Search

The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU aka The Pertussis School's Only Reliable News Source

Category

Columns

A Tribute to AISU’s Class of 2017: The Most Tearful Goodbyes

Who knew that this year, AISU 3.0, would be AISU’s last “good” year? The Daily Gravy will be the first to admit that the way we reacted to last year’s 3.0 ordeal was incredibly naïve. How could we know that 3.0, with all of its frustrating madness, would seem like a warm bubble bath compared to the prospect of next year at AISU without those who are graduating or leaving? Which brings us to the point of this article: to say goodbye to people who have seemed like a permanent part of AISU—including students as well as teachers, such as Erica Glenn, David Fawson, and Pippa Keene.

While the Gravy is not known for shying away from difficult topics, this one is incredibly hard. When we picture AISU, we picture you. We picture everything you’ve done for us and for the school, whether it’s something big, such as organizing (or participating in) a world-class performing arts program, or something small, such as being our friend though you knew you were going to have to leave. Come to think of it, that’s actually really rude of you. You’d all better do a really good job of keeping in touch.

We would not be who we are today without you. You have changed us individually and as a school. We are better because we knew you. Without you, there would be no performing arts at AISU. Without you, there would be no Daily Gravy. Without you, a lot of us would be in a very dark place, literally (like a public school) or figuratively (like a mental hospital—but I repeat myself). Without you, many of us would have no idea what we truly want to do with our lives. Without you, life would suck a lot.

We will forever be grateful that you were a part of our lives for even a small amount of time. That means more to us than the fact that AISU’s soccer team won the state championship. Or, to give a more familiar, relatable example, it means more to us than anything AISU’s performing arts program has ever accomplished. If we had the choice between keeping you around only a little bit longer or never having another fire drill at AISU, we would choose keeping you around, hands down. We want to keep in touch with you more than we want Mike Stumph to mind his own business. We would fill out an academic eligibility form every day if it meant we could have more time in your life, and we would make sure to stay on track in our classes and maybe even work ahead if it meant our teachers would sign us off as eligible.

You’re more important to us than academic eligibility forms are to Mike Stumph. You mean more to us than getting into the school play means to the drama kids. We love you more than our performing arts students hate Rockwell Charter High School and Shaun Barrowes combined. We care about you more than Sir Burton cares about his robot stuff. We’ll miss you more than we’d miss our freedom if we were at a public school. Much more, actually. You are the Christa to our Dean. You are the Kelly Casaday of our lives. We love you and if we don’t see you again—well, let’s not let our thought go there, OK? We hope to see you again as much as possible. The Gravy isn’t very good at goodbyes, but that’s OK, because this is not a goodbye; it’s just a “see you later, alligators.” Lots of love, the Daily Gravy.

 

As Ms. Erica’s News Finally Starts to Sink in, AISU Holds Its Breath and Takes a Look Ahead

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

Beatles’ “Yesterday” Also Written About Ms. Erica

STILL CRYING, CAN’T WRITE CONTENT; HERE IS LYRICS:

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly I’m not half the man I used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

beatles_indianapolis

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [she did say, actually]
I did something wrong [actually she says I didn’t do anything wrong, but she was offered a job that she isn’t super overqualified for, as well as full ride to ASU, but still], now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [except she did say]
I did something wrong [actually she said we did great, but she got a great opportunity and it’s good for her, it’s just sad], now I long for yesterday.

tumblr_inline_n1obgcg9mL1svg9ln

Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

BREAKING: AISU OFFICIALLY HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

THE EDITORS FOR THE GRAVY ARE UNABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS POST DUE TO CRYING

Horror-Scopes: The Halloween Horoscopes

Have you ever wanted to be told what to do all the time by superficial figures made out of dead balls of gas millions of light years away, and Mike Stumph just doesn’t cut it?  Well now’s your chance! AISU’s only reliable news source now has a horoscope section, starting with a late-evening Halloween special—your Horror-Scope:

Aries March 21 – April 19 Bring a weapon with you trick or treating tonight, because you’re going to need it. Clowns cannot be tolerated, no exceptions. They will stab you to death. Don’t give them that chance.
Taurus April 20 – May 20 Although the threat of getting stabbed may be scary, don’t skip out on trick-or-treating tonight. If you do encounter creepy clowns with seemingly violent intentions, just let them know you care about them and that you understand their circumstances. After that, they’ll either leave you alone, give you a warm embrace, or stab you in the throat. On second thought, just go trick-or-treating with an Aries.
Gemini May 21 – June 20 Although being an individual can be enticing at times, as you know, it is ultimately impractical and will only lead to disappointment and crushed dreams down the road. Do yourself a favor and don’t be jealous of people who make their own choices or are successful. Deep down inside, they envy you.
Cancer June 21 – July 22 You should seriously consider legally changing your birthday.
Leo July 23 – August 22 If you need a last-minute Halloween costume tip, be life and hand out lemons to trick-or-treaters. Kids love that stuff.
Virgo August 23 – September 22 The clowns are out to get you. Hide. Don’t go outside until 2017. They will get you.
Libra September 23 – October 22 Halloween has just lost its appeal over the years. Today, you plan to sit inside and do nothing. But don’t forget the joys of Halloweens past. This Halloween, sit inside and get sick from eating the Halloween candy you were planning on handing out to little kids. Enjoy yourself.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Don’t dress up as a clown.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Although your wisdom may be great beyond your years, nobody cares. Especially when it comes to the origins of Halloween. Don’t spoil our fun, alright?
Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Don’t worry about if people will make fun of your costume today, that you worked so hard on and are especially passionate about. They totally will. Relentlessly.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18 While driving your van around and offering children candy so that they don’t have to walk as far may be a good sentiment, it could be misinterpreted. Best drop that idea.
Pisces February 19 – March 20 Just because Scorpio wants you to dress up like a clown with him/her doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Don’t be fooled; stick to your original plan of dressing as a bearded lady and getting mad whenever anyone “assumes your gender.” It’s much better.

AISU Haiku No. 2

The American

International School of

Utah. Darn, so close.

AISU Haiku No. I

AISU is

Four syllables unless you

Use phonics. AISU.

Exclusive Interview: Mr. Justis Explains How You Can Change the World

AISU – In a record-breaking long assembly for the high school and middle school last Thursday, American International School of Utah Academics Director Nathan Justis made what some are calling a “ridiculous” claim—that each student can change the world.

After receiving intense criticism for his “unrealistic expectations for naturally incompetent students,” which critics claim will “get the students’ hopes up, only to crush them once they remember they’re really lazy,” Justis agreed to an exclusive interview with the Daily Gravy to clarify his remarks. The key points from that interview are summarized below:

Daily Gravy: “What did you think about the critics saying that your claim was ridiculous and your students are incompetent?”

Mr. Justis: “I think it wasn’t very nice. I mean, even incompetent students can change the world. And our students aren’t incompetent at performing arts.”

DG: “What sort of change are you talking about?”

MJ: “Well, just everyday things can really make a difference. They might not seem like they make a huge difference, but they might really change someone’s world.”

DG: “Do you have any specific examples, so your students know what kinds of everyday things they can do to change the world for someone?”

MJ: “You know, just little things like brushing your teeth and clipping your fingernails can really change somebody’s world. For example, somebody might be having an awful day, and then they see you with your neatly trimmed fingernails and minty fresh teeth and suddenly have a renewed hope in mankind. I mean, that sort of thing happens to me all the time.”

DG: “I see. You say that sort of thing happens to you often. Can you give us a couple specific examples from your personal life?”

MJ: “Yes, of course. One time, during lunch, I was feeling especially hungry. Then this group of students walked past me, carrying paper bags from Five Guys. It was because of that that I realized I wanted to eat at Five Guys. I did, and it was very delicious. I really appreciate those students, because that meal was really good. I thank those students every time I see them and tell them how they changed my world that day.”

DG: “I agree, Five Guys is pretty good. I personally prefer Crown Burger, though.”

MJ: “Yeah, Crown Burger’s good, too. They’re sort of a different venue, though.”

DG: “True.”

MJ: “Yep.”

DG: What are your thoughts on discount movie theaters?”

MJ: “I think they serve a great purpose to the community. While the quality of the theater might not be the best, you also get to see a movie for a fraction of the price, which is, for a lot of people, more than worth it.”

DG: “Who’s your favorite character from Dora the Explorer?”

MJ: “I would have to say the squirrel who only speaks Spanish. I can’t remember his name right now, but he’s always struck me as a fun-loving, independent character, and I really admire his stubborn refusal to learn English, even though it’s clearly the primary language of everyone else in the show.”

DG: “Would you rather be forced to listen to a violin tuning or stab your ears with a mechanical pencil?”

MJ: “Ooh, that one’s tough. They both cause about the same amount of ear damage, right? But on the other hand, you face the danger every day of hearing a violin tuning by just walking through the halls at this school.”

DG: “That’s true. That was a pretty difficult question.”

MJ: “Yeah, it was.”

DG: “Well, thank you for your time”

MJ: “Of course. Thanks for asking me questions and stuff.”

DG: “You’re welcome.”

After the exclusive interview, Mr. Justis said he would release a list of “25 everyday things you can do to change the world today” sometime in the near future, along with a ranking of his favorite Dora the Explorer characters. He also promised to research the squirrel’s name.

A Tribute Article to AISU’s Class of 2016: See You Next Year! Oh, Wait. Never Mind.

AISU—Tonight, AISU seniors who have earned all necessary credits will graduate and receive a one-way ticket to the “real world.” The question rises, however, about what these new adults will do with their newfound freedom mingled with burdensome responsibilities. Many graduating seniors (some after a “gap year” or an LDS mission) are choosing to go to a university or mental institution, but more adventurous students have other plans. Some of the post–high school plans of these adventurous students (whose names have been changed to protect the innocent) include:

 

Alex Thomasson: Train to become a professional goofball for Google, Inc.

 

Tristan Pill: Open a “Happy Hip-Hop Homies” all-girls dance academy

 

Pherica Air: Start a nonprofit dedicated to teaching underprivileged wild animals how to paint pictures of lollipops and bubblegum for their mothers

 

Ostrich Huntergaard: Train Alex Thomasson to become professional goofball

 

Java-ier: Win 50 consecutive People’s Choice Awards and beat Trump in the 2016 election.

 

BeLisa Hoax: Start planning reunions

 

Eon Hair: Start planning to not attend reunions

 

Sandra Bagstaff: Become a civil rights activist for the vertically challenged

 

Silly Narsden: Start a classical metal band called “Beethovenian Beelzebub” or “Baroquen Mirrors” or “My Chemical Romantic Era” or something like that

 

Salutatorian: Become the best and most popular inspirational speaker in the history of the world

 

Valedictorian: Get all teeth knocked out ASAP

 

The AISU Daily Gravy wishes luck, happiness, and free cars to this year’s graduating seniors. Good luck to all of you with this whole “life” thing. It can be pretty tough sometimes. Luckily for you, though, you don’t have to endure through the birthing pains of AISU 3.0, so you should consider yourselves extremely lucky. You really dodged an enormous, exploding, kryptonite bullet by graduating this year. We all envy you for that. We love you guys, and we hope to see you again often down the road. Good luck and be happy! Go rock at whatever it is you’re going to be doing! Way to be!
Lots of love, the Daily Gravy

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑