It’s not too late to finish up your back-to-school shopping before the first trimester starts! Because the Daily Gravy loves you and wants what’s best for you, we have provided below the essential back-to-school shopping list for all your AISU 2017-18 school year needs! Sponsored by Wal-Mart.
- Whooping cough vaccinations
After last year’s outbreak at AISU, the official slogan for pertussis vaccinations changed from “It’s worth getting autism” to the more relevant “Vaccinate your students, or you’ll get fired from your own school, Ms. Erica will leave, your brothers will also get fired, Kelly will get fired, everyone will die inside, and eventually the school you created with so much hope and potential will be converted to the new county jail.”
- Academic Edgeiblity™ forms by Ekim Hpmuts
Remember last year when the school cracked down on Academic Eligibility forms, which students had to turn in before participating in school activities? Well this year, students can skip the hassle of actually achieving academic eligibility and purchase one of these new Academic Edgeibility™ forms, which [not sure where you were going with this, but here’s a guess] teach students the important life lessons that money is more important that qualifications, that buying something is an acceptable alternative to working for it, and that anything worth having is worth paying for (not figuratively but in a literal, monetary sense). Who knows, someday our students may apply these lessons and become President of the United States.
No school year is complete without this classic necessity. Although AISU is mostly Chromebook-based, crayons are still important for scribbling cryptic images on the walls and drawing stick figures of your favorite staff members for them to hang on their refrigerators at home.
Everybody knows that no school year would be complete without our favorite Kelly Casaday. He is by far the most important item on this list.
- 3 extra Chromebook chargers
Because you’ll lose one of them, one of them is going to break, and one will probably be stolen by your creepy neighbor’s garden gnomes.
Show your love for (almost) everyone’s favorite superduperintendent and turn heads with this fashionable attire! Available in a variety of custom clothing items on zazzle.com (note: choose a dark color for best results). Get the t-shirt HERE. All proceeds go to Zazzle and the Find the Farleys charity program. (Or get a less stylish, discounted version HERE, if your love for Mike Farley is bound by monetary restrictions).
- Edible food
Without Greg as our head lunch lady, school lunches are sure to be extra-inedible this coming year. Get ahead of the game by purchasing your own edible food, such as hot Cheetos and Coca-Cola.
This concludes the Daily Gravy’s essential back-to-school shopping list. Failure to purchase any of these items, and the attendant consequences, are now squarely on you.