Search

The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU's Only Reliable News Source

Author

Lesser Gravy Editor

I am the Gravy's less important and more picked on editor. Sadly, I am now the only editor. I used to be from the middle school, but now I'm afraid I'm graduating. I really enjoy writing, editing, and posting for The Gravy, and I especially enjoy not getting credit for it. If I could be any superhero, I would be a robin. Not Robin, Batman's famous sidekick, but a robin, a bird. In fact, I would be a robin whose wings are broken and beak is cracked and has cancer, therefore a flightless bird with an extremely short lifespan. Ahh, bliss. Definitely don't check out my podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/5WRCHwv3mO6RsTWQTdlh79

Goodbye, AISU

It’s official: The school will be closing down at the end of the 2018-2019 school year, with the last day of AISU as a company being on or before August 19th. We don’t want to say that we told you so, but our journalistic integrity insists that we must.

We told you so.

The primary reason for the shut down is mismanagement of funds. That ranges anywhere from Special Education funds, to Foreign Exchange Student funds, to Keeping a Theater Teacher for More than Two Years funds, to Transportation funds. The Utah State Board of Education (or USBE, as they’re known to their college friends) gave the school money for these funds, but AISU did not spend the money on the things that they promised. Not only that, but they failed to keep the receipts for the things that they did spend their money on, citing the fact that they “didn’t want their wallet to get too cluttered”.

Another reason is the semi-legal agreements that AISU has with Realms of Inquiry. Granted, The Daily Gravy been distrustful of Realms from the beginning, what with their “official permits for exchange students” and “committed staff and student body” who “pay to be there” and “direct their own learning”. Sounds suspicious, doesn’t it?

Whatever the true cause of the tragic passing of AISU, we here at the Gravy know that at times like this, the bereaved often need to say a few words. We’re here for you. You’re welcome.

One teacher, who asked not to be identified, while devastated that they would be losing their job, commented that, “If the school did stay open another year, it would be like trying to break your dying, deadbeat dad out of prison. While he is super cool and original, he hasn’t taken very good care of you while he was in your life, and the more you try to save him, the less the government will like you. Plus there’s no guarantee he’ll be able to pay us once he gets out before he dies.”

A student who asked not to be identified called out to any juniors or struggling seniors looking to graduate this year, referencing the fact that they have “a surplus of credits” and that he’s willing to sell them for “any memorabilia of Brian Donahue and/or Robert Pyles”.

One AISU alum who asked not to be identified mentioned that they did not care what happened to the school, saying that they “jumped ship a while ago”, and only kept in touch with any AISU representatives to deal Pokemon cards.

Truman Barnes, late night assembly host and former school mascot candidate, who asked not to be identified, said that “I guess you could say this school is dra-GONE, huh? Will you use that pun in your article? Could you use that pun in that article? Make sure you use that pun in your article.” It should be noted that the Gravy correspondent, after conducting this interview, sighed deeply, shook his head and walked away.

Another teacher said, “Quick word to any and all students who are thinking about stealing things from the school: If the school is so bad at fiscal management, how good do you think they’ll be at taking inventory?” The teacher asked to not be identified.

One student, who asked not to be interviewed, was somehow left unawares of the shut down, and said simply that they were “excited to be a part of the entirely legal and well-staffed AISU 6.0”.

An alum who asked not to be I.D.’d when he entered the bar commented on the Farley Fire’s effect on the situation: “Many people used to say we dodged a bullet by firing the Farleys and everyone affiliated with them. The thing is, though, by dodging that bullet, we placed ourselves in front of thousands of other bullets that were also being shot at us. I need to go to the hospital.”

It’s a very scary time to be an AISU student, unless you’re a well-off senior or a high-achieving junior. Even then, the prospects of no AISU to mold any more future citizens is a frightening thought. The only likely way to continue in future years is to be, essentially, absorbed by another, much more financially sound, charter school. But wouldn’t being A.P.A.I.S.U. be a fate truly worse than death? And the only way to continue AISU as we know it is to tweet every hour on the hour to Elon Musk with the hashtag #SaveAISU. Please do your part. Or don’t, I can’t force you. Because of the restraining order.

AISU Vows to “Eradicate” Rubik’s Cubes

Murray, UT—Responding to what they call a “school-wide plague” and“epidemic,” administrators at AISU released a statement condemning the growing use of Rubik’s Cubes in the school. The popularity of these small, multicolored puzzles has steadily increased since mid-2014, until now there are unverified reports of middle schoolers setting up shrines to Rubik’s Cubes and worshipping them.

 

“This will not be taken lightly,” said Mrs. Powell, a co-author of the statement. “I actually used to like Rubik’s Cubes, until the demand for them went up and up and up, and now the better ones cost $30! I’ve seen stands in the school selling Rubik’s Cubes for $15 apiece. This is unbelievable. First of all, you can buy them online for $12.50. And second of all, they are giving no money back to the school, whose space they use to sell the devilish cubes.” Mrs. Powell has also drafted a petition to outlaw the sale and possession of Rubik’s Cubes, though critics of her plan claim that this would only strengthen the black-market demand and lead to smuggling and dangerous, unregulated cube-trafficking.

 

Perhaps the statement’s strongest language condemning Rubik’s Cubes is the accusation that they discriminate against color blind people. “They can never tell when they’ve finished it,” the document astutely observes. “They may think they have, but as it turns out, they had been seeing the reds as greens and yellows as purples the whole time. Come to think of it, that actually wouldn’t cause a problem, because it would still be finished, but in the wrong order. Or maybe that’s not how colorblindness works. Does it just look like one big gray mess? We’re not actually sure. You know what, just pretend that this paragraph never happened.”

 

The statement goes on to quote Ernő Rubik, creator of the Rubik’s Cube, who claims that his creation actually destroys brain cells. “People who use them waste so much time figuring out the algorithms and the fastest way to spin them,” he says, “and the brain puts so much effort into memorizing all those things, that before long you can’t remember such things as birthdays, people’s names, reasons why you walk into a room, things you’ve already listed in a list, and birthdays.”

 

Reactions to the statement have been mixed, with many students buying more Rubik’s Cubes out of spite. Some students, on the other hand, are complying with the school’s request out of a sense of pity. “I don’t have much against Rubik’s Cubes,” one student said, “but the administration has reduced themselves to begging, and it’s actually kind of embarrassing. So I’m selling my cubes and using the money to buy violent video games. That’s probably much better for my long-term growth and development anyway.”

 

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑