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The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU's Only Reliable News Source

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Sports

AISU Fight Song: Brand New School

Sung to the tune of “Grand Old Flag”

 

We’re a brand new school,

We are AISU.

We sing songs and we play instruments.

We don’t really know

How our sports teams do,

But in Arts we Perform winningness.

Ev’ry heart beats true

‘Neath the Red, White, and Blue.

We do everything better than you.

Though graduating be o’erlooked

Stand and shout for AISU!

 

We’re the best darn school,

We are AISU.

We sing songs and we play instruments.

Kate Youman says,

“We have STEM here too.”

But on that point we fake ignorance.

Ev’ry heart beats true

‘Neath the Red, White, and Blue,

Where there’s ne’er any work that you do.

Though A and B days get mixed up,

Stand and shout for AISU!

 

Include misc. cheers and chants (e.g. Ra-Ra-Sish-Boom-Ba and/or Gooooo Dragons!) with drum rolls at appropriate times.

Mike Stumph Reaches Out to Jacksonville Jaguars, Offers to Play “All Positions”

Jacksonville, FL – As many NFL fans know, the Super Bowl 50 Champion Denver Broncos are looking to fill the large void left by retiring QB legend and G.O.A.T. Peyton Manning and spoiled brat and giant man Brock Whatshisface. What many fans do not know is that the Jacksonville Jaguars have been looking to fill voids in all positions—on offense and defense—for many years now, to absolutely no avail.

Fortunately for the Jaguars, help has arrived, and in a very tall way. Just days before the NFL draft, Mike Stumph, the American International School of Utah’s hall monitor and athletic director, who is at least 6’5”, has reportedly offered to play “all positions” for Jacksonville, effective immediately.

According to Mike’s agent, Ekim Hpmuts, Mike is “overly qualified” to play every position on the Jaguars’ roster, due to the fact that he has never lost an NFL game, he is moderately tall, he has a coffee maker in his office, he has successfully sent at least 6 students back to class in the past year, and he hasn’t had a serious injury in 8 years.

Sources say the Jaguars are leaning toward using each of their picks in the upcoming draft to select Stumph, saying that he is “currently our best option,” especially since he is, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, “the only person in the history of football to ever want to play for the Jaguars.”

Mike Stumph has also reached out to the Raiders, but they were reportedly too busy celebrating last season’s 7-9 record and didn’t hear the phone ring. NFL analysts predict that if Stumph were to join either team, the fan base would increase significantly—by a solid “1 million percent” because “it doesn’t matter how much you multiply zero by, it always equals, like, a million or something.”

The only foreseeable downside to this arrangement for the Jaguars is that if Stumph ever suffers an injury, Jacksonville will lose all of its starters at once. However, Mike has made known to Jacksonville’s front office via Twitter that he has “almost superhuman” stamina, agility, and strength. He also cites his “unearthly” team spirit, even on a team like the Jaguars.

Attempts to contact Jaguar fans for reaction were unsuccessful, though some fans of Jaguar brand automobiles were available for comment. Mostly they seemed confused by the question and surprised that Jacksonville was still fielding a football team. Stumph, for his part, plans to change the perception surrounding his new team. “I intend to help the Jaguars make a name for themselves in the NFL,” he said in a prepared statement. “And that name, of course, will be Mike Stumph.”

Photo Credit: Jackson Keys, Google, and Facebook.

AISU Sports Teams Claim to Actually Participate in Games

Murray, UT—Despite their insistence that they regularly compete in exciting, closely contested games, the AISU soccer and baseball teams are now trying to downplay rumors that these games are entirely fabricated.

 

One anonymous soccer player is quoted as saying, “How many times do I have to say it? … We really do play soccer games against other teams, and several of them are ridiculously exciting. All the doubters out there should come see for themselves.’”

 

One of the soccer team’s “fans” (which is believed to only be a sock puppet controlled by a member of the soccer team) added, (in an exaggerated high-pitched voice), “I have been to every soccer game this year, and I can attest that they actually happened. Soccer was played on multiple occasions, and in many cases the games were, in fact, fun to watch.”

 

At their latest press conference, the baseball team is on record as saying, “We run a very clean and professional team that has been singled out due to our unrealistically exciting games … it’s just not fair. We’re sick and tired of these allegations and we’re going to do everything we can to fight them. They’re absolutely untrue.”

 

A lack of eye-witnesses is one reason the public is so skeptical that these games have taken place. So far, no one outside the athletic department, other than the sock puppet, has been willing to come forward to corroborate the teams’ claims.

 

The rumors vary by source, with some kids saying that instead of competing against other teams in actual games, the athletes invent dramatic stories about their accomplishments and spread them around the school in order to impress Mindy Young and the “cool” performing arts kids. Other sources have stated athletes watch old game film from the 1960s and overdramatic sports movies like The Natural, Angels in the Outfield, and Baseball: A Documentary and then act them out as if they were on the moon.

 

The coaches and athletic directors have not responded to our casual attempts to contact them, and they have not reached out to us, which is practically a confession. One question remains: what do our baseball and soccer teams do when they are supposed to be playing baseball or soccer games? Another question that also remains is which is better: right twix or left twix? Both seem unanswerable for now.

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