AISU – An unsuspecting student was walking through the atrium on Tuesday when he reported feeling a warm gust of wind coming from the direction of a statue. He says he ignored it at first because he was so intently focused on getting to class on time and concentrating on his studies so he can have a successful future, but as he was walking by the statue again about 15 minutes later, he felt the wind much stronger. Completely freaked out, the student immediately ran to tell Mike, who promptly told this student to be quiet and get back to class.


However, Mike was himself a little spooked, so he checked the statue’s vital signs and found that it had a steady pulse and was, in fact, alive. Upon further investigation it was found that the other statue in the atrium, the mannequin in the PAC, and Mr. Donahue are all alive and breathing.


School officials have announced that they will take proper care of all living statues and teachers in the school and will conduct a full investigation to determine whether any other presumed inanimate objects or teachers are actually alive. The school denies any wrongdoing on their part, claiming it was an easy mistake to assume that these statues and teachers were not living beings, and that they hold no responsibility for the misunderstanding whatsoever.


Mr. Donahue disagrees with the school’s statement, and will be filing a lawsuit. In addition, the mannequin and statues have issued a joint statement promising revenge by creeping everybody out. The mannequin in particular has a reputation for creepiness, and experts advise all AISU students to stay out of the PAC on Fridays or after dark. It’s pretty scary.