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The Daily Gravy

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The Daily Gravy Essential Back-to-School Shopping List

It’s not too late to finish up your back-to-school shopping before the first trimester starts! Because the Daily Gravy loves you and wants what’s best for you, we have provided below the essential back-to-school shopping list for all your AISU 2017-18 school year needs! Sponsored by Wal-Mart.

 

  • Whooping cough vaccinations

After last year’s outbreak at AISU, the official slogan for pertussis vaccinations changed from “It’s worth getting autism” to the more relevant “Vaccinate your students, or you’ll get fired from your own school, Ms. Erica will leave, your brothers will also get fired, Kelly will get fired, everyone will die inside, and eventually the school you created with so much hope and potential will be converted to the new county jail.”

 

  • Academic Edgeiblity™ forms by Ekim Hpmuts

Remember last year when the school cracked down on Academic Eligibility forms, which students had to turn in before participating in school activities? Well this year, students can skip the hassle of actually achieving academic eligibility and purchase one of these new Academic Edgeibility™ forms, which [not sure where you were going with this, but here’s a guess] teach students the important life lessons that money is more important that qualifications, that buying something is an acceptable alternative to working for it, and that anything worth having is worth paying for (not figuratively but in a literal, monetary sense). Who knows, someday our students may apply these lessons and become President of the United States.

 

  • Crayons

No school year is complete without this classic necessity. Although AISU is mostly Chromebook-based, crayons are still important for scribbling cryptic images on the walls and drawing stick figures of your favorite staff members for them to hang on their refrigerators at home.

 

  • Kelly

Everybody knows that no school year would be complete without our favorite Kelly Casaday. He is by far the most important item on this list.

 

  • 3 extra Chromebook chargers

Because you’ll lose one of them, one of them is going to break, and one will probably be stolen by your creepy neighbor’s garden gnomes.

 

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Give fashion a try™

Show your love for (almost) everyone’s favorite superduperintendent and turn heads with this fashionable attire! Available in a variety of custom clothing items on zazzle.com (note: choose a dark color for best results). Get the t-shirt HERE. All proceeds go to Zazzle and the Find the Farleys charity program. (Or get a less stylish, discounted version HERE, if your love for Mike Farley is bound by monetary restrictions).

 

  • Edible food

Without Greg as our head lunch lady, school lunches are sure to be extra-inedible this coming year. Get ahead of the game by purchasing your own edible food, such as hot Cheetos and Coca-Cola.

 

This concludes the Daily Gravy’s essential back-to-school shopping list. Failure to purchase any of these items, and the attendant consequences, are now squarely on you.

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The Daily Gravy Fact Checker, Vol. 1

The Daily Gravy Fact Checker is a fact checker that checks “facts” that have anything to do with AISU, someone currently or once affiliated with AISU, or something said in the vicinity of AISU and overheard by someone at AISU. These “facts” are checked through a vigorous scientific checking process that you wouldn’t understand. So let’s get on with it:

1. Ex-superduperintendent (and hopefully future superduperintendent) Mike Farley said in his town hall Q&A that the school will still survive and will continue to be a place that fosters creativity, talent, and bad cafeteria food. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a PARTIAL LIE. The Daily Gravy has confirmed on multiple occasions that AISU will likely not survive, especially without Mike Farley, and that it will definitely stop fostering creativity and talent. Professional statistics and stuff show that, without Mike Farley (let alone Kelly Casaday, Steve Farley, and Steve’s clone, Greg), AISU is on the path to becoming very similar to the Smile Away Reformatory School from Phineas and Ferb, except with a better performing arts program, assuming Dr. Sarah doesn’t jump ship. It is true, however, that the cafeteria food will continue to be bad, most likely.

2. Russell Westbrook, the 2017 NBA MVP, claims that he once used an AISU toenail clipper (designed and created by AISU legend Kelly Casaday) to clip his the nails of his Maltese The Brodie. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. First off, why would Russell Westbrook lie about that? Secondly, we’ve seen pictures of The Brodie, and that toenail perfection can only be achieved by the unique clipping capabilities of the exclusive AISU toenail clipper.

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Russell Westbrook and his Maltese, The Brodie. That toenail perfection can only be achieved with the limited-edition AISU toenail clipper.

3. A member of the school board claimed during a recent community meeting that neither she nor the rest of the school board knew that the minutes of the board meetings were not being posted online. She also claimed that she had recently brushed her teeth. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a BLATANT DOUBLE LIE. The Daily Gravy has sent multiple ambassadors to AISU board of directors meetings since December 2016 for the sole purpose of informing them that their minutes had not been posted online, even though this is both customary and required by law. Though the meetings were nearly impossible to attend (thanks to the illegal uncooperativeness of the school board), and the board was not very good at listening to our information, our loyal and intrepid representatives (caring parents of students) are true warriors, so they somehow attended the meetings anyway and got the message to the board multiple times. It is therefore impossible for the board not to have known that the minutes were not being posted. Also, it is common knowledge that the board prioritizes the students’ well-being over basic dental hygiene, and since they have definitely not been focusing on students’ well-being at all over the past several months, there is no possible way they could have even touched their Oral-B Pro 7000 SmartSeries Black Electronic Power Rechargeable Toothbrush with Bluetooth Connectivity Powered by Braun yet.

4. AISU luminary Mike Farley has said that he cares deeply for the students and staff and administration members and wants more than anything to see us succeed. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. In fact, truer words have never been said.

5. Rudy Gobert, the best center in the NBA and an acknowledged Frenchman, hoping to revive the spirits of the AISU community while they witness AISU’s downfall, plans to purchase AISU in the near future and immediately reinstate the Farleys and Kelly. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be CURRENTLY INDISCERNIBLE, BUT HOPEFULLY TRUE. Sometimes, all you have is hope. And at those times, you must cling tenaciously to that hope, slim though it may be. If this does happen, though, it is almost certain that Gobert will rename AISU “the Rudy Gobert School of French, Blocking Shots, and Cryptic Hair Designs” or “RGSFBSCHD” for short. It is also widely believed that the new name will not change how the school operates, except that it is likely to place greater emphasis on not doing stupid things. So far, Gobert has been reticent when asked whether he plans to buy AISU, in some cases denying that he has ever heard of the school. However, the Daily Gravy Fact Checker has confirmed that during a recent, supposedly unrelated press conference, Gobert clearly blinked at exactly the 49.98 second mark and then nodded his head slightly. This subtle but undeniable hint is what the AISU community is currently hitching its hopes to. Yep, that’s the state of things.

This has been the Daily Gravy Fact Checker, Vol. 1. If you or your diabetic gecko have anything pertaining to AISU or not pertaining to AISU that you want checked for facts, email us at askgravy@gmail.com. If you cannot email us because you have PTSD from the urgent alone email thread or the sitting-on-the-floor email thread, you may comment below. Thank you.

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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A Tribute to AISU’s Class of 2017: The Most Tearful Goodbyes

Who knew that this year, AISU 3.0, would be AISU’s last “good” year? The Daily Gravy will be the first to admit that the way we reacted to last year’s 3.0 ordeal was incredibly naïve. How could we know that 3.0, with all of its frustrating madness, would seem like a warm bubble bath compared to the prospect of next year at AISU without those who are graduating or leaving? Which brings us to the point of this article: to say goodbye to people who have seemed like a permanent part of AISU—including students as well as teachers, such as Erica Glenn, David Fawson, and Pippa Keene.

While the Gravy is not known for shying away from difficult topics, this one is incredibly hard. When we picture AISU, we picture you. We picture everything you’ve done for us and for the school, whether it’s something big, such as organizing (or participating in) a world-class performing arts program, or something small, such as being our friend though you knew you were going to have to leave. Come to think of it, that’s actually really rude of you. You’d all better do a really good job of keeping in touch.

We would not be who we are today without you. You have changed us individually and as a school. We are better because we knew you. Without you, there would be no performing arts at AISU. Without you, there would be no Daily Gravy. Without you, a lot of us would be in a very dark place, literally (like a public school) or figuratively (like a mental hospital—but I repeat myself). Without you, many of us would have no idea what we truly want to do with our lives. Without you, life would suck a lot.

We will forever be grateful that you were a part of our lives for even a small amount of time. That means more to us than the fact that AISU’s soccer team won the state championship. Or, to give a more familiar, relatable example, it means more to us than anything AISU’s performing arts program has ever accomplished. If we had the choice between keeping you around only a little bit longer or never having another fire drill at AISU, we would choose keeping you around, hands down. We want to keep in touch with you more than we want Mike Stumph to mind his own business. We would fill out an academic eligibility form every day if it meant we could have more time in your life, and we would make sure to stay on track in our classes and maybe even work ahead if it meant our teachers would sign us off as eligible.

You’re more important to us than academic eligibility forms are to Mike Stumph. You mean more to us than getting into the school play means to the drama kids. We love you more than our performing arts students hate Rockwell Charter High School and Shaun Barrowes combined. We care about you more than Sir Burton cares about his robot stuff. We’ll miss you more than we’d miss our freedom if we were at a public school. Much more, actually. You are the Christa to our Dean. You are the Kelly Casaday of our lives. We love you and if we don’t see you again—well, let’s not let our thought go there, OK? We hope to see you again as much as possible. The Gravy isn’t very good at goodbyes, but that’s OK, because this is not a goodbye; it’s just a “see you later, alligators.” Lots of love, the Daily Gravy.

Note: at the time of first writing this, we thought that Pippa and Nate were going to leave, but then they ended up not doing so (for reasons probably relating to Mike Farley’s untimely termination). We think that’s great, but also we feel a little cheated that you got this goodbye and then came back. For that, we’re transferring the goodbyes here to Mike, Steve, and Greg Farley, as well as Kelly Casaday, because we thought they were going to stay, and it turns out they got hecking fired by some hecking dumb people for some hecking dumb reasons. We said “who knew AISU 3.0 would be AISU’s last ‘good’ year,” and we didn’t know how right we were. We also said that we were incredibly naïve in the way we reacted to 3.0, and we were also naïve in the way we first reacted to the 2017-18 school year. Ms. Erica and everyone and the great class of 2017 leaving was really bad, but we took some things for granted that we thought would never change. We had no idea any of this could ever happen. We love you, Farleys. We love you, Kelly. We love everyone who left this year. And freaking Nate and Pippa who said they were going to leave and got our goodbyes and then didn’t leave, what the heck guys? Anyway, Kelly and the Farleys, we hope you can somehow get your school back. AISU isn’t AISU without U.

As Ms. Erica’s News Finally Starts to Sink in, AISU Holds Its Breath and Takes a Look Ahead

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

Beatles’ “Yesterday” Also Written About Ms. Erica

STILL CRYING, CAN’T WRITE CONTENT; HERE IS LYRICS:

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly I’m not half the man I used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

beatles_indianapolis

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [she did say, actually]
I did something wrong [actually she says I didn’t do anything wrong, but she was offered a job that she isn’t super overqualified for, as well as full ride to ASU, but still], now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [except she did say]
I did something wrong [actually she said we did great, but she got a great opportunity and it’s good for her, it’s just sad], now I long for yesterday.

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Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

BREAKING: AISU OFFICIALLY HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

THE EDITORS FOR THE GRAVY ARE UNABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS POST DUE TO CRYING

Horror-Scopes: The Halloween Horoscopes

Have you ever wanted to be told what to do all the time by superficial figures made out of dead balls of gas millions of light years away, and Mike Stumph just doesn’t cut it?  Well now’s your chance! AISU’s only reliable news source now has a horoscope section, starting with a late-evening Halloween special—your Horror-Scope:

Aries March 21 – April 19 Bring a weapon with you trick or treating tonight, because you’re going to need it. Clowns cannot be tolerated, no exceptions. They will stab you to death. Don’t give them that chance.
Taurus April 20 – May 20 Although the threat of getting stabbed may be scary, don’t skip out on trick-or-treating tonight. If you do encounter creepy clowns with seemingly violent intentions, just let them know you care about them and that you understand their circumstances. After that, they’ll either leave you alone, give you a warm embrace, or stab you in the throat. On second thought, just go trick-or-treating with an Aries.
Gemini May 21 – June 20 Although being an individual can be enticing at times, as you know, it is ultimately impractical and will only lead to disappointment and crushed dreams down the road. Do yourself a favor and don’t be jealous of people who make their own choices or are successful. Deep down inside, they envy you.
Cancer June 21 – July 22 You should seriously consider legally changing your birthday.
Leo July 23 – August 22 If you need a last-minute Halloween costume tip, be life and hand out lemons to trick-or-treaters. Kids love that stuff.
Virgo August 23 – September 22 The clowns are out to get you. Hide. Don’t go outside until 2017. They will get you.
Libra September 23 – October 22 Halloween has just lost its appeal over the years. Today, you plan to sit inside and do nothing. But don’t forget the joys of Halloweens past. This Halloween, sit inside and get sick from eating the Halloween candy you were planning on handing out to little kids. Enjoy yourself.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Don’t dress up as a clown.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Although your wisdom may be great beyond your years, nobody cares. Especially when it comes to the origins of Halloween. Don’t spoil our fun, alright?
Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Don’t worry about if people will make fun of your costume today, that you worked so hard on and are especially passionate about. They totally will. Relentlessly.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18 While driving your van around and offering children candy so that they don’t have to walk as far may be a good sentiment, it could be misinterpreted. Best drop that idea.
Pisces February 19 – March 20 Just because Scorpio wants you to dress up like a clown with him/her doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Don’t be fooled; stick to your original plan of dressing as a bearded lady and getting mad whenever anyone “assumes your gender.” It’s much better.

AISU Haiku No. 2

The American

International School of

Utah. Darn, so close.

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