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Exculsive Interviews

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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As Ms. Erica’s News Finally Starts to Sink in, AISU Holds Its Breath and Takes a Look Ahead

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

BREAKING: AISU OFFICIALLY HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

THE EDITORS FOR THE GRAVY ARE UNABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS POST DUE TO CRYING

Exclusive Interview: Mr. Justis Explains How You Can Change the World

AISU – In a record-breaking long assembly for the high school and middle school last Thursday, American International School of Utah Academics Director Nathan Justis made what some are calling a “ridiculous” claim—that each student can change the world.

After receiving intense criticism for his “unrealistic expectations for naturally incompetent students,” which critics claim will “get the students’ hopes up, only to crush them once they remember they’re really lazy,” Justis agreed to an exclusive interview with the Daily Gravy to clarify his remarks. The key points from that interview are summarized below:

Daily Gravy: “What did you think about the critics saying that your claim was ridiculous and your students are incompetent?”

Mr. Justis: “I think it wasn’t very nice. I mean, even incompetent students can change the world. And our students aren’t incompetent at performing arts.”

DG: “What sort of change are you talking about?”

MJ: “Well, just everyday things can really make a difference. They might not seem like they make a huge difference, but they might really change someone’s world.”

DG: “Do you have any specific examples, so your students know what kinds of everyday things they can do to change the world for someone?”

MJ: “You know, just little things like brushing your teeth and clipping your fingernails can really change somebody’s world. For example, somebody might be having an awful day, and then they see you with your neatly trimmed fingernails and minty fresh teeth and suddenly have a renewed hope in mankind. I mean, that sort of thing happens to me all the time.”

DG: “I see. You say that sort of thing happens to you often. Can you give us a couple specific examples from your personal life?”

MJ: “Yes, of course. One time, during lunch, I was feeling especially hungry. Then this group of students walked past me, carrying paper bags from Five Guys. It was because of that that I realized I wanted to eat at Five Guys. I did, and it was very delicious. I really appreciate those students, because that meal was really good. I thank those students every time I see them and tell them how they changed my world that day.”

DG: “I agree, Five Guys is pretty good. I personally prefer Crown Burger, though.”

MJ: “Yeah, Crown Burger’s good, too. They’re sort of a different venue, though.”

DG: “True.”

MJ: “Yep.”

DG: What are your thoughts on discount movie theaters?”

MJ: “I think they serve a great purpose to the community. While the quality of the theater might not be the best, you also get to see a movie for a fraction of the price, which is, for a lot of people, more than worth it.”

DG: “Who’s your favorite character from Dora the Explorer?”

MJ: “I would have to say the squirrel who only speaks Spanish. I can’t remember his name right now, but he’s always struck me as a fun-loving, independent character, and I really admire his stubborn refusal to learn English, even though it’s clearly the primary language of everyone else in the show.”

DG: “Would you rather be forced to listen to a violin tuning or stab your ears with a mechanical pencil?”

MJ: “Ooh, that one’s tough. They both cause about the same amount of ear damage, right? But on the other hand, you face the danger every day of hearing a violin tuning by just walking through the halls at this school.”

DG: “That’s true. That was a pretty difficult question.”

MJ: “Yeah, it was.”

DG: “Well, thank you for your time”

MJ: “Of course. Thanks for asking me questions and stuff.”

DG: “You’re welcome.”

After the exclusive interview, Mr. Justis said he would release a list of “25 everyday things you can do to change the world today” sometime in the near future, along with a ranking of his favorite Dora the Explorer characters. He also promised to research the squirrel’s name.

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