Murray, UT—Despite their insistence that they regularly compete in exciting, closely contested games, the AISU soccer and baseball teams are now trying to downplay rumors that these games are entirely fabricated.


One anonymous soccer player is quoted as saying, “How many times do I have to say it? … We really do play soccer games against other teams, and several of them are ridiculously exciting. All the doubters out there should come see for themselves.’”


One of the soccer team’s “fans” (which is believed to only be a sock puppet controlled by a member of the soccer team) added, (in an exaggerated high-pitched voice), “I have been to every soccer game this year, and I can attest that they actually happened. Soccer was played on multiple occasions, and in many cases the games were, in fact, fun to watch.”


At their latest press conference, the baseball team is on record as saying, “We run a very clean and professional team that has been singled out due to our unrealistically exciting games … it’s just not fair. We’re sick and tired of these allegations and we’re going to do everything we can to fight them. They’re absolutely untrue.”


A lack of eye-witnesses is one reason the public is so skeptical that these games have taken place. So far, no one outside the athletic department, other than the sock puppet, has been willing to come forward to corroborate the teams’ claims.


The rumors vary by source, with some kids saying that instead of competing against other teams in actual games, the athletes invent dramatic stories about their accomplishments and spread them around the school in order to impress Mindy Young and the “cool” performing arts kids. Other sources have stated athletes watch old game film from the 1960s and overdramatic sports movies like The Natural, Angels in the Outfield, and Baseball: A Documentary and then act them out as if they were on the moon.


The coaches and athletic directors have not responded to our casual attempts to contact them, and they have not reached out to us, which is practically a confession. One question remains: what do our baseball and soccer teams do when they are supposed to be playing baseball or soccer games? Another question that also remains is which is better: right twix or left twix? Both seem unanswerable for now.