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Still crying—AISU aka The Pertussis School's Only Reliable News Source

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September 2016

AISU to Host Cleveland Browns in Homecoming Football Game

AISU—The American International School of Utah (AISU) will be holding its first annual homecoming dance today, as part of the school’s ongoing effort to “be sort of like all the other high schools, but not in the good ways.” Despite this effort, plans for the school’s homecoming festivities did not originally include one of America’s most popular high school traditions:  a homecoming football game. Hours before the dance, however, AISU announced that they will be hosting a game after all, against the NFL’s Cleveland Browns.

 

The announcement came as a surprise to many AISU students, mainly because AISU does not have a football team or a football field. School officials explained that  the team will consist of the same 10–15 students who make up the school’s men’s basketball, baseball, and volleyball teams every year, as well as staff and administration members who are interested in “boosting school spirit.”

 

The Browns have yet to announce a starting quarterback for today’s game, but analysts expect either Francis the Talking Mule or Elmo’s goldfish, Dorothy, to get the nod. AISU’s starting QB will be a game-time decision, likely depending on  who shows up. Although AISU is hoping for high levels of participation from students in the game, they have listed Uncle Rico as a backup QB, just in case students find playing against the Browns to be incredibly boring.

 

With the announcement, AISU officials hope to defuse widespread criticism of its homecoming plans, which was being mocked by students and mockingbirds alike because of the glaring omission of a football game. Snapchatters and Instagrammars have been quoted as saying, “Hi, I’m AISU, and I’m trying to have homecoming without a football game because I enjoy demolishing American traditions, huuhhhh!” before the announcement today.

 

However, even after the game was announced, critics and students have maintained their “rude ‘tude,” noting that while the Cleveland Browns technically do play football, they don’t play it particularly well. “I mean, I get that you’re supposed to schedule an easy win for the homecoming game,” one student observed. “But really? The Browns? While we’re at it, why don’t we replace all of our advanced literature classes with dramatic readings of The Cat in the Hat? … Hmmm. Now that I say that out loud, I kind of like the idea.”

 

The Browns have yet to comment on these remarks, but experts have said that “they’re used to it.” AISU has only responded in the form of stock photos of doctors shrugging, although the Language Arts department is reportedly looking into the Cat in the Hat suggestion. The AISU Homecoming game will begin at 4:00 p.m. MDT. The location is still to be determined, though Mr. Justis has offered the use of his backyard, as long as he has time to remove the lawn gnomes first. For live updates and a play-by-play of the game, follow @aisugravy on Twitter or scroll to the bottom of this page and look to the right side.

September Magazine Cover Concept

extraextra-read-allll-about-it

 

Unblocked Websites Discovered, Study Commissioned to Find Out Why

An intense investigation by Elijah Anderson

 

As nearly every AISU student has discovered, there are some pretty good game and entertainment websites that are not blocked on the school Wi-Fi, which is surprising because almost everything else is blocked, including school work. The PSA (Pointless Studies of America) recently conducted as study to get to the bottom of this.

 

The study included interviews with a random sample of two  teachers, both of whom claim that they actually have lives outside of school and like to do things. Two unnamed teachers admitted that they enjoy, for example, playing video games online and spending time on meme sites (the identity of these sites has not been released, in order to protect them from being  blocked). The PSA study concludes that if two teachers admit to using and enjoying such sites, all teachers do, because all teachers are the same.

 

Since the study was released, speculation has run rampant (and eventually hardened into accepted fact) that these game and entertainment sites are not blocked because the principal and the superintendent use them as well. So far, Mark Smith and Mike Farley will not confirm nor deny any allegations, which just confirms it, because if it weren’t true, why wouldn’t you just deny it?

 

From there, it wasn’t a huge leap to start drawing conclusions about the real reasons behind the AISU 3.0 changes. Obviously, school officials had spent so much time gaming online that the night before the changes were to be announced, they realized they hadn’t planned anything yet. So they hurriedly threw together some ideas they found inside the fortune cookies that came with the Chinese takeout they had ordered to fuel their all-night gaming binge. Then they Googled “Curriculum Companies,” called the first one they saw, and asked if we could use their curriculum. When confronted with these allegations, school officials would not confirm nor deny these allegations, which proves that they are true, because seriously people, that’s not a hard thing to deny.

 

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

AISU Bathrooms Overrun by Venomous Snakes That May or May Not Be Real

By Anonymous Guest Writer #741

 

AISU—Animal Control was called late Monday evening to stem a so-called “frightening snake infection” at AISU. However, after a thorough search, the Animal Control officers concluded that no reptiles (including students) were present anywhere in the school, thanking the caller for this “enormous waste of time.”

Despite these findings, many students continue to insist that the school is literally crawling with reptiles, especially in the bathroom, a known favorite hangout of snakes. One student described the intruders as “about three to four feet long, with bright-colored stripes, usually red and yellow, and long fangs.” Another student, interviewed when leaving the boys’ restroom, said “I’ve never seen any snakes. But that would explain why there’s always so much screaming in there. The screams… They tear apart my very soul… The screams… Make them stop.”

“There are definitely snakes in there,” a student reported after leaving the girls’ restroom. When informed of this assertion, a representative from Animal Control said, “No there aren’t,” to which the student replied, “Yes, there are.” Animal Control then released this official statement: “Nu-uh.” The student responded with an official statement of her own: “Yeah-huh.”

While there is no photographic or video evidence of any snakes, there are also no surveillance cameras in the bathrooms, so other than the productive debate between Animal Control and AISU students, the investigation has reached a standstill.

Aspiring herpetologists and amateur snake enthusiasts in the high school have begun search parties to find and rescue these elusive reptiles and release them into the untamed wilderness of Murray City. While these groups have been criticized by peers and janitorial staff with such harsh insults as “They’re just wasting their time; there are no snakes”—an impressive retort in that it uses correctly in one sentence each spelling of “they’re/their/there”—most students agree that their noble efforts to rid the school of these pests are no joking matter.

A spokesperson from one of the search parties, known as Snake Search, gave the Gravy the following letter written in red ink that may actually be blood:

“An update on the snake situation:

“There are definitely snakes. There is no doubt about it. You may not be able to see them or hear them, but they are there. Some of you may be wondering, why the bathrooms? Why not my STEM classroom? But that is unimportant.

“The snakes are probably breeding in any and all restrooms marked ‘out of order.’ If you are attacked by a snake, stay still and silent and observe its behaviors. Report the snake sighting to a member of the Snake Search immediately. If you are bitten, you may as well stop making any long-term goals for your future or showering, for all is lost.”

When the letter was brought to the school’s principal for comment, he shook his head, and after a long pause, said, “This isn’t seriously still going on, is it? I mean, April Fools’ Day was ages ago.” Mr. Smith then laughed nervously and returned to his office.

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

Symphonic Chorale Seating Chart “a Gaping Hole in AISU’s Nondiscrimination Reputation,” Critics Claim

AISU—On Thursday, September 15, the American International School of Utah’s Symphonic Chorale sent out an email to members containing the first rotating seating chart of the 2016-17 school year. This seating chart has since been leaked to the public and “torn apart” by critics, who say the seating chart is “extremely discriminatory” and “undeniably segregatory.” Perhaps most shocking is the critics’ assertion that the seating chart reveals a “gaping hole in AISU’s Nondiscrimination Reputation,” primarily because most students were unaware the school had such a reputation.

Critics of the seating chart are calling it “the most segregatory spreadsheet since the United States were separated in the Civil War through an Excel document” citing how the seating chart separates students by gender, what part they sing, first letter in their first name, and household income. “This is despicable,” one critic said. “It is by far the most discriminatory image to be on a screen since D.W. Griffith’s The Birth of a Nation in 1915 or Woody Harrelson’s White Men Can’t Jump in 1992.”

“I feel like I’m literally being told where to sit based on things I have no control over, like my age, gender, or vocal range,” said an anonymous student. “I feel like I have no choice in the matter and I really can’t handle that. I have to get exactly what I want whenever I want it, all the time. It’s just not fair when I don’t.”

To further the discrimination, the spreadsheet displays some students’ names in bold and some in italics, indicating those students are “more musically gifted” and therefore placed in advanced classes. “I feel extremely discriminated against when I see the names of these other students getting special treatment when all they do is work harder than I do,” another anonymous student said. “And I can’t figure out any logical reason to bold Chamber Choir members in a Symphonic Chorale spreadsheet, not to mention why some of them are bolded and some are italicized, and I refuse to ask anyone who might know the answer.”

“I have to get exactly what I want whenever I want it, all the time. It’s just not fair when I don’t.”

Symphonic Chorale representatives defend the seating chart, explaining that arranging choir members by gender and voice is a common practice, but once the word “discrimination” has been used and comparisons have been made to a D.W. Griffith movie, there’s really nothing anyone can do. Offended students are now threatening to boycott Chorale performances and kneel whenever they hear the Chorale sing. School officials have not responded to invitations to comment, and we are beginning to think they have blocked emails from us after we decided to send them free grammar and spelling tips after each of their mass emails. The school has, however begun to use the term “Nondiscrimination Reputation” in marketing and public relations campaigns, mainly because it’s “fun to say.”

Exclusive: Clearing Things Up

By Guest Writer Gary Johnson

 

Students and staff members of AISU: I am Governor Gary Johnson and your future president. Last week, the media tricked me into saying that I like to smoke pot and that your school’s curriculum is the reason America is broken. It has been brought to my attention that these comments might result in people at your school not voting for me. After considering the options available to me, such as ignoring this problem or blaming it on the weather or media bias, I have decided to expand a little on what I said.

 

Your school has a great performing arts program. I think every school in America should model their performing arts programs after yours. I think your school is also located in a very nice building. If every high school had a building like yours, that would be super awesome. I think that chocolate chip cookies are nice, especially when the chocolate chips are fresh out of the oven and ooey-gooey. If every chocolate chip cookie had ooey-gooey chocolate chips, there would be no wars. I think that the “this side down” graphic on microwavable popcorn bags is very helpful, and it should be a model for other microwavable things. That would make the world less confusing.

 

I think the drive-thru line at Chick-fil-a should be standard for other drive-thru lines. For that matter, I think everything at Chick-fil-a should be standard for other restaurants. If every restaurant was like Chick-fil-a (except they still served beef), there would be no crime. I think that it’s good that grass is green. When the grass isn’t green that’s not so good. Something’s wrong when the grass isn’t green. I think that Syrian cities should have names that are easier to remember. If Syrian cities’ names were easier to remember, that would be less embarrassing for everyone. I think $1.49 for 10pc chicken nuggets at Burger King is a great deal. If every restaurant in America had less expensive chicken nuggets like Burger King, we would have perfect equality nationwide. I think a $5 large pizza at Little Caesar’s is amazing. I think that if all pizza places followed Little Caesar’s example and had reasonably priced pizzas, a lot of people would eat more pizzas, which would be very beneficial to all of us. I think that Peyton Manning commercials are great just because Peyton Manning is in them. If Peyton Manning were in all commercials, there would be no hate.

 

And finally, I think food is really great. Also, I’d like each of you who are voting age to keep in mind that if everyone who’s worried about “wasting” their vote by voting for me would vote for me, I’d win. And remember the alternatives to voting for me. Ew. I’ll be on all 50 state ballots, people! #FeelTheJohnson

Nationwide Jingle – School Pride

AISU’s cool, I guess.

 

Bonus Jingle:

Isn’t pride a “deadly sin”?

AISU Haiku No. 2

The American

International School of

Utah. Darn, so close.

AISU Spirit Bowl Info & Details

AISU – To tie up the first Spirit Week of the 2016-17 school year, the American International School of Utah will hold a “Spirit Bowl” during 4th block where the school’s four “Squads” or “Houses” (also new with the 2016-17 school year – 3.0), will compete in a number of different events,  still to be announced.

 

Although the competitive events are yet to be announced, the school administration has told each of the Houses (Which they called SlitherJen, Stumphelpuff, Pippandor, and Johnstonclaw) to locate their best seeker before 4th block and send him/her to the cafeteria for a broomstick, wand, and owl.

 

The school administration has also said that they will be changing Mike Stumph’s position name from “Hall Monitor” to “Dementor” for this event, and possibly for the foreseeable future “if it works”. The school would also like students to stop calling the Spirit Bowl the “Stop-Try-ing-Wizard Tournament,” saying the two are “completely different events.”

 

The school continued their statement by announcing Ted Bundy as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. They closed by saying they hope to see all the students at the Spirit Bowl, and by asking them to “please, please, please don’t just leave campus.”

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