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As Ms. Erica’s News Finally Starts to Sink in, AISU Holds Its Breath and Takes a Look Ahead

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

Beatles’ “Yesterday” Also Written About Ms. Erica

STILL CRYING, CAN’T WRITE CONTENT; HERE IS LYRICS:

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly I’m not half the man I used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

beatles_indianapolis

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [she did say, actually]
I did something wrong [actually she says I didn’t do anything wrong, but she was offered a job that she isn’t super overqualified for, as well as full ride to ASU, but still], now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [except she did say]
I did something wrong [actually she said we did great, but she got a great opportunity and it’s good for her, it’s just sad], now I long for yesterday.

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Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

Bill Withers Reveals “Ain’t No Sunshine” Was Written About Erica Glenn

DUE TO CRYING, THE DAILY GRAVY EDITORS ARE NOT ABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS ARTICLE. THE REST OF THIS POST WILL CONSIST SOLELY OF BILL WITHERS’ “AIN’T NO SUNSHINE” LYRICS:

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
It’s not warm when she’s away.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And she’s always gone too long
Anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she’s gone
Wonder if she’s gone to stay
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know,
Hey, I oughtta leave young thing alone
But ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

0

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
Only darkness every day.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.

BREAKING: AISU OFFICIALLY HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

THE EDITORS FOR THE GRAVY ARE UNABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS POST DUE TO CRYING

Shake It Up TV Series

Shake It Up: AISU at the 2016 Shakespeare Festival is a documentary series following AISU students at the 2016 Utah Shakespeare Festival in Southern Utah this Thursday through Saturday. Shake It Up will be the Daily Gravy’s first series. It will air on the Daily Gravy Television Network Youtube page Tuesday, October 25, as part of a Daily Gravy-sponsored screening party after school.

Lack of Sound and Lighting Problems in School Production Shock Audience, Technicians

Note: Any reports about AISU’s Guys and Dolls production is only taken from what happened at the Friday night performance, as the Gravy Editors were not available Thursday night, due to the show being scheduled the same time as our TV shows The Blacklist and Rush Hour, both of which are very good.

 

AISU – Many people have been saying that they thoroughly enjoyed AISU’s production of Guys and Dolls Friday, but several left the performance disappointed and even bewildered. The biggest and most often-mentioned disappointment was the surprising lack of microphone and lighting problems.

Sound and lighting screw-ups have become a normal and expected part of high school and middle school stage productions across the country, and their absence at Guys and Dolls was a surprise and somewhat of a letdown for many. Some people who were at the performance Friday say they went straight to the doctor’s afterwards to have their eyes and ears checked because they didn’t see or hear any lighting or sound problems. Others reportedly demanded their money back after the show. “I go to high school musicals to hear loud microphone feedback and to see spotlights shining in the wrong places,” said one angry patron. “This sorry excuse for a high school production had none of that.”

The lack of sound and lighting problems came as a surprise to more than just the audience, however, as the technicians who ran the lights and sound Friday were also very shocked at the lack of inadequacy they performed. Some technicians say that after noticing how not terrible they were doing, they tried very hard to screw up, but “just couldn’t.” Other technicians say that they actually did screw up, but just in places that weren’t as noticeable, like when people weren’t talking, or during intermission. All in all the technicians were ashamed of their well-done performance, and promise to do better at being worse next time, if ever given the chance “after this embarrassment.”

Sources say that although the sound and lighting problems were absent from Friday’s performance, the omitted problems were made up for on Thursday night, when the microphones and lights allegedly “gave up” during half of the show, as expected. Many people say that this is no excuse for performing well on Friday, however, as the audience who attended Friday’s show had just as much a right as Thursday’s audience to witness the performance being botched by the microphones and lights technicians.

Following Friday’s performance, the school released an official statement admitting their mistake in having no mistakes, and promising that the sound and lighting will never not screw up ever again, and that they will make the necessary employment changes to ensure that the sounds and lighting are never operated adequately in the future. This statement has been received well by the school population, and people are glad to hear that the school is taking responsibility in the devastatingly well-done light and microphone job, and hope that they will never see a school production with working lights again.

School Play Goes Awry After LDS Students Refuse to Attend Sunday Rehearsal; Director Saves Day

By guest writer Mrs. Potato Head

AISU – Panic spread last week when several students in AISU’s school musical “Fellas and Girls” refused to show up at an emergency Sunday Rehearsal. The extra practice was scheduled despite protests from the cast’s several LDS students, who, though visibly exhausted, were seen picketing outside the PAC holding large signs that read “I sold my soul for theatre,” “I can’t, I have rehearsal,” and “President Uchtdorf says ‘Stop it!’” When asked to comment about the protest, an anonymous student could only mumble “Every Day … Every Day …” repeatedly, staring blankly into the distance.

Reporters were unable to enter the building, but an anonymous source, using “pounds of chocolate and caffeine” to bribe the directors, was able to get a “peek of the action on the stage.”

There, the directors reportedly were participating in a ritual to “summon the spirit of Macbeth.” Theater experts say this is nothing to be disturbed about: “It’s not uncommon, a few weeks before the show, for directors to bathe in the blood of their techies and perform the ‘cleansing ceremony’ before the great Shakespeare. It’s a wonderful way for a cast to bond.” However, Macbeth’s ghost did not respond to the summons and was not available for comment. After the failed ceremony, directors were seen lying motionless on the stage, twitching occasionally.

At this moment of desperation, witnesses say Mindy “the Mighty” jumped up with a crazy look in her eye, vowing to “salvage the remnants.” She began to run across the stage, playing every part, some of them simultaneously. Musical director behaviorists say they observe such behavior often: “When a director has come under intense stress, he or she is likely to develop psychosomatic symptoms such as hallucination, meltdowns, multiple personality disorder, a cold, ‘karaoke fever,’ and rocking back and forth listening to Michael Buble.” Sure enough, sources say that soon after Mindy had sung through every love duet, she collapsed to the floor in the fetal position as Michael Buble played through the speakers.

The good news is, our sources report, that Mindy “the Musical Magician” single-handedly completed the rehearsal without making a single mistake, not counting those made by the technicians operating the microphones and lighting. In fact, it was by far the cast’s best rehearsal, and it happened to be the one in which students refused to participate, leading to speculation that this might have been Mindy’s plan all along.

“Mindy Young has been known to put on a fantastic show despite performers for many years,” said one expert. “She has always been great at determining exactly what needs to be added or removed from a musical to make it successful, and this time, the students may have been what needed removing.”

There is still no word on whether the protesting students will be allowed back onstage, but another Shakespearean summoning ritual is scheduled for next week, and most experts agree that between Mindy’s multiple personalities, whatever dead Shakespeare characters can be rounded up, and a cast with a day of rest, this year’s school play should be, at the very least, “kinda okay.”
This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

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