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The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU's Only Reliable News Source

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Fact Checker

Goodbye, AISU

It’s official: The school will be closing down at the end of the 2018-2019 school year, with the last day of AISU as a company being on or before August 19th. We don’t want to say that we told you so, but our journalistic integrity insists that we must.

We told you so.

The primary reason for the shut down is mismanagement of funds. That ranges anywhere from Special Education funds, to Foreign Exchange Student funds, to Keeping a Theater Teacher for More than Two Years funds, to Transportation funds. The Utah State Board of Education (or USBE, as they’re known to their college friends) gave the school money for these funds, but AISU did not spend the money on the things that they promised. Not only that, but they failed to keep the receipts for the things that they did spend their money on, citing the fact that they “didn’t want their wallet to get too cluttered”.

Another reason is the semi-legal agreements that AISU has with Realms of Inquiry. Granted, The Daily Gravy been distrustful of Realms from the beginning, what with their “official permits for exchange students” and “committed staff and student body” who “pay to be there” and “direct their own learning”. Sounds suspicious, doesn’t it?

Whatever the true cause of the tragic passing of AISU, we here at the Gravy know that at times like this, the bereaved often need to say a few words. We’re here for you. You’re welcome.

One teacher, who asked not to be identified, while devastated that they would be losing their job, commented that, “If the school did stay open another year, it would be like trying to break your dying, deadbeat dad out of prison. While he is super cool and original, he hasn’t taken very good care of you while he was in your life, and the more you try to save him, the less the government will like you. Plus there’s no guarantee he’ll be able to pay us once he gets out before he dies.”

A student who asked not to be identified called out to any juniors or struggling seniors looking to graduate this year, referencing the fact that they have “a surplus of credits” and that he’s willing to sell them for “any memorabilia of Brian Donahue and/or Robert Pyles”.

One AISU alum who asked not to be identified mentioned that they did not care what happened to the school, saying that they “jumped ship a while ago”, and only kept in touch with any AISU representatives to deal Pokemon cards.

Truman Barnes, late night assembly host and former school mascot candidate, who asked not to be identified, said that “I guess you could say this school is dra-GONE, huh? Will you use that pun in your article? Could you use that pun in that article? Make sure you use that pun in your article.” It should be noted that the Gravy correspondent, after conducting this interview, sighed deeply, shook his head and walked away.

Another teacher said, “Quick word to any and all students who are thinking about stealing things from the school: If the school is so bad at fiscal management, how good do you think they’ll be at taking inventory?” The teacher asked to not be identified.

One student, who asked not to be interviewed, was somehow left unawares of the shut down, and said simply that they were “excited to be a part of the entirely legal and well-staffed AISU 6.0”.

An alum who asked not to be I.D.’d when he entered the bar commented on the Farley Fire’s effect on the situation: “Many people used to say we dodged a bullet by firing the Farleys and everyone affiliated with them. The thing is, though, by dodging that bullet, we placed ourselves in front of thousands of other bullets that were also being shot at us. I need to go to the hospital.”

It’s a very scary time to be an AISU student, unless you’re a well-off senior or a high-achieving junior. Even then, the prospects of no AISU to mold any more future citizens is a frightening thought. The only likely way to continue in future years is to be, essentially, absorbed by another, much more financially sound, charter school. But wouldn’t being A.P.A.I.S.U. be a fate truly worse than death? And the only way to continue AISU as we know it is to tweet every hour on the hour to Elon Musk with the hashtag #SaveAISU. Please do your part. Or don’t, I can’t force you. Because of the restraining order.

The Daily Gravy Fact Checker, Vol. 1

The Daily Gravy Fact Checker is a fact checker that checks “facts” that have anything to do with AISU, someone currently or once affiliated with AISU, or something said in the vicinity of AISU and overheard by someone at AISU. These “facts” are checked through a vigorous scientific checking process that you wouldn’t understand. So let’s get on with it:

1. Ex-superduperintendent (and hopefully future superduperintendent) Mike Farley said in his town hall Q&A that the school will still survive and will continue to be a place that fosters creativity, talent, and bad cafeteria food. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a PARTIAL LIE. The Daily Gravy has confirmed on multiple occasions that AISU will likely not survive, especially without Mike Farley, and that it will definitely stop fostering creativity and talent. Professional statistics and stuff show that, without Mike Farley (let alone Kelly Casaday, Steve Farley, and Steve’s clone, Greg), AISU is on the path to becoming very similar to the Smile Away Reformatory School from Phineas and Ferb, except with a better performing arts program, assuming Dr. Sarah doesn’t jump ship. It is true, however, that the cafeteria food will continue to be bad, most likely.

2. Russell Westbrook, the 2017 NBA MVP, claims that he once used an AISU toenail clipper (designed and created by AISU legend Kelly Casaday) to clip his the nails of his Maltese The Brodie. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. First off, why would Russell Westbrook lie about that? Secondly, we’ve seen pictures of The Brodie, and that toenail perfection can only be achieved by the unique clipping capabilities of the exclusive AISU toenail clipper.

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Russell Westbrook and his Maltese, The Brodie. That toenail perfection can only be achieved with the limited-edition AISU toenail clipper.

3. A member of the school board claimed during a recent community meeting that neither she nor the rest of the school board knew that the minutes of the board meetings were not being posted online. She also claimed that she had recently brushed her teeth. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a BLATANT DOUBLE LIE. The Daily Gravy has sent multiple ambassadors to AISU board of directors meetings since December 2016 for the sole purpose of informing them that their minutes had not been posted online, even though this is both customary and required by law. Though the meetings were nearly impossible to attend (thanks to the illegal uncooperativeness of the school board), and the board was not very good at listening to our information, our loyal and intrepid representatives (caring parents of students) are true warriors, so they somehow attended the meetings anyway and got the message to the board multiple times. It is therefore impossible for the board not to have known that the minutes were not being posted. Also, it is common knowledge that the board prioritizes the students’ well-being over basic dental hygiene, and since they have definitely not been focusing on students’ well-being at all over the past several months, there is no possible way they could have even touched their Oral-B Pro 7000 SmartSeries Black Electronic Power Rechargeable Toothbrush with Bluetooth Connectivity Powered by Braun yet.

4. AISU luminary Mike Farley has said that he cares deeply for the students and staff and administration members and wants more than anything to see us succeed. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. In fact, truer words have never been said.

5. Rudy Gobert, the best center in the NBA and an acknowledged Frenchman, hoping to revive the spirits of the AISU community while they witness AISU’s downfall, plans to purchase AISU in the near future and immediately reinstate the Farleys and Kelly. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be CURRENTLY INDISCERNIBLE, BUT HOPEFULLY TRUE. Sometimes, all you have is hope. And at those times, you must cling tenaciously to that hope, slim though it may be. If this does happen, though, it is almost certain that Gobert will rename AISU “the Rudy Gobert School of French, Blocking Shots, and Cryptic Hair Designs” or “RGSFBSCHD” for short. It is also widely believed that the new name will not change how the school operates, except that it is likely to place greater emphasis on not doing stupid things. So far, Gobert has been reticent when asked whether he plans to buy AISU, in some cases denying that he has ever heard of the school. However, the Daily Gravy Fact Checker has confirmed that during a recent, supposedly unrelated press conference, Gobert clearly blinked at exactly the 49.98 second mark and then nodded his head slightly. This subtle but undeniable hint is what the AISU community is currently hitching its hopes to. Yep, that’s the state of things.

This has been the Daily Gravy Fact Checker, Vol. 1. If you or your diabetic gecko have anything pertaining to AISU or not pertaining to AISU that you want checked for facts, email us at askgravy@gmail.com. If you cannot email us because you have PTSD from the urgent alone email thread or the sitting-on-the-floor email thread, you may comment below. Thank you.

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