Salt Lake City, Utah—Earlier this week, many Utahns (and residents of surrounding states without a professional basketball team) had a somber undertone to their 4th of July festivities when Utah Jazz basketball star and League of Legends player Gordon Hayward announced that he was leaving Utah to join the Boston Celtics.
The news came as a shock to many fans. In Utah, many speculated, Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices). In Boston, on the other hand, he would have an arena overstuffed with championship banners, a higher probability of running into Tom Brady, and a borderline racist team logo.
And yet, he still chose Boston. This in spite of the fact that Jazz fans have created hashtags featuring wordplays on Hayward’s name, paid for billboards with Hayward’s picture on them, and posted YouTube videos of themselves begging him to stay, which isn’t creepy or pathetic at all.
In Utah … Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices).
Some have speculated that Hayward is leaving for Boston because his old college coach, Brad Stevens, now coaches the Celtics, giving Boston a sentimental advantage. However, it remains a fact that Hayward is an acknowledged professional athlete, who does not have actual feelings and who cares only about money, social media, and winning, in that order. So there must be some other explanation.
As analysts and fans continue to puzzle over Hayward’s baffling decision, the Daily Gravy has recently received exclusive insider info that Hayward’s departure had nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with the AISU school board.
In case you didn’t know, the board of directors of the American International School of Utah (AISU) have recently been accused of abusing their power (possibly unintentionally), not following their own standards and bylaws (probably intentionally), and refusing to brush their teeth (definitely intentionally). Some examples of their abuses of power include removing Michael Farley as manager of its parent organization, AIS, and attempting to use expired Burger King coupons as admission to Beyoncé concerts. A couple of outspoken sports analysts have surmised that the controversy surrounding the school board (or possibly Ms. Erica’s departure) was likely a major factor in Hayward’s decision to leave.
However, an inside source has informed the Daily Gravy of the real reason: The AISU school board fired him.
Hayward’s departure had nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with the AISU school board.
The informant, who asked to be called “anything except my real name, I don’t care, just don’t tell them it’s me, Gordon Hayward,” explained that he could not reveal the grounds for the firing for fear of losing severance pay, but possible reasons include the fact that Hayward was an important, foundational, well-loved member of the community. As AISU student and parents know, the school board has recently become notorious for firing such people (without authorization to do so). In fact, some students and parents had said that they expected this to happen after seeing it happen with Mike Farley, saying the firing of Gordon Hayward was a predictable next step. Other AISU students asked, “Who’s Gordon Hayward? Is he in the Chamber Choir? What part does he sing?”
Experts are now trying to predict what the school board will do next, with many agreeing that they will likely fire Justin Trudeau, Taylor Swift, and/or Pope Francis. In response, students and parents have written a petition demanding a reorganization of the board, in order to protect Pope Francis and other influential world leaders from meeting the same unwarranted and unlawful demise as Hayward and Farley.
The school board has refused to comment on this issue, or any issue, for that matter. Gordon Hayward did say that he’ll be in touch with AISU’s choir directors, previous and current, for information about the city of Boston, as both directors have ties there. He also still plans to audition for the AISU choral program, just as he does every year, and hopes that he’ll be accepted at least once before the school shuts down. He also said (anonymously) that AISU’s lawyers have banned him from any contact with the school, which is why he isn’t following you on instagram. He apologizes for that and hopes the ban is lifted so he can. AISU staff members are also banned from contacting him, even through social media, with the threat of termination. For now, though, AISU students, parents, and staff members (although don’t tell anyone they say this, because they could get fired) encourage you to boo the AISU board of directors at the Jazz v. Boston game this season (and sign the petition and attend the town hall meeting, if you’re serious about it).
I post stuff on AISU's satirical newspaper. That's it. I was taught from birth to write, edit, and post satirical newspaper articles for AISU, and that's all I do. I live, breathe, sleep, eat, and drink Gravy. That's Gravy as in AISU's very best satirical newspaper, not gravy as in the delicious sauce/beverage that goes with anything. I suppose that would be accurate too, though. That stuff's pretty darn good.
I like writing, editing, posting, being unbiased, moderately good guest writers, and gravy. I dislike the lack of internet, sleep, anything that keeps me from writing/editing/posting, guest writers who try to show me up, right-wing extremists, left-wing extremists, all popular media outlets that aren't the Gravy, food that makes messes on keyboards, and nagging legal guardians.
If I could be any superhero, I would be Superman, because his alter-ego, Clark Kent, writes newspaper articles for a living. If I were him, I would never change into Superman. In fact, I would never leave my office at the Daily Planet. I would never eat or sleep, either, because Superman doesn't need to eat or sleep. And I would be able to type, edit, and post stuff really fast because Superman can do things really fast. So yeah that would be great.
aisugravy.wordpress.com
The Real Reason Gordon Hayward Left The Utah Jazz
Salt Lake City, Utah—Earlier this week, many Utahns (and residents of surrounding states without a professional basketball team) had a somber undertone to their 4th of July festivities when Utah Jazz basketball star and League of Legends player Gordon Hayward announced that he was leaving Utah to join the Boston Celtics.
The news came as a shock to many fans. In Utah, many speculated, Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices). In Boston, on the other hand, he would have an arena overstuffed with championship banners, a higher probability of running into Tom Brady, and a borderline racist team logo.
And yet, he still chose Boston. This in spite of the fact that Jazz fans have created hashtags featuring wordplays on Hayward’s name, paid for billboards with Hayward’s picture on them, and posted YouTube videos of themselves begging him to stay, which isn’t creepy or pathetic at all.
Some have speculated that Hayward is leaving for Boston because his old college coach, Brad Stevens, now coaches the Celtics, giving Boston a sentimental advantage. However, it remains a fact that Hayward is an acknowledged professional athlete, who does not have actual feelings and who cares only about money, social media, and winning, in that order. So there must be some other explanation.
As analysts and fans continue to puzzle over Hayward’s baffling decision, the Daily Gravy has recently received exclusive insider info that Hayward’s departure had nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with the AISU school board.
In case you didn’t know, the board of directors of the American International School of Utah (AISU) have recently been accused of abusing their power (possibly unintentionally), not following their own standards and bylaws (probably intentionally), and refusing to brush their teeth (definitely intentionally). Some examples of their abuses of power include removing Michael Farley as manager of its parent organization, AIS, and attempting to use expired Burger King coupons as admission to Beyoncé concerts. A couple of outspoken sports analysts have surmised that the controversy surrounding the school board (or possibly Ms. Erica’s departure) was likely a major factor in Hayward’s decision to leave.
However, an inside source has informed the Daily Gravy of the real reason: The AISU school board fired him.
The informant, who asked to be called “anything except my real name, I don’t care, just don’t tell them it’s me, Gordon Hayward,” explained that he could not reveal the grounds for the firing for fear of losing severance pay, but possible reasons include the fact that Hayward was an important, foundational, well-loved member of the community. As AISU student and parents know, the school board has recently become notorious for firing such people (without authorization to do so). In fact, some students and parents had said that they expected this to happen after seeing it happen with Mike Farley, saying the firing of Gordon Hayward was a predictable next step. Other AISU students asked, “Who’s Gordon Hayward? Is he in the Chamber Choir? What part does he sing?”
Experts are now trying to predict what the school board will do next, with many agreeing that they will likely fire Justin Trudeau, Taylor Swift, and/or Pope Francis. In response, students and parents have written a petition demanding a reorganization of the board, in order to protect Pope Francis and other influential world leaders from meeting the same unwarranted and unlawful demise as Hayward and Farley.
The school board has refused to comment on this issue, or any issue, for that matter. Gordon Hayward did say that he’ll be in touch with AISU’s choir directors, previous and current, for information about the city of Boston, as both directors have ties there. He also still plans to audition for the AISU choral program, just as he does every year, and hopes that he’ll be accepted at least once before the school shuts down. He also said (anonymously) that AISU’s lawyers have banned him from any contact with the school, which is why he isn’t following you on instagram. He apologizes for that and hopes the ban is lifted so he can. AISU staff members are also banned from contacting him, even through social media, with the threat of termination. For now, though, AISU students, parents, and staff members (although don’t tell anyone they say this, because they could get fired) encourage you to boo the AISU board of directors at the Jazz v. Boston game this season (and sign the petition and attend the town hall meeting, if you’re serious about it).
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I post stuff on AISU's satirical newspaper. That's it. I was taught from birth to write, edit, and post satirical newspaper articles for AISU, and that's all I do. I live, breathe, sleep, eat, and drink Gravy. That's Gravy as in AISU's very best satirical newspaper, not gravy as in the delicious sauce/beverage that goes with anything. I suppose that would be accurate too, though. That stuff's pretty darn good. I like writing, editing, posting, being unbiased, moderately good guest writers, and gravy. I dislike the lack of internet, sleep, anything that keeps me from writing/editing/posting, guest writers who try to show me up, right-wing extremists, left-wing extremists, all popular media outlets that aren't the Gravy, food that makes messes on keyboards, and nagging legal guardians. If I could be any superhero, I would be Superman, because his alter-ego, Clark Kent, writes newspaper articles for a living. If I were him, I would never change into Superman. In fact, I would never leave my office at the Daily Planet. I would never eat or sleep, either, because Superman doesn't need to eat or sleep. And I would be able to type, edit, and post stuff really fast because Superman can do things really fast. So yeah that would be great. aisugravy.wordpress.com
Academics, Choir, Performing Arts, Politics, Probably Real, Sports
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