Jacksonville, FL – As many NFL fans know, the Super Bowl 50 Champion Denver Broncos are looking to fill the large void left by retiring QB legend and G.O.A.T. Peyton Manning and spoiled brat and giant man Brock Whatshisface. What many fans do not know is that the Jacksonville Jaguars have been looking to fill voids in all positions—on offense and defense—for many years now, to absolutely no avail.
Fortunately for the Jaguars, help has arrived, and in a very tall way. Just days before the NFL draft, Mike Stumph, the American International School of Utah’s hall monitor and athletic director, who is at least 6’5”, has reportedly offered to play “all positions” for Jacksonville, effective immediately.
According to Mike’s agent, Ekim Hpmuts, Mike is “overly qualified” to play every position on the Jaguars’ roster, due to the fact that he has never lost an NFL game, he is moderately tall, he has a coffee maker in his office, he has successfully sent at least 6 students back to class in the past year, and he hasn’t had a serious injury in 8 years.
Sources say the Jaguars are leaning toward using each of their picks in the upcoming draft to select Stumph, saying that he is “currently our best option,” especially since he is, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, “the only person in the history of football to ever want to play for the Jaguars.”
Mike Stumph has also reached out to the Raiders, but they were reportedly too busy celebrating last season’s 7-9 record and didn’t hear the phone ring. NFL analysts predict that if Stumph were to join either team, the fan base would increase significantly—by a solid “1 million percent” because “it doesn’t matter how much you multiply zero by, it always equals, like, a million or something.”
The only foreseeable downside to this arrangement for the Jaguars is that if Stumph ever suffers an injury, Jacksonville will lose all of its starters at once. However, Mike has made known to Jacksonville’s front office via Twitter that he has “almost superhuman” stamina, agility, and strength. He also cites his “unearthly” team spirit, even on a team like the Jaguars.
Attempts to contact Jaguar fans for reaction were unsuccessful, though some fans of Jaguar brand automobiles were available for comment. Mostly they seemed confused by the question and surprised that Jacksonville was still fielding a football team. Stumph, for his part, plans to change the perception surrounding his new team. “I intend to help the Jaguars make a name for themselves in the NFL,” he said in a prepared statement. “And that name, of course, will be Mike Stumph.”