The Daily Gravy

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The Daily Gravy Essential Back-to-School Shopping List

It’s not too late to finish up your back-to-school shopping before the first trimester starts! Because the Daily Gravy loves you and wants what’s best for you, we have provided below the essential back-to-school shopping list for all your AISU 2017-18 school year needs! Sponsored by Wal-Mart.


  • Whooping cough vaccinations

After last year’s outbreak at AISU, the official slogan for pertussis vaccinations changed from “It’s worth getting autism” to the more relevant “Vaccinate your students, or you’ll get fired from your own school, Ms. Erica will leave, your brothers will also get fired, Kelly will get fired, everyone will die inside, and eventually the school you created with so much hope and potential will be converted to the new county jail.”


  • Academic Edgeiblity™ forms by Ekim Hpmuts

Remember last year when the school cracked down on Academic Eligibility forms, which students had to turn in before participating in school activities? Well this year, students can skip the hassle of actually achieving academic eligibility and purchase one of these new Academic Edgeibility™ forms, which teach students the important life lessons that money is more important that qualifications, that buying something is an acceptable alternative to working for it, and that anything worth having is worth paying for (not figuratively but in a literal, monetary sense). Who knows, someday our students may apply these lessons and become President of the United States.


  • Crayons

No school year is complete without this classic necessity. Although AISU is mostly Chromebook-based, crayons are still important for scribbling cryptic images on the walls and drawing stick figures of your favorite staff members for them to hang on their refrigerators at home.


  • Kelly

Everybody knows that no school year would be complete without our favorite Kelly Casaday. He is by far the most important item on this list.


  • 3 extra Chromebook chargers

Because you’ll lose one of them, one of them is going to break, and one will probably be stolen by your creepy neighbor’s garden gnomes.


Give fashion a try™

Show your love for (almost) everyone’s favorite superduperintendent and turn heads with this fashionable attire! Available in a variety of custom clothing items on (note: choose a dark color for best results). Get the t-shirt HERE. All proceeds go to Zazzle and the Find the Farleys charity program. (Or get a less stylish, discounted version HERE, if your love for Mike Farley is bound by monetary restrictions).


  • Edible food

Without Greg as our head lunch lady, school lunches are sure to be extra-inedible this coming year. Get ahead of the game by purchasing your own edible food, such as hot Cheetos and Coca-Cola.


This concludes the Daily Gravy’s essential back-to-school shopping list. Failure to purchase any of these items, and the attendant consequences, are now squarely on you.


If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.


Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.







As Ms. Erica’s News Finally Starts to Sink in, AISU Holds Its Breath and Takes a Look Ahead

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”



Ask and Receive: A Gravy Column

Ask and Receive” is a Daily Gravy column in which members of AISU’s student body and staff ask questions, and the Gravy Editors receive them. See how that works out?


Our first question comes from an anonymous student who is concerned about falling asleep in Physics class:

“I keep falling asleep in Physics class. This is normally beneficial to me, because I do need my sleep, but this next week of class is probably going to require more participation so that I can actually finish the course. Is it possible for me to stay awake, or should I not even try?”

Well, anonymous student, Physics class is known to induce drowsiness. However, contrary to popular belief, it is possible to stay awake. One thing to remember is the first law of motion (which, ironically, you would know about if you hadn’t been sleeping in Physics class): objects in motion tend to stay in motion, while objects at rest tend to stay at rest. This means that you should never begin to rest, or you will never return. Instead, stay in motion! One of the most effective ways to do this is to run laps around the classroom for most of the class period. It’s also helpful to do about 15 jumping jacks every few minutes.
Some students like to bring a jump rope or a hula hoop to use when they start to feel sleepy. If you still aren’t able to stay awake, don’t worry; graduating is overrated anyway.

Truman Barnes from the middle school asks the next question about popularity.

“I feel like every day I am overlooked and I don’t get enough respect. What is a good way to be respected at this school?”

Truman, if anyone knows about disrespect, it’s us at the Gravy. We make it our business to never show any respect to anyone. So if you’d like to be respected more, we would suggest that you try to be more respectable. In an attempt to help you, we read Lifehack’s clickbait link “20 Things Every Man Should Learn to be a More Respectable Person” and randomly selected a number on that list that you should work on improving. The number selected was #7, “How You Treat a Woman.”

Some of the woman-treating skills on Lifehack’s list include opening doors for women, speaking highly of women, and communicating with women. To gain these skills, we suggest practicing opening doors for others at least 7 times per day. Be sure to do this when you’re alone, so if you do it wrong there are no witnesses. Also remember that you’re only opening doors for women, so if a man tries to enter through a door you’re opening, trip him and close the door as quickly as possible so that it breaks his legs. To speak highly of women, we suggest loudly announcing things you like about the female gender at random times throughout the day. This will show women you care or at least notice things about their gender. To practice communicating with women, we suggest regularly listening to soap operas on television and practicing nodding and making appropriate facial gestures while thinking about the NBA playoffs in your head. Follow these steps and you’re sure to be more respected in no time. You’re welcome.

Our next question is from a student who calls himself “the Unicorn King.”

“Once I was walking down the street, and a 9-foot-tall guy with sunshine
coming out of his mouth and a hippo for a hand told me that everything in the whole wide world is really mean, even my mom. I don’t think my mom’s mean. What do you think?”

If you think your mom’s nice, we’ll take your word for it. However, for future reference, we would suggest not talking to 9-foot-tall guys with sunshine mouths and a hippo for a hand, because, as we learn from Psych season 2, episode 6, “Meat is Murder, But Murder is Also Murder,” those guys usually turn out to be the jealous assistant who murdered the food critic because he wanted his job. We also learn that mushroom farmers aren’t always the best at criminal identification, but they pull through in the end.

This concludes this session of Ask and Receive: A Gravy Column. If you have questions you would like to be received by the Gravy editors, email ASKGRAVY@GMAIL.COM with your question and we will be sure to receive it.

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