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The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU aka The Pertussis School's Only Reliable News Source

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April 2017

In Time of Mourning, Mike Farley Makes Surprisingly Uplifting Public Statement Concerning AISU’s Budget

AISU—Last night, at the American International School of Utah, Superduperintendent Mike Farley made a surprisingly (but much-needed) uplifting public statement concerning AISU’s budget and spending.

Attendees of the event said that they had been expecting a statement to be released about the school’s budget, due to rumors spreading about a financial shortfall. However, attendees reported that this meeting was much more positive than they had expected.

A surprisingly upbeat Farley announced that he recently received an email from Wumi Abdula, a girl in Abidjan whose father, a wealthy cocoa merchant, had just passed away.

While attendees struggled to understand what in the world this had to do with the school’s budgetary problems, Farley continued and explained that Wumi Abdula received her father’s inheritance—a whopping $12.5 million—however, she needed overseas assistance hiding the money from her father’s nefarious business partners, who are the main suspects in his death.

“Then comes the exciting part,” said wide-eyed Mike Farley. “All we have to do is send $200,000 right away—don’t worry; I’ve already sent it via PayPal—and Wum (I call her Wum) will make us her overseas business partners. As compensation for our efforts, Wum will give us fifteen percent of the original $12.5 capital M’s! Yeah, baby!”

“I had our Math Department crunch the numbers, and they assure me that fifteen percent of $12.5M is way more than $200,000—a whole heckin’ lot of money,” Farley concluded, squealing with excitement, “Like, at least enough for a couple more school buses!”

Beatles’ “Yesterday” Also Written About Ms. Erica

STILL CRYING, CAN’T WRITE CONTENT; HERE IS LYRICS:

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly I’m not half the man I used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

beatles_indianapolis

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [she did say, actually]
I did something wrong [actually she says I didn’t do anything wrong, but she was offered a job that she isn’t super overqualified for, as well as full ride to ASU, but still], now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [except she did say]
I did something wrong [actually she said we did great, but she got a great opportunity and it’s good for her, it’s just sad], now I long for yesterday.

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Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

Bill Withers Reveals “Ain’t No Sunshine” Was Written About Erica Glenn

DUE TO CRYING, THE DAILY GRAVY EDITORS ARE NOT ABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS ARTICLE. THE REST OF THIS POST WILL CONSIST SOLELY OF BILL WITHERS’ “AIN’T NO SUNSHINE” LYRICS:

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
It’s not warm when she’s away.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And she’s always gone too long
Anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she’s gone
Wonder if she’s gone to stay
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know,
Hey, I oughtta leave young thing alone
But ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

0

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
Only darkness every day.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.

Exclusive Look at Everyone at AISU Right Now

Images of everyone associated with AISU have just been released:

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Also released were photos of people at AISU who have not heard the news yet:

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Those poor, naïve souls. They’re so peaceful; so oblivious. To them, everything is still normal. Oh, how blissful it must be to live in that carefree mirage. They have no idea that everything is about to collapse right in front of their eyes. As soon as they wake up, their lives will change. But for now, enjoy the peace of not knowing. Savor it. For now, it is paradise.

Either that, or it’s the seniors who aren’t going to be here next year and don’t have to worry about it. Those suckers are the real lucky ones. To them, we say: apply to ASU (it’s only one letter short of AISU, after all. And it’s stealing from us the one thing we love). *CRIES AGAIN*

BREAKING: AISU OFFICIALLY HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

THE EDITORS FOR THE GRAVY ARE UNABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS POST DUE TO CRYING

AISU’s Whooping Cough Epidemic AKA “The Plague”

AISU—The American International School of Utah (AISU) has recently been plagued by a strong case of the whooping cough. Doctors describe whooping cough as a rare cough that is potentially more harmful than a regular cough because it causes victims to make a high-pitched “whoop!” sound that doctors find very annoying. Victims are often denied treatment as a result. “I can’t stand it,” one doctor admitted. “It’s worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. So when someone comes to my office and starts whooping, I just make them leave. Sometimes, on their way out, I prescribe an addictive pain killer they don’t need, just to get even.”

Nobody wants that, so school officials have warned students who are not vaccinated against whooping cough to stay home. This decision has fanned the flames of the already-raging debate between parents who believe vaccinations are good because they eradicate deadly diseases and parents who believe vaccinations are part of an elaborate government conspiracy to give everyone autism. It now appears that the vaccinations are also part of a conspiracy to force children to go to school even though people around them will be coughing and making irritating whooping sounds.

AISU’s epidemic has caught the attention of the ever-attentive social media, including a surprising number of gofundme pages for the school, hundreds of Facebook profile pictures that have been changed to little boxes that say “whoops, AISU’s got a cough :-(“, and even a pity-following for the AISU memes page.

However, the most noticeable attention AISU has gotten for being sick has come from Whoopi Goldberg, the inventor of whooping cough. Whoopi tagged AISU in a recent tweet, saying, “When you cough on someone in school, you hope they’ll get sick and cough on someone else. And it’ll become like a wildfire.” Whoopi then added a more personal message: “Congrats to AISU students who didn’t get vaccinations and get to stay home from school! No vaccinations = more vacations!”

Student Goes Entire Day With Tag Sticking Out of Shirt

AISU – On Tuesday, April 5, an unnamed AISU student was seen in the cafeteria during lunch with his tag sticking out of his shirt. The incident was confirmed by many eye-witnesses, some of whom reported seeing the out-of-place tag at other times throughout the day, leading authorities us to assume that the victim didn’t notice what was happening until it was too late.

 

Sources close to the victim explain that while several people saw his tag was sticking out, nobody had the heart to tell him about the mishap. “He looked so clueless about the whole thing,” an anonymous witness said, choking back tears. “Nobody wanted to ruin his day by telling him about it, and it was pretty hilarious, too.”

 

Word of the spectacle spread quickly through the school, until it seemed everyone knew about the wardrobe malfunction except the victim himself. “I didn’t even know [the victim] existed until today,” one classmate said. “But now it’d be hard not to know.”

 

The victim is believed to have noticed the tag once he arrived at home, and spent the remainder of the evening wondering how long it had been that way. He was next seen at school with a paper bag over his head and duct tape keeping his tag down. Since the incident, he has never been seen within 15 feet of another human being. He is now rumored to be removing all tags from his shirts, undergoing extensive plastic surgery, and moving to Uruguay. Such behavior is quite normal, experts say. “Can you blame him?” said one psychologist, who asked to remain anonymous and was hard to understand perfectly because he too had a paper bag over his head. “I mean, his life has been torn into pieces before his eyes. And what did his friends do about it? Nothing, except laugh at him behind his back. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch a plane to Uruguay.”

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