AISU – AISU’s student body president and member of LSU (Ludicrous Surnames United), Jarrett Butts, has announced that he is endorsing Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, along with Bernie Sanders, Ted Cruz, and John Kasich.


It is a relatively surprising choice by AISU’s resident cripple, who was thought by many to be leaning left lately, in part due to injuries. The move even surprised Butts’s most trusted fellow SBO and campaign manager, Anthony “The Mop” Orn, who for his part has yet to endorse any real candidates, though he had declared his support for Spongebob Squarepants and Pedro.


When asked why he chose to endorse all remaining presidential candidates, which is technically the equivalent of endorsing no one, Butts explained, “I normally place my support behind the candidate with the funniest last name, but this election there wasn’t a clear winner. So this year I just decided to call it a draw and endorse everybody. There’s plenty of support to go around, anyway.”


This is not the first questionable decision made our student body president and self-proclaimed hair model, and most believe it is not likely to be the last. For example, political experts are expecting Butts to announce a presidential bid for 2036. He has reportedly already begun production of campaign t-shirts, hats, and pins with the slogans, “Butts: Funny name, serious leadership.” and “Bottoms up!” His logo is expected to be a large letter B that looks like a—well, you know. The apparel will be available to purchase in 2035 on