Murray, UT—American International School of Utah hall monitor, authoritative tall guy, and athletic director Mike Stumph has been the subject of multiple allegations that he has a tattoo of a rival school on his back. The alleged tattoo reportedly depicts the mascot of the unnamed rival school holding what looks like the head of the AISU Dragon mascot.


If the existence of this tattoo is confirmed, Stumph’s credibility as athletic director and his already-shaky ability to convince students to get to class on time could be irreparably damaged. School officials say they haven’t thus far seen any lack of loyalty to the school or the athletic department from Mike since these allegations surfaced, and his faith that students will get to class eventually if he just tells them to enough times has never diminished. Nevertheless, students say they are beginning to doubt Mike’s “street cred.” “I can’t help but wonder,” one student said. “Whenever I’m milling about in the halls and Mike tells me to get to class, I think to myself, ‘Why should I listen to someone who has another school’s mascot tattooed on his back?’”


For his part, Mike denies the allegations but is not willing to prove them wrong, which would include him removing his shirt on live television and dipping his phone in pancake batter. To some students, Mike’s refusal to cooperate basically amounts to an admission of guilt. “What is he hiding?” asked one student. “If you’re innocent, you just take off your shirt. Until he does that, we have no choice but to believe the worst: that our beloved hall monitor and tall person never really loved us. I personally plan to be late to every one of my classes until he can prove otherwise.”