AISU – The American International School of Utah has baffled students, parents, and mental institutions with its recently announced “3.0” changes to be implemented for the school’s third year. These include, to name a few, an inefficient-by-nature A/B schedule (especially disruptive for students with “flex schedules”), 80-minute classes (about 80 times longer than the average teenager’s attention span), an earlier start and later end to the school day (inconsiderate of commuter students), integrated classes that will force students who are ahead in certain subjects to do completed work again, crew in the middle of the day, two high school lunches to minimize socializing, among other terrible things.

Students hardly had time to recover emotionally from the 3.0 announcement, however, before potential plans for changes in AISU’s fourth year were leaked through fuzzy images on the Internet. Details are sketchy, but they reportedly include an A/B/C/D/E schedule (or “alphabet schedule”) to fit more classes per trimester. Also, in response to complaints from commuter students, the school day is to be extended even further—beginning at 7:00 a.m. and ending at 6:30 p.m., thus avoiding both the morning and evening rush hours. Saturdays would be added to the school week as a mandatory “bonus learning” day. The two high school lunches are to be eliminated, and instead students will only have lunch on one day each week, depending on their crew, which will meet for 2 minutes and 34 seconds per day.

The leaked 4.0 information also included clues that led investigators to confidential drafts of AISU “5.0,” which they say they found hidden under a pile of granola bars on Mr. Justis’s desk. For 5.0, the “alphabet schedule” will include all letters of the alphabet, giving students 26 days between classes. Weekends, holidays, and breaks will be eliminated, because “what did the students do to earn a ‘break’?” There will not be a lunch and food will not be permitted; instead, all students will participate in a “school-wide fast” for education. The “crew leader” position will be terminated, and all crews will be led by Bill Glad via Skype for 30 seconds every half hour.

As surprising as these changes may be, they apparently are only the beginning. Investigators found that when the plans for 5.0 were translated into Latin, read backwards, then translated back into English, they revealed a rough draft for plans for AISU 6.0, which reportedly will include a schedule based not on the English alphabet but on a variety of factors, including the outdoor temperature, the air quality, a “wheel of academic fortune” spun by local celebrities, the amount of rainfall in the Amazon rainforest, the crime rate in Los Angeles, the “rollback” sales at Wal-Mart, and what Mr. Farley had for breakfast the day before. Under this schedule, students will never have the same class twice and will be “kept on their toes” regarding their education.

The school day for 6.0 will last for 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 1/4 days a year, and each class will last 48 hours. If students wish to eat, they are required to watch a video of someone taking a bowl of rice away from a starving child in Africa while doing so. Crews will be disintegrated, and students will meet individually with Bill Glad at random times every day for a presentation about stress, sleep deprivation, fear, and other conditions caused by the school.

Students have responded by comparing the successive changes to the worsening of recent iPhone models. School officials would not confirm the veracity of the leaked information; however, they called the iPhone comparison “very insulting, but fair.”