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The Daily Gravy

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Choir

10 Reasons to Join Choir at AISU

1. Performing arts is a rite of passage at AISU.

At AISU, if you don’t participate in performing arts in some way, everyone secretly hates you. It’s true. So you might as well join choir, one of the least exclusive performing arts programs at the school!

2. No one will hear you mess up.

“But I can’t sing,” you say? Don’t worry. It’s a little-known fact that at any given time, 50% of a choir is singing the imperial march because they’ve forgotten their music. But have you noticed this at concerts or performances? Of course not, because everyone else was singing right, so nobody noticed. So unless you have a solo, the choir will sound good even if (even though) you don’t!

3. At any given time, you are surrounded by 50 students whom you can blame if something goes wrong.

If by any chance your mistakes do become audible, just glare a gesture conspicuously at the person next to you, and everyone will think he or she did it!

4. You can always lip-sync.

If you’re still afraid of messing up, just don’t sing! This is a very common choir strategy. In fact, the AISU chamber choir has lip-synced entire concerts before!

5. It’s the performing art that requires the least physical participation.

Dance is physically exhausting, as are theater and orchestra (unless you play the piccolo, then you don’t have to do anything) (please). In choir, all you have to do is move your mouth and sometimes let sounds out!

6. You’ll learn to love most of the songs you sing.

So next time your grandmother turns on her classical music, you can not completely hate it!

7. You’ll learn a lot of cool music you didn’t know before.

So not only will you not hate Grandma’s classical music, you can sing along!

8. Free T-shirt.

‘Nuff said.

9. When you do well, it makes the girls (and some guys) go crazy.

Whatever you’re into.

10.  It’s a great thing to put on your portfolio and college applications.

When colleges or potential employers see those magical words, “lip-synced in an award-winning choir at a small charter school,” they literally start to drool. Some of them will ask you to marry one of their children. But don’t accept this offer right away. If you play hard-to-get just a little, they will eventually ask you to marry ALL of their children—then you can have your pick.

Shake It Up TV Series

Shake It Up: AISU at the 2016 Shakespeare Festival is a documentary series following AISU students at the 2016 Utah Shakespeare Festival in Southern Utah this Thursday through Saturday. Shake It Up will be the Daily Gravy’s first series. It will air on the Daily Gravy Television Network Youtube page Tuesday, October 25, as part of a Daily Gravy-sponsored screening party after school.

BREAKING: Pleasant Grove Madrigals to Perform Same Piece as AISU Madrigals for Shakespeare Competition

AISU–According to information leaked to the Gravy, Pleasant Grove High School’s main performance piece for the upcoming Utah Shakespeare Festival will be “Il Est Bel Et Bon,” a piece familiar to the AISU Madrigals, because it’s also the finale piece AISU is planning to perform at the same festival.

 

Experts are calling it “a classic case of the if-you-can’t-beat-them-imitate-them strategy,” as Pleasant Grove was a perennial winner at the Shakespeare Madrigals Competition until last year, when newcomer AISU took first place.

 

Renaissance fans expected AISU to win the Madrigals Competition once again this year due to the difficulty level of “Il Est Bel Et Bon,” but now that it has become public knowledge that Pleasant Grove will also perform this piece, fans are concerned that AISU may actually have to put serious effort into the piece.

 

The news has also created a sense of urgency among AISU Madrigals, though they remain confident in their patented “get all the sucking out in rehearsal” technique. “This technique is exactly what earned us first place last year, and we’ve been following it to the letter up to this point,” AISU tenor Aathaven Tharmarajah said. “There’s no way anyone has gotten more sucking out than we have.”

 

“We even held a Saturday rehearsal last week,” an anonymous AISU alto added. “I wasn’t there, but I’m sure whoever attended got a whole lot of sucking out.”

 

Some members are less confident, however. “I’m not sure we’ve gotten enough sucking out during rehearsals to be the best we can be,” said AISU baritone Jarron Carlson. “I mean, we’ve definitely sucked a lot, but I feel like there’s so much more sucking we still need to get out. I just think we should all take it to the next level by singing poorly at home, during our free time, if that’s what it takes to be the best.”

 

In an attempt to increase their level of rehearsal sucking, AISU Madrigals have been holding lunchtime rehearsals since the school year started. The strategy appears to be to force singers into an involuntary fast, which experts say not only increases the spirituality of the choir but also allows the singers to rehearse on empty stomachs, thus enabling them to suck even more.

 

For their part, Pleasant Grove officials have not yet leaked any further information about the competition, and repeated attempts by the Gravy to trick them into divulging something have been unsuccessful. AISU’s Madrigals have said that whatever happens, they will stick to the original plan of performing “Il Est Bel Et Bon” and “freaking winning.” They will also be getting extra sucking out over the weekend individually and are planning on having all of the sucking out by the Shakespeare Festival Competition on October 6–8. The AISU Madrigals will also visit the State Capitol building to showcase their pieces Monday, October 3.

Symphonic Chorale Seating Chart “a Gaping Hole in AISU’s Nondiscrimination Reputation,” Critics Claim

AISU—On Thursday, September 15, the American International School of Utah’s Symphonic Chorale sent out an email to members containing the first rotating seating chart of the 2016-17 school year. This seating chart has since been leaked to the public and “torn apart” by critics, who say the seating chart is “extremely discriminatory” and “undeniably segregatory.” Perhaps most shocking is the critics’ assertion that the seating chart reveals a “gaping hole in AISU’s Nondiscrimination Reputation,” primarily because most students were unaware the school had such a reputation.

Critics of the seating chart are calling it “the most segregatory spreadsheet since the United States were separated in the Civil War through an Excel document” citing how the seating chart separates students by gender, what part they sing, first letter in their first name, and household income. “This is despicable,” one critic said. “It is by far the most discriminatory image to be on a screen since D.W. Griffith’s The Birth of a Nation in 1915 or Woody Harrelson’s White Men Can’t Jump in 1992.”

“I feel like I’m literally being told where to sit based on things I have no control over, like my age, gender, or vocal range,” said an anonymous student. “I feel like I have no choice in the matter and I really can’t handle that. I have to get exactly what I want whenever I want it, all the time. It’s just not fair when I don’t.”

To further the discrimination, the spreadsheet displays some students’ names in bold and some in italics, indicating those students are “more musically gifted” and therefore placed in advanced classes. “I feel extremely discriminated against when I see the names of these other students getting special treatment when all they do is work harder than I do,” another anonymous student said. “And I can’t figure out any logical reason to bold Chamber Choir members in a Symphonic Chorale spreadsheet, not to mention why some of them are bolded and some are italicized, and I refuse to ask anyone who might know the answer.”

“I have to get exactly what I want whenever I want it, all the time. It’s just not fair when I don’t.”

Symphonic Chorale representatives defend the seating chart, explaining that arranging choir members by gender and voice is a common practice, but once the word “discrimination” has been used and comparisons have been made to a D.W. Griffith movie, there’s really nothing anyone can do. Offended students are now threatening to boycott Chorale performances and kneel whenever they hear the Chorale sing. School officials have not responded to invitations to comment, and we are beginning to think they have blocked emails from us after we decided to send them free grammar and spelling tips after each of their mass emails. The school has, however begun to use the term “Nondiscrimination Reputation” in marketing and public relations campaigns, mainly because it’s “fun to say.”

Judges Award AISU’s Choir and Orchestra Highest Rating, Pleads with Them to Not Perform

Park City, UT – Just days before the Regional Large Ensemble Festival, judges have already announced that the American International School of Utah will receive the highest possible score, an announcement which comes as a surprise to no one, considering AISU has won 1st place in all of their performing arts competitions this school year. In light of this decision, the judges have also asked the AISU Symphonic Chorale and Orchestra to not perform at the regional festival, and to “just practice really hard until state.”

“At this point,” one judge explained, “actually hearing them perform would be little more than a formality and, frankly, a waste of time. Better to use that time for practice, because rumor has it that their rehearsals have sounded awful lately.”

AISU’s performing arts director seemed indifferent when told about the announcement, saying, “That’s our established, tried-and-true pattern: day after day of simply devastating and disastrous rehearsals, after which we miraculously pull it together at the last minute and walk away with the highest score. It’s the model we’ve followed for two years now; the judges’ early decision is a simple acknowledgement of reality.”

However, despite the judges’ pleadings, the school’s choir and orchestra directors have said that they would like to perform in the festival anyway. “Of course we knew we’d receive the highest score,” both directors said simultaneously, in two-part harmony. “But part of the fun of the festival is hearing the contrast between rehearsals, where we sound like we’re throwing bags of trumpet-playing cats against the wall, and the performance, where we somehow sound amazing and trash all the other schools.”

Apparently, other high schools were also expecting AISU to receive the highest score. “Of course we tell our students that we think they have a chance,” one rival director said. “But we know deep down—and I’m sure they suspect as well—that we’re all just fighting for second place. So we welcome the judges’ decision; it allows us to focus on our real goal, without having to pretend that we expect to win.” Some schools, however, said they were planning to imitate AISU’s technique, which experts are now calling the “get all the sucking out in rehearsals” approach. “I think we could have won this year,” one director lamented, “because as off-key and off-tempo as AISU sounds in their rehearsals, we sound even worse!” Lawyers for AISU say that a patent for the “get all the sucking out in rehearsals” technique is pending, and in the future other ensembles will not be able to copy it without paying huge royalty fees and crediting AISU at the end of each performance.

The judges have yet to award AISU with the highest score possible in the state festival for either small ensemble or large ensemble, but experts expect both of those announcements to be released very soon. For details on scores, spoilers, choir competitions, and deadly, man-eating, hairy spiders, the public is invited to visit UHSAA.org and fall in the deep hole of despair that is the navigation of that site. Studies show that it’s really hard to navigate. Festival organizers say they have deployed emergency response personnel and multiple search-and-rescue teams to be on hand in case anyone tries to visit the website. However, public health officials warn that anyone planning to navigate the site should first see that their life insurance premiums have been fully paid. They also remind the public that AISU always wins these competitions and receives the highest possible score, so visiting the site may not actually be necessary. As one official said, “We strongly encourage judges to continue the pattern of awarding AISU the highest score in advance, so that people don’t need to look up the scores on the website. Their decision has literally saved countless lives.”

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