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The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU aka The Pertussis School's Only Reliable News Source

Student Goes Entire Day With Tag Sticking Out of Shirt

AISU – On Tuesday, April 5, an unnamed AISU student was seen in the cafeteria during lunch with his tag sticking out of his shirt. The incident was confirmed by many eye-witnesses, some of whom reported seeing the out-of-place tag at other times throughout the day, leading authorities us to assume that the victim didn’t notice what was happening until it was too late.

 

Sources close to the victim explain that while several people saw his tag was sticking out, nobody had the heart to tell him about the mishap. “He looked so clueless about the whole thing,” an anonymous witness said, choking back tears. “Nobody wanted to ruin his day by telling him about it, and it was pretty hilarious, too.”

 

Word of the spectacle spread quickly through the school, until it seemed everyone knew about the wardrobe malfunction except the victim himself. “I didn’t even know [the victim] existed until today,” one classmate said. “But now it’d be hard not to know.”

 

The victim is believed to have noticed the tag once he arrived at home, and spent the remainder of the evening wondering how long it had been that way. He was next seen at school with a paper bag over his head and duct tape keeping his tag down. Since the incident, he has never been seen within 15 feet of another human being. He is now rumored to be removing all tags from his shirts, undergoing extensive plastic surgery, and moving to Uruguay. Such behavior is quite normal, experts say. “Can you blame him?” said one psychologist, who asked to remain anonymous and was hard to understand perfectly because he too had a paper bag over his head. “I mean, his life has been torn into pieces before his eyes. And what did his friends do about it? Nothing, except laugh at him behind his back. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch a plane to Uruguay.”

10 Reasons to Join Choir at AISU

1. Performing arts is a rite of passage at AISU.

At AISU, if you don’t participate in performing arts in some way, everyone secretly hates you. It’s true. So you might as well join choir, one of the least exclusive performing arts programs at the school!

2. No one will hear you mess up.

“But I can’t sing,” you say? Don’t worry. It’s a little-known fact that at any given time, 50% of a choir is singing the imperial march because they’ve forgotten their music. But have you noticed this at concerts or performances? Of course not, because everyone else was singing right, so nobody noticed. So unless you have a solo, the choir will sound good even if (even though) you don’t!

3. At any given time, you are surrounded by 50 students whom you can blame if something goes wrong.

If by any chance your mistakes do become audible, just glare a gesture conspicuously at the person next to you, and everyone will think he or she did it!

4. You can always lip-sync.

If you’re still afraid of messing up, just don’t sing! This is a very common choir strategy. In fact, the AISU chamber choir has lip-synced entire concerts before!

5. It’s the performing art that requires the least physical participation.

Dance is physically exhausting, as are theater and orchestra (unless you play the piccolo, then you don’t have to do anything) (please). In choir, all you have to do is move your mouth and sometimes let sounds out!

6. You’ll learn to love most of the songs you sing.

So next time your grandmother turns on her classical music, you can not completely hate it!

7. You’ll learn a lot of cool music you didn’t know before.

So not only will you not hate Grandma’s classical music, you can sing along!

8. Free T-shirt.

‘Nuff said.

9. When you do well, it makes the girls (and some guys) go crazy.

Whatever you’re into.

10.  It’s a great thing to put on your portfolio and college applications.

When colleges or potential employers see those magical words, “lip-synced in an award-winning choir at a small charter school,” they literally start to drool. Some of them will ask you to marry one of their children. But don’t accept this offer right away. If you play hard-to-get just a little, they will eventually ask you to marry ALL of their children—then you can have your pick.

EXCLUSIVE: The True Meaning of Groundhog Day

Today, the Daily Gravy releases a never-before seen exposé written exactly 1 year ago today, to share the truth about the most confusing holiday of the year (although it has almost nothing to do with AISU). Reader’s discretion advised; NSFW (Not Safe For Wussies)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FS7APT8CTb11DOfzmgQfmrPkuiUIL7rJxKmc3lO7_NA/edit?usp=sharing

Horror-Scopes: The Halloween Horoscopes

Have you ever wanted to be told what to do all the time by superficial figures made out of dead balls of gas millions of light years away, and Mike Stumph just doesn’t cut it?  Well now’s your chance! AISU’s only reliable news source now has a horoscope section, starting with a late-evening Halloween special—your Horror-Scope:

Aries March 21 – April 19 Bring a weapon with you trick or treating tonight, because you’re going to need it. Clowns cannot be tolerated, no exceptions. They will stab you to death. Don’t give them that chance.
Taurus April 20 – May 20 Although the threat of getting stabbed may be scary, don’t skip out on trick-or-treating tonight. If you do encounter creepy clowns with seemingly violent intentions, just let them know you care about them and that you understand their circumstances. After that, they’ll either leave you alone, give you a warm embrace, or stab you in the throat. On second thought, just go trick-or-treating with an Aries.
Gemini May 21 – June 20 Although being an individual can be enticing at times, as you know, it is ultimately impractical and will only lead to disappointment and crushed dreams down the road. Do yourself a favor and don’t be jealous of people who make their own choices or are successful. Deep down inside, they envy you.
Cancer June 21 – July 22 You should seriously consider legally changing your birthday.
Leo July 23 – August 22 If you need a last-minute Halloween costume tip, be life and hand out lemons to trick-or-treaters. Kids love that stuff.
Virgo August 23 – September 22 The clowns are out to get you. Hide. Don’t go outside until 2017. They will get you.
Libra September 23 – October 22 Halloween has just lost its appeal over the years. Today, you plan to sit inside and do nothing. But don’t forget the joys of Halloweens past. This Halloween, sit inside and get sick from eating the Halloween candy you were planning on handing out to little kids. Enjoy yourself.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Don’t dress up as a clown.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Although your wisdom may be great beyond your years, nobody cares. Especially when it comes to the origins of Halloween. Don’t spoil our fun, alright?
Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Don’t worry about if people will make fun of your costume today, that you worked so hard on and are especially passionate about. They totally will. Relentlessly.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18 While driving your van around and offering children candy so that they don’t have to walk as far may be a good sentiment, it could be misinterpreted. Best drop that idea.
Pisces February 19 – March 20 Just because Scorpio wants you to dress up like a clown with him/her doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Don’t be fooled; stick to your original plan of dressing as a bearded lady and getting mad whenever anyone “assumes your gender.” It’s much better.

Shake It Up Premiere Postponed

To keep the longstanding tradition of the American International School of Utah, the Daily Gravy has procrastinated the filming and editing of the new documentary series Shake It Up: AISU at the 2016 Shakespeare Festival. The new release date for the series premiere will be November 29th, 2016.

Exclusive: I Totally Love Everything You Love

By Guest Writer Hillary Clinton

 

Good morning, AISU students and staff! Good to talk to you, my fam! Like I always say, you’re tied for the best with everyone else. I heard that some Jerry Gonson or something wrote an exclusive article for your newspaper, so I thought it’d make a good impression if a real presidential candidate wrote an exclusive article for this paper, too!

 

I’d just like to start by saying you guys are my favorite current students and staff members of the American International School of Utah, especially those of you who are eligible to vote in this country! I think everything about you is super great! Some of you may have heard about the outrageous, unconfirmed reports of hacked emails between myself and my campaign manager in which I was misquoted as saying something like “AISU students are super great, unless they support Donald Trump, then they’re blabbering idiots whose mouths should be cleaned out with a toilet brush.” Now, first I want to say that if this email can be proven to be mine—and I’m not saying it can—then it is being taken entirely out of context. Also, if by chance it can be proven that it is not taken out of context I admit that it was wrong to say those things in that particular way. Not that such a statement is completely incorrect, but it isn’t very nice, and I admit I was unintentionally, harmlessly wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, after all, especially Trump supporters.

 

Now, back to establishing our common interests: I love your school’s performing arts program. I think the achievements you’ve accomplished have been well earned. I also love, as I understand you do, your beautiful warm-ups and vocal exercises. My personal favorite would have to be the one that goes, “Why shouldn’t my goose grow as fast as thy goose, when I payed for my goose twice as much as thine?” I especially like this because it touches on the subject of economic inequalities, a topic I have been specifically focused on since it got Bernie Sanders so many supporters.

 

As far as curricula go, your school has had many over the past three years of the school’s existence. I don’t think any one curriculum is necessarily better than another; they just speak to people at different levels. I think 3.0 was good, if you think it was good, but if you think it sucked, then I also firmly believe it sucked. I think that there are good things and bad things about your many curricula, and my opinion on which is better or what the school should do next differs depending on who I’m talking to. Let’s just say the answer is “I agree with your opinion and, as a matter of fact, I was thinking that same thing too.”

 

Robotics are super cool, unless you think they’re nerdy, then that’s clearly what they are. I think sports are overrated, except in cases when they are good. The cafeteria food is gross and unhealthy, unless you decide it’s better than nothing, in which case you’re right. Mike Stumph is a cool cat, but if you think he isn’t, then neither do I. AISU is a very good school, except for the parts you as an individual don’t like about it. Those parts are the worst.

 

So as you can see, you and I have many things in common. Pretty much everything, for that matter. We clearly agree on all the issues, even the things that aren’t really issues, but just little things in your personal life. So what other reason could there possibly be to run to the ballots and vote for me? Oh, that’s right, I’m not Donald Trump.

The Daily Gravy’s Subtle Prompt to Register to Vote

It has been requested of us by wordpress.com that we subtly prompt our readers to register to vote this election. So we have decided to do that in this following message:

 

READERS OF LEGAL VOTING AGE/ETHNICITY:

Remember, if just one person who plans to not vote would vote, their preferred candidate gets one vote closer to winning the electoral college votes of the voter’s state.

So vote and stuff.

Sincerely, the Daily Gravy.

Shake It Up TV Series

Shake It Up: AISU at the 2016 Shakespeare Festival is a documentary series following AISU students at the 2016 Utah Shakespeare Festival in Southern Utah this Thursday through Saturday. Shake It Up will be the Daily Gravy’s first series. It will air on the Daily Gravy Television Network Youtube page Tuesday, October 25, as part of a Daily Gravy-sponsored screening party after school.

BREAKING: Pleasant Grove Madrigals to Perform Same Piece as AISU Madrigals for Shakespeare Competition

AISU–According to information leaked to the Gravy, Pleasant Grove High School’s main performance piece for the upcoming Utah Shakespeare Festival will be “Il Est Bel Et Bon,” a piece familiar to the AISU Madrigals, because it’s also the finale piece AISU is planning to perform at the same festival.

 

Experts are calling it “a classic case of the if-you-can’t-beat-them-imitate-them strategy,” as Pleasant Grove was a perennial winner at the Shakespeare Madrigals Competition until last year, when newcomer AISU took first place.

 

Renaissance fans expected AISU to win the Madrigals Competition once again this year due to the difficulty level of “Il Est Bel Et Bon,” but now that it has become public knowledge that Pleasant Grove will also perform this piece, fans are concerned that AISU may actually have to put serious effort into the piece.

 

The news has also created a sense of urgency among AISU Madrigals, though they remain confident in their patented “get all the sucking out in rehearsal” technique. “This technique is exactly what earned us first place last year, and we’ve been following it to the letter up to this point,” AISU tenor Aathaven Tharmarajah said. “There’s no way anyone has gotten more sucking out than we have.”

 

“We even held a Saturday rehearsal last week,” an anonymous AISU alto added. “I wasn’t there, but I’m sure whoever attended got a whole lot of sucking out.”

 

Some members are less confident, however. “I’m not sure we’ve gotten enough sucking out during rehearsals to be the best we can be,” said AISU baritone Jarron Carlson. “I mean, we’ve definitely sucked a lot, but I feel like there’s so much more sucking we still need to get out. I just think we should all take it to the next level by singing poorly at home, during our free time, if that’s what it takes to be the best.”

 

In an attempt to increase their level of rehearsal sucking, AISU Madrigals have been holding lunchtime rehearsals since the school year started. The strategy appears to be to force singers into an involuntary fast, which experts say not only increases the spirituality of the choir but also allows the singers to rehearse on empty stomachs, thus enabling them to suck even more.

 

For their part, Pleasant Grove officials have not yet leaked any further information about the competition, and repeated attempts by the Gravy to trick them into divulging something have been unsuccessful. AISU’s Madrigals have said that whatever happens, they will stick to the original plan of performing “Il Est Bel Et Bon” and “freaking winning.” They will also be getting extra sucking out over the weekend individually and are planning on having all of the sucking out by the Shakespeare Festival Competition on October 6–8. The AISU Madrigals will also visit the State Capitol building to showcase their pieces Monday, October 3.

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