Murray, UT – Rumors concerning changes to be made for the American International School of Utah’s 3rd year have circulated through the school, reportedly leaving emotional damage in their wake. Experts are comparing these “earth-shattering,” “ground-breaking” changes to recent earthquakes in Japan and Ecuador, except that these changes are expected to be more dramatic and perhaps require more cleanup afterwards.
AISU has announced a “launch party” tonight at 7:00 pm to clarify some plans and address the public’s greatest fears. Unofficially referred to as the “abolition of hope party” or the “party of doom,” the meeting is expected to introduce changes such as an alternating block schedule (also known as A-day/B-day schedule), 80-minute classes, a longer school day with an earlier start time, two high school lunches, removal of resources from the Mike cloning machine, removal of all chairs, a dress code based on Lady Gaga’s wardrobe, and many other terrible things.
A recent study found that 100% of students, parents, and teachers polled at AISU, along with the surrounding high schools and colleges, are “highly afraid” of the consequences of the changes. The AISU school board is not overly concerned about these findings, explaining that one reason they are making these changes is to “shake things up a bit.”
“The same old program and schedule can get very old for those of us who have the authority to change things,” one school board member said. “So we sometimes like to make changes just so that we don’t get too bored. And we try to make them as destructive as possible and see if we can raise North Korea’s eyebrows, just for fun.”
Emergency response personnel initially advised students to seek refuge in the nearest safe high school, until it was discovered that none of them has an amazing performing arts program. Students are now being told that they have permission to freak out and throw things. Many students have said that they will be holding their arms over their heads for the remainder of the school year in case the school decides to demolish the roof, which wouldn’t surprise them, because as one student cried, “They’ve already demolished our high school lives.”