Have you ever wanted to be told what to do all the time by superficial figures made out of dead balls of gas millions of light years away, and Mike Stumph just doesn’t cut it?  Well now’s your chance! AISU’s only reliable news source now has a horoscope section, starting with a late-evening Halloween special—your Horror-Scope:

Aries March 21 – April 19 Bring a weapon with you trick or treating tonight, because you’re going to need it. Clowns cannot be tolerated, no exceptions. They will stab you to death. Don’t give them that chance.
Taurus April 20 – May 20 Although the threat of getting stabbed may be scary, don’t skip out on trick-or-treating tonight. If you do encounter creepy clowns with seemingly violent intentions, just let them know you care about them and that you understand their circumstances. After that, they’ll either leave you alone, give you a warm embrace, or stab you in the throat. On second thought, just go trick-or-treating with an Aries.
Gemini May 21 – June 20 Although being an individual can be enticing at times, as you know, it is ultimately impractical and will only lead to disappointment and crushed dreams down the road. Do yourself a favor and don’t be jealous of people who make their own choices or are successful. Deep down inside, they envy you.
Cancer June 21 – July 22 You should seriously consider legally changing your birthday.
Leo July 23 – August 22 If you need a last-minute Halloween costume tip, be life and hand out lemons to trick-or-treaters. Kids love that stuff.
Virgo August 23 – September 22 The clowns are out to get you. Hide. Don’t go outside until 2017. They will get you.
Libra September 23 – October 22 Halloween has just lost its appeal over the years. Today, you plan to sit inside and do nothing. But don’t forget the joys of Halloweens past. This Halloween, sit inside and get sick from eating the Halloween candy you were planning on handing out to little kids. Enjoy yourself.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Don’t dress up as a clown.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Although your wisdom may be great beyond your years, nobody cares. Especially when it comes to the origins of Halloween. Don’t spoil our fun, alright?
Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Don’t worry about if people will make fun of your costume today, that you worked so hard on and are especially passionate about. They totally will. Relentlessly.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18 While driving your van around and offering children candy so that they don’t have to walk as far may be a good sentiment, it could be misinterpreted. Best drop that idea.
Pisces February 19 – March 20 Just because Scorpio wants you to dress up like a clown with him/her doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Don’t be fooled; stick to your original plan of dressing as a bearded lady and getting mad whenever anyone “assumes your gender.” It’s much better.
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