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An Open Letter From the Students of AISU to Our Beloved Super-Duper-Intendent Mike Farley

OK CAN GOOD IMPORTANT CRUCIAL PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES AND AISU PLEASE STOP LEAVING ALREADY?!?!? Mr. Farley, you deserve your position. Everyone knows this. AISU is your school. Everything good we have accomplished is a direct result of your work and your mind. We hope everything gets worked out very soon and you can return, despite the situation being as it is right now. AISU owes you everything, from the beautiful building (we don’t blame you for the questionable carpeting choice), to the idealistic mindset of the school as a whole, to the hiring and organizing of the great administration and staff we have today. AISU is a direct result of your intelligence, your determination, your problem-solving skills, your creativity, your idealism, your selflessness, and your charity towards us. We know that you and your family have been more than open about all business dealings and that you would never do anything that you find immoral. We also know that AISU would be nothing without you, and that without you as a guiding force, we cannot continue to make the dream you had for us a reality.

Not to mention, with everyone who’s leaving, we seriously have nothing going for us as a school besides the largest outbreaks of whooping cough recently. We’re going to have to remarket ourselves as “The American International School of Pertussis” or something. Nobody wants that. “AISP” doesn’t sound good at all. It’s totally lame.

If what we hear turns out to be correct, and you have been permanently removed from your position, we will never stop relating you to Steve Jobs when he got fired from dumb Apple, so then he went made Pixar and stuff, and then Apple realized how freaking stupid they were, and hired him back. We hope it takes dumb AISU much less time to figure it out, though. We would also like to remind you that if you have spare time, guest articles for the Gravy will always be accepted (wink wink). (Also, please get back in there and stop them from doing early release Fridays. That’s just a really dumb thing.) (Oh, and get Steve back in here, please. Everybody misses him and he is very needed. And get rid of whoever’s got a problem with you guys. We’ll help. We can, like, call them names and stuff.)

As Ms. Erica’s News Finally Starts to Sink in, AISU Holds Its Breath and Takes a Look Ahead

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

In Time of Mourning, Mike Farley Makes Surprisingly Uplifting Public Statement Concerning AISU’s Budget

AISU—Last night, at the American International School of Utah, Superduperintendent Mike Farley made a surprisingly (but much-needed) uplifting public statement concerning AISU’s budget and spending.

Attendees of the event said that they had been expecting a statement to be released about the school’s budget, due to rumors spreading about a financial shortfall. However, attendees reported that this meeting was much more positive than they had expected.

A surprisingly upbeat Farley announced that he recently received an email from Wumi Abdula, a girl in Abidjan whose father, a wealthy cocoa merchant, had just passed away.

While attendees struggled to understand what in the world this had to do with the school’s budgetary problems, Farley continued and explained that Wumi Abdula received her father’s inheritance—a whopping $12.5 million—however, she needed overseas assistance hiding the money from her father’s nefarious business partners, who are the main suspects in his death.

“Then comes the exciting part,” said wide-eyed Mike Farley. “All we have to do is send $200,000 right away—don’t worry; I’ve already sent it via PayPal—and Wum (I call her Wum) will make us her overseas business partners. As compensation for our efforts, Wum will give us fifteen percent of the original $12.5 capital M’s! Yeah, baby!”

“I had our Math Department crunch the numbers, and they assure me that fifteen percent of $12.5M is way more than $200,000—a whole heckin’ lot of money,” Farley concluded, squealing with excitement, “Like, at least enough for a couple more school buses!”

Beatles’ “Yesterday” Also Written About Ms. Erica

STILL CRYING, CAN’T WRITE CONTENT; HERE IS LYRICS:

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly I’m not half the man I used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

beatles_indianapolis

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [she did say, actually]
I did something wrong [actually she says I didn’t do anything wrong, but she was offered a job that she isn’t super overqualified for, as well as full ride to ASU, but still], now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [except she did say]
I did something wrong [actually she said we did great, but she got a great opportunity and it’s good for her, it’s just sad], now I long for yesterday.

tumblr_inline_n1obgcg9mL1svg9ln

Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

Bill Withers Reveals “Ain’t No Sunshine” Was Written About Erica Glenn

DUE TO CRYING, THE DAILY GRAVY EDITORS ARE NOT ABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS ARTICLE. THE REST OF THIS POST WILL CONSIST SOLELY OF BILL WITHERS’ “AIN’T NO SUNSHINE” LYRICS:

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
It’s not warm when she’s away.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And she’s always gone too long
Anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she’s gone
Wonder if she’s gone to stay
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know,
Hey, I oughtta leave young thing alone
But ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

0

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
Only darkness every day.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.

BREAKING: AISU OFFICIALLY HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

THE EDITORS FOR THE GRAVY ARE UNABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS POST DUE TO CRYING

AISU’s Whooping Cough Epidemic AKA “The Plague”

AISU—The American International School of Utah (AISU) has recently been plagued by a strong case of the whooping cough. Doctors describe whooping cough as a rare cough that is potentially more harmful than a regular cough because it causes victims to make a high-pitched “whoop!” sound that doctors find very annoying. Victims are often denied treatment as a result. “I can’t stand it,” one doctor admitted. “It’s worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. So when someone comes to my office and starts whooping, I just make them leave. Sometimes, on their way out, I prescribe an addictive pain killer they don’t need, just to get even.”

Nobody wants that, so school officials have warned students who are not vaccinated against whooping cough to stay home. This decision has fanned the flames of the already-raging debate between parents who believe vaccinations are good because they eradicate deadly diseases and parents who believe vaccinations are part of an elaborate government conspiracy to give everyone autism. It now appears that the vaccinations are also part of a conspiracy to force children to go to school even though people around them will be coughing and making irritating whooping sounds.

AISU’s epidemic has caught the attention of the ever-attentive social media, including a surprising number of gofundme pages for the school, hundreds of Facebook profile pictures that have been changed to little boxes that say “whoops, AISU’s got a cough :-(“, and even a pity-following for the AISU memes page.

However, the most noticeable attention AISU has gotten for being sick has come from Whoopi Goldberg, the inventor of whooping cough. Whoopi tagged AISU in a recent tweet, saying, “When you cough on someone in school, you hope they’ll get sick and cough on someone else. And it’ll become like a wildfire.” Whoopi then added a more personal message: “Congrats to AISU students who didn’t get vaccinations and get to stay home from school! No vaccinations = more vacations!”

Unblocked Websites Discovered, Study Commissioned to Find Out Why

An intense investigation by Elijah Anderson

 

As nearly every AISU student has discovered, there are some pretty good game and entertainment websites that are not blocked on the school Wi-Fi, which is surprising because almost everything else is blocked, including school work. The PSA (Pointless Studies of America) recently conducted as study to get to the bottom of this.

 

The study included interviews with a random sample of two  teachers, both of whom claim that they actually have lives outside of school and like to do things. Two unnamed teachers admitted that they enjoy, for example, playing video games online and spending time on meme sites (the identity of these sites has not been released, in order to protect them from being  blocked). The PSA study concludes that if two teachers admit to using and enjoying such sites, all teachers do, because all teachers are the same.

 

Since the study was released, speculation has run rampant (and eventually hardened into accepted fact) that these game and entertainment sites are not blocked because the principal and the superintendent use them as well. So far, Mark Smith and Mike Farley will not confirm nor deny any allegations, which just confirms it, because if it weren’t true, why wouldn’t you just deny it?

 

From there, it wasn’t a huge leap to start drawing conclusions about the real reasons behind the AISU 3.0 changes. Obviously, school officials had spent so much time gaming online that the night before the changes were to be announced, they realized they hadn’t planned anything yet. So they hurriedly threw together some ideas they found inside the fortune cookies that came with the Chinese takeout they had ordered to fuel their all-night gaming binge. Then they Googled “Curriculum Companies,” called the first one they saw, and asked if we could use their curriculum. When confronted with these allegations, school officials would not confirm nor deny these allegations, which proves that they are true, because seriously people, that’s not a hard thing to deny.

 

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

AISU Spirit Bowl Info & Details

AISU – To tie up the first Spirit Week of the 2016-17 school year, the American International School of Utah will hold a “Spirit Bowl” during 4th block where the school’s four “Squads” or “Houses” (also new with the 2016-17 school year – 3.0), will compete in a number of different events,  still to be announced.

 

Although the competitive events are yet to be announced, the school administration has told each of the Houses (Which they called SlitherJen, Stumphelpuff, Pippandor, and Johnstonclaw) to locate their best seeker before 4th block and send him/her to the cafeteria for a broomstick, wand, and owl.

 

The school administration has also said that they will be changing Mike Stumph’s position name from “Hall Monitor” to “Dementor” for this event, and possibly for the foreseeable future “if it works”. The school would also like students to stop calling the Spirit Bowl the “Stop-Try-ing-Wizard Tournament,” saying the two are “completely different events.”

 

The school continued their statement by announcing Ted Bundy as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. They closed by saying they hope to see all the students at the Spirit Bowl, and by asking them to “please, please, please don’t just leave campus.”

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