Murray, UT—An AISU student was sent to the hospital last week after eating the mozzarella sticks served in the school’s cafeteria. The student, whose identity could not be released because investigation is still ongoing, was said to have ordered the mozzarella sticks in an attempt to “try something new.” Students and staff members who witnessed the tragedy say they tried to stop him, but to no avail.


Officials say the student fell to the ground immediately after taking a bite of the so-called food. He was initially declared dead by paramedics at the scene, several of whom, upon seeing the half-eaten mozzarella stick, refused to treat the student, fearing for their own safety. Those who remained donned hazmat equipment placed the school in lockdown until the hazardous material could be properly disposed of. Upon further investigation, it was determined that the student was not, in fact, dead but was suffering from temporary insanity. “What we still don’t know,” said one of the paramedics, “is whether eating the mozzarella stick caused the insanity or whether the insanity caused him to eat the mozzarella stick.”


The school released an official statement clarifying its policy that it is not responsible for any damage caused to students while eating school lunches. “Our students understand the risks they take when they allow anything that was produced in the school cafeteria to come in contact with the human tongue.”


When asked why they think the hospitalized student would eat a mozzarella stick, no one had an answer. “He seemed so happy,” said one student, a friend of the victim. “He had so much to live for. I can’t think of any reason he would want to [eat those things].”


The hospitalized student is slowly regaining the ability to speak, and his first word after the incident was reported to sound very close to “nasty.” For now he is communicating mostly by twitching the muscles in his left cheek, but no one is quite sure what he is trying to say, although close friends say he wants to help others learn from his mistakes and warn them the dangers of actually eating school lunches. Jamie Oliver reportedly wants to use his story to promote the TV “Food Revolution” of ‘10-11.