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AISU’s Whooping Cough Epidemic AKA “The Plague”

AISU—The American International School of Utah (AISU) has recently been plagued by a strong case of the whooping cough. Doctors describe whooping cough as a rare cough that is potentially more harmful than a regular cough because it causes victims to make a high-pitched “whoop!” sound that doctors find very annoying. Victims are often denied treatment as a result. “I can’t stand it,” one doctor admitted. “It’s worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. So when someone comes to my office and starts whooping, I just make them leave. Sometimes, on their way out, I prescribe an addictive pain killer they don’t need, just to get even.”

Nobody wants that, so school officials have warned students who are not vaccinated against whooping cough to stay home. This decision has fanned the flames of the already-raging debate between parents who believe vaccinations are good because they eradicate deadly diseases and parents who believe vaccinations are part of an elaborate government conspiracy to give everyone autism. It now appears that the vaccinations are also part of a conspiracy to force children to go to school even though people around them will be coughing and making irritating whooping sounds.

AISU’s epidemic has caught the attention of the ever-attentive social media, including a surprising number of gofundme pages for the school, hundreds of Facebook profile pictures that have been changed to little boxes that say “whoops, AISU’s got a cough :-(“, and even a pity-following for the AISU memes page.

However, the most noticeable attention AISU has gotten for being sick has come from Whoopi Goldberg, the inventor of whooping cough. Whoopi tagged AISU in a recent tweet, saying, “When you cough on someone in school, you hope they’ll get sick and cough on someone else. And it’ll become like a wildfire.” Whoopi then added a more personal message: “Congrats to AISU students who didn’t get vaccinations and get to stay home from school! No vaccinations = more vacations!”

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Student Goes Entire Day With Tag Sticking Out of Shirt

AISU – On Tuesday, April 5, an unnamed AISU student was seen in the cafeteria during lunch with his tag sticking out of his shirt. The incident was confirmed by many eye-witnesses, some of whom reported seeing the out-of-place tag at other times throughout the day, leading authorities us to assume that the victim didn’t notice what was happening until it was too late.

 

Sources close to the victim explain that while several people saw his tag was sticking out, nobody had the heart to tell him about the mishap. “He looked so clueless about the whole thing,” an anonymous witness said, choking back tears. “Nobody wanted to ruin his day by telling him about it, and it was pretty hilarious, too.”

 

Word of the spectacle spread quickly through the school, until it seemed everyone knew about the wardrobe malfunction except the victim himself. “I didn’t even know [the victim] existed until today,” one classmate said. “But now it’d be hard not to know.”

 

The victim is believed to have noticed the tag once he arrived at home, and spent the remainder of the evening wondering how long it had been that way. He was next seen at school with a paper bag over his head and duct tape keeping his tag down. Since the incident, he has never been seen within 15 feet of another human being. He is now rumored to be removing all tags from his shirts, undergoing extensive plastic surgery, and moving to Uruguay. Such behavior is quite normal, experts say. “Can you blame him?” said one psychologist, who asked to remain anonymous and was hard to understand perfectly because he too had a paper bag over his head. “I mean, his life has been torn into pieces before his eyes. And what did his friends do about it? Nothing, except laugh at him behind his back. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch a plane to Uruguay.”

EXCLUSIVE: The True Meaning of Groundhog Day

Today, the Daily Gravy releases a never-before seen exposé written exactly 1 year ago today, to share the truth about the most confusing holiday of the year (although it has almost nothing to do with AISU). Reader’s discretion advised; NSFW (Not Safe For Wussies)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FS7APT8CTb11DOfzmgQfmrPkuiUIL7rJxKmc3lO7_NA/edit?usp=sharing

Shake It Up Premiere Postponed

To keep the longstanding tradition of the American International School of Utah, the Daily Gravy has procrastinated the filming and editing of the new documentary series Shake It Up: AISU at the 2016 Shakespeare Festival. The new release date for the series premiere will be November 29th, 2016.

The Daily Gravy’s Subtle Prompt to Register to Vote

It has been requested of us by wordpress.com that we subtly prompt our readers to register to vote this election. So we have decided to do that in this following message:

 

READERS OF LEGAL VOTING AGE/ETHNICITY:

Remember, if just one person who plans to not vote would vote, their preferred candidate gets one vote closer to winning the electoral college votes of the voter’s state.

So vote and stuff.

Sincerely, the Daily Gravy.

September Magazine Cover Concept

extraextra-read-allll-about-it

 

AISU Bathrooms Overrun by Venomous Snakes That May or May Not Be Real

By Anonymous Guest Writer #741

 

AISU—Animal Control was called late Monday evening to stem a so-called “frightening snake infection” at AISU. However, after a thorough search, the Animal Control officers concluded that no reptiles (including students) were present anywhere in the school, thanking the caller for this “enormous waste of time.”

Despite these findings, many students continue to insist that the school is literally crawling with reptiles, especially in the bathroom, a known favorite hangout of snakes. One student described the intruders as “about three to four feet long, with bright-colored stripes, usually red and yellow, and long fangs.” Another student, interviewed when leaving the boys’ restroom, said “I’ve never seen any snakes. But that would explain why there’s always so much screaming in there. The screams… They tear apart my very soul… The screams… Make them stop.”

“There are definitely snakes in there,” a student reported after leaving the girls’ restroom. When informed of this assertion, a representative from Animal Control said, “No there aren’t,” to which the student replied, “Yes, there are.” Animal Control then released this official statement: “Nu-uh.” The student responded with an official statement of her own: “Yeah-huh.”

While there is no photographic or video evidence of any snakes, there are also no surveillance cameras in the bathrooms, so other than the productive debate between Animal Control and AISU students, the investigation has reached a standstill.

Aspiring herpetologists and amateur snake enthusiasts in the high school have begun search parties to find and rescue these elusive reptiles and release them into the untamed wilderness of Murray City. While these groups have been criticized by peers and janitorial staff with such harsh insults as “They’re just wasting their time; there are no snakes”—an impressive retort in that it uses correctly in one sentence each spelling of “they’re/their/there”—most students agree that their noble efforts to rid the school of these pests are no joking matter.

A spokesperson from one of the search parties, known as Snake Search, gave the Gravy the following letter written in red ink that may actually be blood:

“An update on the snake situation:

“There are definitely snakes. There is no doubt about it. You may not be able to see them or hear them, but they are there. Some of you may be wondering, why the bathrooms? Why not my STEM classroom? But that is unimportant.

“The snakes are probably breeding in any and all restrooms marked ‘out of order.’ If you are attacked by a snake, stay still and silent and observe its behaviors. Report the snake sighting to a member of the Snake Search immediately. If you are bitten, you may as well stop making any long-term goals for your future or showering, for all is lost.”

When the letter was brought to the school’s principal for comment, he shook his head, and after a long pause, said, “This isn’t seriously still going on, is it? I mean, April Fools’ Day was ages ago.” Mr. Smith then laughed nervously and returned to his office.

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

AISU Haiku No. 2

The American

International School of

Utah. Darn, so close.

AISU Hoping Pokémon-Go Craze Will Compel Students to Attend School

Murray, UT – Over the past week, the iOS and Android app “Pokémon-Go” has captured the attention of teens and unambitious adults around the world, quickly surpassing both Tinder and Snapchat in popularity. The American International School of Utah, which is also in the business of capturing teenage attention, is hoping to use the popular app to encourage students to “finally at least show up” to the school once classes start in mid-August.

“Whenever we hear of something succeeding with the teen demographic, our first thought is, ‘How can we use this to get students to go to class?’” said an anonymous AISU staff member named Mike Stumph. “To borrow a phrase, we intend to ‘catch them all.’”

The school has released a full augmented-reality floor plan of its new Pokémon-Go setup, which includes Pokéstops in every classroom except for the performing arts classrooms, which are reserved for Pokémon recreation and breeding. As part of the plan, the P.E. classes have been renamed “Advanced Pokémon Egg Hatching,” and part-timers from K2 have been hired to nurture innovative “Pokémon wildlife centers” in the atrium.

Screenshot (2)ffchbc 1The Pokémon-Go setup floor plan for AISU’s main floor. Picture anonymously provided by Bill Glad.

“If this doesn’t get students to come to school, I don’t know what will.” Stated Stumph.

As a result of these implementations, the school has already begun to attract many teenagers and middle-aged single men who live in the apartments behind the school but apparently do not yet have adult responsibilities. The problem, however, is that classes don’t start for another month. But while school officials were initially opposed to strangers wandering around the school in the middle of the summer, they say they’ve now taken advantage of the opportunity.

“At first we threatened to enroll them in Beginning Orchestra or a GCE integrated course, but that didn’t scare them away, so we turned it into a sort of impromptu summer school program,” said Mr. Justis, who asked to remain anonymous. “We’ve brought teachers on who are trained to locate Pokémon and Pokéstops and shove useless information at hopeful Pokémon catchers while they’re violently swiping their smartphones. Once a week, we’ll give each ‘trainer’ a true-or-false test to assess learning, using the ‘blink once for true, twice for false’ approach.”

“If it works well, we might even use it as the school’s base curriculum once it’s not cool anymore,” Justis added.

Enrolled AISU students have noted that, while they would be more encouraged to attend school if it were full of augmented reality Pokémon and Pokéstops, they are worried that by mid-August, Pokémon-Go just might not be popular anymore. In fact, some experts say that even augmented reality itself will be obsolete by next month, predicting that the trend by that time will be new “pure-reality” games, consisting of actual physical interaction without interference from devices. AISU hasn’t yet made a statement on these predictions, but most observers believe there is little chance the school will change its position, given its history of holding on to policies even after they are proven ineffective, along with the fact that many faculty members “love Pokémon.”

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