Search

The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU aka The Pertussis School's Only Reliable News Source

Category

Politics

An Open Letter From the Students of AISU to Our Beloved Super-Duper-Intendent Mike Farley

OK CAN GOOD IMPORTANT CRUCIAL PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES AND AISU PLEASE STOP LEAVING ALREADY?!?!? Mr. Farley, you deserve your position. Everyone knows this. AISU is your school. Everything good we have accomplished is a direct result of your work and your mind. We hope everything gets worked out very soon and you can return, despite the situation being as it is right now. AISU owes you everything, from the beautiful building (we don’t blame you for the questionable carpeting choice), to the idealistic mindset of the school as a whole, to the hiring and organizing of the great administration and staff we have today. AISU is a direct result of your intelligence, your determination, your problem-solving skills, your creativity, your idealism, your selflessness, and your charity towards us. We know that you and your family have been more than open about all business dealings and that you would never do anything that you find immoral. We also know that AISU would be nothing without you, and that without you as a guiding force, we cannot continue to make the dream you had for us a reality.

Not to mention, with everyone who’s leaving, we seriously have nothing going for us as a school besides the largest outbreaks of whooping cough recently. We’re going to have to remarket ourselves as “The American International School of Pertussis” or something. Nobody wants that. “AISP” doesn’t sound good at all. It’s totally lame.

If what we hear turns out to be correct, and you have been permanently removed from your position, we will never stop relating you to Steve Jobs when he got fired from dumb Apple, so then he went made Pixar and stuff, and then Apple realized how freaking stupid they were, and hired him back. We hope it takes dumb AISU much less time to figure it out, though. We would also like to remind you that if you have spare time, guest articles for the Gravy will always be accepted (wink wink). (Also, please get back in there and stop them from doing early release Fridays. That’s just a really dumb thing.) (Oh, and get Steve back in here, please. Everybody misses him and he is very needed. And get rid of whoever’s got a problem with you guys. We’ll help. We can, like, call them names and stuff.)

As Ms. Erica’s News Finally Starts to Sink in, AISU Holds Its Breath and Takes a Look Ahead

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

Beatles’ “Yesterday” Also Written About Ms. Erica

STILL CRYING, CAN’T WRITE CONTENT; HERE IS LYRICS:

Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly I’m not half the man I used to be.
There’s a shadow hanging over me.
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

beatles_indianapolis

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [she did say, actually]
I did something wrong [actually she says I didn’t do anything wrong, but she was offered a job that she isn’t super overqualified for, as well as full ride to ASU, but still], now I long for yesterday.

Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Why she had to go, I don’t know, she didn’t say. [except she did say]
I did something wrong [actually she said we did great, but she got a great opportunity and it’s good for her, it’s just sad], now I long for yesterday.

tumblr_inline_n1obgcg9mL1svg9ln

Yesterday life was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

Bill Withers Reveals “Ain’t No Sunshine” Was Written About Erica Glenn

DUE TO CRYING, THE DAILY GRAVY EDITORS ARE NOT ABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS ARTICLE. THE REST OF THIS POST WILL CONSIST SOLELY OF BILL WITHERS’ “AIN’T NO SUNSHINE” LYRICS:

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
It’s not warm when she’s away.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And she’s always gone too long
Anytime she goes away.

Wonder this time where she’s gone
Wonder if she’s gone to stay
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away.

And I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know,
Hey, I oughtta leave young thing alone
But ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone

0

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
Only darkness every day.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone
And this house just ain’t no home
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.
Anytime she goes away.

BREAKING: AISU OFFICIALLY HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

THE EDITORS FOR THE GRAVY ARE UNABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS POST DUE TO CRYING

Exclusive: I Totally Love Everything You Love

By Guest Writer Hillary Clinton

 

Good morning, AISU students and staff! Good to talk to you, my fam! Like I always say, you’re tied for the best with everyone else. I heard that some Jerry Gonson or something wrote an exclusive article for your newspaper, so I thought it’d make a good impression if a real presidential candidate wrote an exclusive article for this paper, too!

 

I’d just like to start by saying you guys are my favorite current students and staff members of the American International School of Utah, especially those of you who are eligible to vote in this country! I think everything about you is super great! Some of you may have heard about the outrageous, unconfirmed reports of hacked emails between myself and my campaign manager in which I was misquoted as saying something like “AISU students are super great, unless they support Donald Trump, then they’re blabbering idiots whose mouths should be cleaned out with a toilet brush.” Now, first I want to say that if this email can be proven to be mine—and I’m not saying it can—then it is being taken entirely out of context. Also, if by chance it can be proven that it is not taken out of context I admit that it was wrong to say those things in that particular way. Not that such a statement is completely incorrect, but it isn’t very nice, and I admit I was unintentionally, harmlessly wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, after all, especially Trump supporters.

 

Now, back to establishing our common interests: I love your school’s performing arts program. I think the achievements you’ve accomplished have been well earned. I also love, as I understand you do, your beautiful warm-ups and vocal exercises. My personal favorite would have to be the one that goes, “Why shouldn’t my goose grow as fast as thy goose, when I payed for my goose twice as much as thine?” I especially like this because it touches on the subject of economic inequalities, a topic I have been specifically focused on since it got Bernie Sanders so many supporters.

 

As far as curricula go, your school has had many over the past three years of the school’s existence. I don’t think any one curriculum is necessarily better than another; they just speak to people at different levels. I think 3.0 was good, if you think it was good, but if you think it sucked, then I also firmly believe it sucked. I think that there are good things and bad things about your many curricula, and my opinion on which is better or what the school should do next differs depending on who I’m talking to. Let’s just say the answer is “I agree with your opinion and, as a matter of fact, I was thinking that same thing too.”

 

Robotics are super cool, unless you think they’re nerdy, then that’s clearly what they are. I think sports are overrated, except in cases when they are good. The cafeteria food is gross and unhealthy, unless you decide it’s better than nothing, in which case you’re right. Mike Stumph is a cool cat, but if you think he isn’t, then neither do I. AISU is a very good school, except for the parts you as an individual don’t like about it. Those parts are the worst.

 

So as you can see, you and I have many things in common. Pretty much everything, for that matter. We clearly agree on all the issues, even the things that aren’t really issues, but just little things in your personal life. So what other reason could there possibly be to run to the ballots and vote for me? Oh, that’s right, I’m not Donald Trump.

Symphonic Chorale Seating Chart “a Gaping Hole in AISU’s Nondiscrimination Reputation,” Critics Claim

AISU—On Thursday, September 15, the American International School of Utah’s Symphonic Chorale sent out an email to members containing the first rotating seating chart of the 2016-17 school year. This seating chart has since been leaked to the public and “torn apart” by critics, who say the seating chart is “extremely discriminatory” and “undeniably segregatory.” Perhaps most shocking is the critics’ assertion that the seating chart reveals a “gaping hole in AISU’s Nondiscrimination Reputation,” primarily because most students were unaware the school had such a reputation.

Critics of the seating chart are calling it “the most segregatory spreadsheet since the United States were separated in the Civil War through an Excel document” citing how the seating chart separates students by gender, what part they sing, first letter in their first name, and household income. “This is despicable,” one critic said. “It is by far the most discriminatory image to be on a screen since D.W. Griffith’s The Birth of a Nation in 1915 or Woody Harrelson’s White Men Can’t Jump in 1992.”

“I feel like I’m literally being told where to sit based on things I have no control over, like my age, gender, or vocal range,” said an anonymous student. “I feel like I have no choice in the matter and I really can’t handle that. I have to get exactly what I want whenever I want it, all the time. It’s just not fair when I don’t.”

To further the discrimination, the spreadsheet displays some students’ names in bold and some in italics, indicating those students are “more musically gifted” and therefore placed in advanced classes. “I feel extremely discriminated against when I see the names of these other students getting special treatment when all they do is work harder than I do,” another anonymous student said. “And I can’t figure out any logical reason to bold Chamber Choir members in a Symphonic Chorale spreadsheet, not to mention why some of them are bolded and some are italicized, and I refuse to ask anyone who might know the answer.”

“I have to get exactly what I want whenever I want it, all the time. It’s just not fair when I don’t.”

Symphonic Chorale representatives defend the seating chart, explaining that arranging choir members by gender and voice is a common practice, but once the word “discrimination” has been used and comparisons have been made to a D.W. Griffith movie, there’s really nothing anyone can do. Offended students are now threatening to boycott Chorale performances and kneel whenever they hear the Chorale sing. School officials have not responded to invitations to comment, and we are beginning to think they have blocked emails from us after we decided to send them free grammar and spelling tips after each of their mass emails. The school has, however begun to use the term “Nondiscrimination Reputation” in marketing and public relations campaigns, mainly because it’s “fun to say.”

Exclusive: Clearing Things Up

By Guest Writer Gary Johnson

 

Students and staff members of AISU: I am Governor Gary Johnson and your future president. Last week, the media tricked me into saying that I like to smoke pot and that your school’s curriculum is the reason America is broken. It has been brought to my attention that these comments might result in people at your school not voting for me. After considering the options available to me, such as ignoring this problem or blaming it on the weather or media bias, I have decided to expand a little on what I said.

 

Your school has a great performing arts program. I think every school in America should model their performing arts programs after yours. I think your school is also located in a very nice building. If every high school had a building like yours, that would be super awesome. I think that chocolate chip cookies are nice, especially when the chocolate chips are fresh out of the oven and ooey-gooey. If every chocolate chip cookie had ooey-gooey chocolate chips, there would be no wars. I think that the “this side down” graphic on microwavable popcorn bags is very helpful, and it should be a model for other microwavable things. That would make the world less confusing.

 

I think the drive-thru line at Chick-fil-a should be standard for other drive-thru lines. For that matter, I think everything at Chick-fil-a should be standard for other restaurants. If every restaurant was like Chick-fil-a (except they still served beef), there would be no crime. I think that it’s good that grass is green. When the grass isn’t green that’s not so good. Something’s wrong when the grass isn’t green. I think that Syrian cities should have names that are easier to remember. If Syrian cities’ names were easier to remember, that would be less embarrassing for everyone. I think $1.49 for 10pc chicken nuggets at Burger King is a great deal. If every restaurant in America had less expensive chicken nuggets like Burger King, we would have perfect equality nationwide. I think a $5 large pizza at Little Caesar’s is amazing. I think that if all pizza places followed Little Caesar’s example and had reasonably priced pizzas, a lot of people would eat more pizzas, which would be very beneficial to all of us. I think that Peyton Manning commercials are great just because Peyton Manning is in them. If Peyton Manning were in all commercials, there would be no hate.

 

And finally, I think food is really great. Also, I’d like each of you who are voting age to keep in mind that if everyone who’s worried about “wasting” their vote by voting for me would vote for me, I’d win. And remember the alternatives to voting for me. Ew. I’ll be on all 50 state ballots, people! #FeelTheJohnson

Mike Stumph Admits to Stealing Cookies from Cookie Jar

AISU – On Thursday, September 1, the American International School of Utah Athletics Director Mike Stumph “finally” confessed to stealing cookies from the cookie jar when he was a young child.

After more than 30 years of avoiding the subject with vague terms such as “Who, me? Couldn’t be.” and evasively shifting blame onto peers and coworkers, Stumph decided it was time to “come into the light” and admit his crime.

“After denying something like that for so long, it really devours you, just as I devoured that cookie many years ago.”

“It is with great regret that I inform you that I haven’t been a completely honest and trustworthy man for my entire life,” said a visibly shaken Stumph at an emergency press conference he held in the men’s bathroom. “I’ve made mistakes, some bigger than others, and it’s time I told you all the truth. … I stole the cookies from the cookie jar.”

The confession provoked tears and jeers from students, many of whom said it would “definitely” create trust issues in the future . The happiest person leaving the bathroom that day was the middle school student who found a silver dollar in the urinal. But the second happiest person leaving the bathroom that day was Stumph, who says he felt like a “cookie-sized yet incredibly heavy” burden had been lifted after confessing.

“It wasn’t easy,” Stumph said of coming clean. “After denying something like that for so long, it really devours you, just as I devoured that cookie many years ago.

“The guilt had been eating at my soul, as if it were a delicious cookie,” Stumph continued, “and to finally admit it feels like a weight has been taken from my shoulders, just as the cookie was taken from the cookie jar.”

Since the announcement, students appear to have completely lost respect for Stumph, calling him a “cookie monster” and either ignoring him or talking back to him even more than usual when he asks them where they’re supposed to be or tells them to get back to class.

The school’s administration has not yet officially commented. However, a reliable source says she heard from a reliable source that a reliable source told her that a reliable source said that the school is planning to discipline Stumph harshly, either by sending him to time-out, revoking his Chromebook privileges, taking away his pin, or another form of torture. Stumph has said he will conform to any discipline the school gives him, saying he understands he has done a very bad thing, but that he really hopes they don’t take away his pin.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑