Murray, UT—Upon receiving word that 80 percent of the student body would vote for him if the government trusted them with a vote, Democratic party presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced that he will be returning to Utah, to campaign “in-detail” at the American International School of Utah.
“He was very surprised that students who were thought to have been well-educated would vote for him,” said campaign manager Jeff Weaver. “As soon as he learned of it, he said he had to get over there and make sure they understand what they would be getting themselves into if they actually elected him. Education is a top priority for Bernie.”
AISU’s preference for Sanders has left political analysts baffled. “Maybe they looked at the other choices—Ted Cruz, Hillary Clinton, The Donald—and were uninspired,” one analyst suggested. “I don’t think they realize they have the option of writing in a candidate, like Elmo, Captain America, or Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.” Bernie Sanders has his own theory: “Maybe they mistook me for Colonel Sanders. That happens a lot; especially with the young people.”
When he comes to the school, Sanders says he plans to outline his plan for implementing his socialist views in the school setting. The plan includes a high “tax” on all the credits earned by the students in the school, with the students who earn more credits having to pay a higher tax. Then Bernie will take those taxed credits and give them to the students who didn’t get as many credits that year.
“That way, the students who didn’t get very many credits for whatever reason will have the same advantage in life as the snobby, pig students who ‘worked hard’ for their credits and selfishly refused to share what they claim was ‘hard-earned’ and ‘rightfully theirs,’” an enthusiastic Bernie supporter explained. “Filthy credit hogs. Why can’t they understand fairness?”
Other candidates have also spoken about visiting AISU, but none have definite plans. Hillary Clinton has said that she would gladly speak to the women of AISU, but all white men are bigots, so she refuses to speak with them. However, her campaign says she will consider including the entire student body if Bernie Sanders thinks it’s a good idea.
Donald Trump has said that he is strongly opposed to speaking at an “International” school and that diversity is stupid and will kill America. He has also vowed that the wall he has promised along the nation’s southern border will keep out exchange students, exclaiming, “What on earth are we exchanging them with?”
When Ted Cruz was asked if he would speak at AISU, he said that he would, but only if the entire school was relocated to Texas.
John Kasich (or Kaisch) (or Kaisasich?) couldn’t be reached for comment, because reporters are not sure how to pronounce his name. However, Kasich did release a statement, saying, “I would just like to remind everyone that I am not Donald Trump.” And, “I think my long track record of not being Donald Trump speaks for itself.”
The Independent, Greenie, and Libertarian parties also spoke up on the subject, but nobody was listening.
Experts expect AISU to be a prime campaign spot leading up to the November election. In the meantime, a sizable faction of students are hopeful for a visit from their candidate of choice: the real Colonel Sanders, whose campaign slogan is “Fried Chicken for Everyone!”