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As Ms. Erica’s News Finally Starts to Sink in, AISU Holds Its Breath and Takes a Look Ahead

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

BREAKING: AISU OFFICIALLY HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

THE EDITORS FOR THE GRAVY ARE UNABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS POST DUE TO CRYING

AISU May Have Connections with Secret Society, Conspiracy Theorists Say

By Guest Writer James Delliskave, Middle School Historian and Professional Endless Pit of Useless Knowledge

AISU – Extensive research by the AISU Society of Conspiracy Theorists (ASCT) suggests that the school might have connections with “Laudramosia Santacei Dieminium” or LSD, a secret society dedicated to the preservation of useless knowledge and the destruction of important knowledge. Based on this research, which gives no solid evidence that any AISU teachers are members of the society, the ASCT has concluded that every teacher is a member and we should trust no one.

Never daunted by lack of evidence, the ASCT listed the following points in defense of its claims:

School Mascot: AISU’s mascot is a seemingly harmless, red Chinese cut-paper dragon. According to the president of the ASCT (who requested that his real name not be used in this article because “you-know-who might be reading it” and instead asked to be referred to as Captain Reality), the red dragon mascot clearly implicates AISU’s LSD connections. “Red is the color of the clothing worn in the LSD’s secret ceremonies,” Captain Reality explained. “It is also an ancient Chinese symbol of good luck. And the dragon represents drug use (think “Puff the Magic Dragon”), a clear connection to LSD, which of course is also the name of a drug.” The LSD was supposedly founded in China in AD 295 as the Society of Great Learners. It was later brought to Rome, where it came to be known as the Chocolate-Chip Champions and eventually renamed to the more serious-sounding Laudramosia Santacei Dieminium. In the palace of Tep-Shaing-Lai in Beijing, where the LSD was founded, there is a floor mosaic that bears vague resemblance to the AISU dragon logo, though others claim it looks more like a giant chocolate-chip cookie.

School Architecture: According to the ASCT, several architectural elements of AISU’s facilities are similar to those found in the “Great House of Knowledge,” the LSD’s current headquarters. The Great House of Knowledge, for example, reportedly has mirrors and huge glass windows, similar to those found in AISU’s atrium. In addition, the way the seats are organized in AISU is remarkably similar to the setup in the “meditation room,” where people meditate and where most company parties are held. Other similarities include the use of tile in the bathrooms, carpeted stairways, and fluorescent lighting, all of which are known features of the Great House of Knowledge. “Clearly,” Captain Reality says, “whoever designed AISU’s facilities had LSD headquarters in mind.”

References to Members: There are multiple references to artistic members of the LSD within the AISU building. The most obvious references are the “da Vinci” and “Frida” studios. They are named after artists Edwardo da Vinci and Mikhal Frida, both of whom were suspected members of the LSD. The entrance to the High School features a quote by Barn Johan Freaking Wolfgang von Goethe, who, as everyone knows, was also a member of the LSD. And many of the songs in the performing arts department’s concert set were composed by members of the LSD, including Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Leonard “Feel the Bernstein” Bernstein, Claudio “Da Bomb” Monteverdi, and the Baby Einsteins.

Tests: SAGE testing was founded by the LSD for the purpose of destroying all happiness forever. Captain Reality explains that this is why so many teachers are in favor of SAGE testing, “because they are obviously members of the LSD. There is no other logical explanation why someone would like SAGE tests.” The LSD has a department called the “Society of Jesters,” who claims responsibility for SAGE testing, April Fool’s Day, and Groundhog Day, although the ASCT believes Groundhog Day to be the brainchild of the devil. The Society of Jesters reportedly also presented to the national school board the idea of eternal sadness for everyone, and of course, the school board loved it.

3.0: The changes AISU has announced for the school’s third year are eerily similar to practices of LSD, and ASCT says that AISU 3.0 is the school’s first step in “operating exactly as LSD operates so that AISU can one day become an official chapter of the LSD.” The ASCT has also said that AISU’s 3.0 Launch Party was “practically a confession, and an LSD welcoming party.” For example, LSD has held meetings on an A/B schedule since 1866, they consider a “work day” do last from 8:30 am to 3:30 pm, their meetings have always been approximately 80 minutes long, they have never believed in effective programs and refuse to do anything that makes sense, they hate consistency, and their buildings have never had water fountains, to name a few. The ASCT says that “if AISU actually wanted to make their education system better, they would have had a Monday/Wednesday/Friday and Tuesday/Thursday schedule, kept the school day the same length, made classes shorter as opposed to longer, and given out free French fries in between classes. Nobody would make such ridiculous and inefficient changes unless they had ulterior motives.”

The ASCT hopes their investigative exposé will open students’ eyes to the secret symbols controlling their education. The ASCT will be holding classes to educate students about these harmful organizations, how to fight them, and how to make a mean chicken noodle soup from scratch on A days from 8:30 – 9:50 in the atrium.

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

AISU Vows to “Eradicate” Rubik’s Cubes

Murray, UT—Responding to what they call a “school-wide plague” and“epidemic,” administrators at AISU released a statement condemning the growing use of Rubik’s Cubes in the school. The popularity of these small, multicolored puzzles has steadily increased since mid-2014, until now there are unverified reports of middle schoolers setting up shrines to Rubik’s Cubes and worshipping them.

 

“This will not be taken lightly,” said Mrs. Powell, a co-author of the statement. “I actually used to like Rubik’s Cubes, until the demand for them went up and up and up, and now the better ones cost $30! I’ve seen stands in the school selling Rubik’s Cubes for $15 apiece. This is unbelievable. First of all, you can buy them online for $12.50. And second of all, they are giving no money back to the school, whose space they use to sell the devilish cubes.” Mrs. Powell has also drafted a petition to outlaw the sale and possession of Rubik’s Cubes, though critics of her plan claim that this would only strengthen the black-market demand and lead to smuggling and dangerous, unregulated cube-trafficking.

 

Perhaps the statement’s strongest language condemning Rubik’s Cubes is the accusation that they discriminate against color blind people. “They can never tell when they’ve finished it,” the document astutely observes. “They may think they have, but as it turns out, they had been seeing the reds as greens and yellows as purples the whole time. Come to think of it, that actually wouldn’t cause a problem, because it would still be finished, but in the wrong order. Or maybe that’s not how colorblindness works. Does it just look like one big gray mess? We’re not actually sure. You know what, just pretend that this paragraph never happened.”

 

The statement goes on to quote Ernő Rubik, creator of the Rubik’s Cube, who claims that his creation actually destroys brain cells. “People who use them waste so much time figuring out the algorithms and the fastest way to spin them,” he says, “and the brain puts so much effort into memorizing all those things, that before long you can’t remember such things as birthdays, people’s names, reasons why you walk into a room, things you’ve already listed in a list, and birthdays.”

 

Reactions to the statement have been mixed, with many students buying more Rubik’s Cubes out of spite. Some students, on the other hand, are complying with the school’s request out of a sense of pity. “I don’t have much against Rubik’s Cubes,” one student said, “but the administration has reduced themselves to begging, and it’s actually kind of embarrassing. So I’m selling my cubes and using the money to buy violent video games. That’s probably much better for my long-term growth and development anyway.”

 

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