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Still crying—AISU aka The Pertussis School's Only Reliable News Source

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A Tribute Article to AISU’s Class of 2016: See You Next Year! Oh, Wait. Never Mind.

AISU—Tonight, AISU seniors who have earned all necessary credits will graduate and receive a one-way ticket to the “real world.” The question rises, however, about what these new adults will do with their newfound freedom mingled with burdensome responsibilities. Many graduating seniors (some after a “gap year” or an LDS mission) are choosing to go to a university or mental institution, but more adventurous students have other plans. Some of the post–high school plans of these adventurous students (whose names have been changed to protect the innocent) include:

 

Alex Thomasson: Train to become a professional goofball for Google, Inc.

 

Tristan Pill: Open a “Happy Hip-Hop Homies” all-girls dance academy

 

Pherica Air: Start a nonprofit dedicated to teaching underprivileged wild animals how to paint pictures of lollipops and bubblegum for their mothers

 

Ostrich Huntergaard: Train Alex Thomasson to become professional goofball

 

Java-ier: Win 50 consecutive People’s Choice Awards and beat Trump in the 2016 election.

 

BeLisa Hoax: Start planning reunions

 

Eon Hair: Start planning to not attend reunions

 

Sandra Bagstaff: Become a civil rights activist for the vertically challenged

 

Silly Narsden: Start a classical metal band called “Beethovenian Beelzebub” or “Baroquen Mirrors” or “My Chemical Romantic Era” or something like that

 

Salutatorian: Become the best and most popular inspirational speaker in the history of the world

 

Valedictorian: Get all teeth knocked out ASAP

 

The AISU Daily Gravy wishes luck, happiness, and free cars to this year’s graduating seniors. Good luck to all of you with this whole “life” thing. It can be pretty tough sometimes. Luckily for you, though, you don’t have to endure through the birthing pains of AISU 3.0, so you should consider yourselves extremely lucky. You really dodged an enormous, exploding, kryptonite bullet by graduating this year. We all envy you for that. We love you guys, and we hope to see you again often down the road. Good luck and be happy! Go rock at whatever it is you’re going to be doing! Way to be!
Lots of love, the Daily Gravy

Why and How to Vote Gravy for Student Body President

 

As you may have guessed by the updated subtitle on our website, the Daily Gravy is informally running for AISU Student Body President. Why? Primarily because we’ve been observing the U.S. presidential race, and we thought, why should Donald Trump have all the fun?

But we aren’t running in a formal manner, for a number of reasons. That number is 3. The first reason is we probably wouldn’t be able to because we aren’t really a student but more of a student body organization. The second reason is that it seems like a lot of hard work to fill out all those papers and be interviewed and everything. The third reason is that our campaign slogan is “Because Screw Authority” and if we ran by the rules we wouldn’t be screwing authority, we would be obeying it. And that’s no fun.

We as the Gravy do not expect you to vote for us just because it’s fun or because you like to screw authority, although we would be OK if you did that. Rather, we have outlined below a few things we will do if you elect us and reasons we think we are worthy of your unofficial vote:

  • If the Gravy wins, everyone wins: As president, the Daily Gravy will obviously not be able to preside at meetings and assembles like a good president should, so various AISU students will be given the opportunity to represent the Gravy at these official functions. These students would include current SBO candidates (besides Jarrett, he’s already had his chance); responsible, charismatic students; and even you! All high school students, big or small, who want to represent the Gravy will have the chance at some point throughout the Gravy’s presidency. This will include wearing an authentic Gravy T-shirt provided by TeeRex Tees and possibly a Gravy mask.

 

  • A vote for the Gravy is a vote against the system: You see, if you elect the Gravy as student body president, you have effectively beat a longstanding system without lifting more than a finger. Well done. How many high school students can say that?

 

  • Inter-school fantasy sports leagues for scholarship money: If the Gravy is elected, one of our first movements will be to start a fantasy basketball league and possibly a fantasy football league with 11 other schools across the valley. The winning team will be awarded money toward a scholarship, along with a trophy made of chocolate or something.

 

  • There won’t be so many celebration assemblies: I mean, they can be all right and maybe even useful once or twice a trimester, but we have them ALL THE GOSH DARN TIME. If the Gravy is elected, that won’t happen.

 

  • We will fight A/B schedules, the longer school day, and other 3.0 changes as much as we can: You better believe it. You’re welcome, people with flex schedules. And also everyone.

 

  • Psych: The Musical as a school musical possibility: Can you say, “The best thing ever”?

 

  • Get partial English credits for guest writing for the Daily Gravy: You’re already planning to do it anyway. Why not get English 12 credits for it? There’s also the possibility of a Gravy intensive. How fun is that?

 

  • No important school activities or meetings will be scheduled during primetime television: That’s just inconvenient for everybody.

 

  • Lastly, think Shawn Spencer in Psych: Season 7, Episode 10 – “The Santa Barbarian Candidate” before the part where he’s trying to not get elected. Hilarious.

 

By now, you’re probably either super excited and wanting to know how you can vote for the Daily Gravy so you can do it and beg your friends to do it too, or you’re extremely confused and wondering how on this green earth it’s even going to be possible to vote for us—or both. Well, it’s really quite simple. All you have to do is scroll back to up to the top of this article and select one of the “The Daily Gravy” options under the “Who are you voting for and why?” poll. That’s pretty much all the work you have to do. Then, when Bill Glad or whoever sends out the “official” polls for student body president, vote for Seth. Or Ritz. Or Lynzie, or Aatheven, or anybody (except Jarrett. He’s already had his chance). It really doesn’t matter, they’re all nice people. Then, when the authoritative figure like Mark Smith or whoever presents the student body president, that doesn’t really mean anything. Who’s authority to tell you what you believe? If you, the student body, accept the Gravy as AISU president, then galldangit, who’s going to tell you you’re wrong? If you, the student body, accept most of the decisions made by Gravy representatives (you), then they happen. That’s all you have to do to beat the system. That’s it, and you screwed authority. You show them. Vote Gravy.

AISU 4.0 Plans Leaked

AISU – The American International School of Utah has baffled students, parents, and mental institutions with its recently announced “3.0” changes to be implemented for the school’s third year. These include, to name a few, an inefficient-by-nature A/B schedule (especially disruptive for students with “flex schedules”), 80-minute classes (about 80 times longer than the average teenager’s attention span), an earlier start and later end to the school day (inconsiderate of commuter students), integrated classes that will force students who are ahead in certain subjects to do completed work again, crew in the middle of the day, two high school lunches to minimize socializing, among other terrible things.

Students hardly had time to recover emotionally from the 3.0 announcement, however, before potential plans for changes in AISU’s fourth year were leaked through fuzzy images on the Internet. Details are sketchy, but they reportedly include an A/B/C/D/E schedule (or “alphabet schedule”) to fit more classes per trimester. Also, in response to complaints from commuter students, the school day is to be extended even further—beginning at 7:00 a.m. and ending at 6:30 p.m., thus avoiding both the morning and evening rush hours. Saturdays would be added to the school week as a mandatory “bonus learning” day. The two high school lunches are to be eliminated, and instead students will only have lunch on one day each week, depending on their crew, which will meet for 2 minutes and 34 seconds per day.

The leaked 4.0 information also included clues that led investigators to confidential drafts of AISU “5.0,” which they say they found hidden under a pile of granola bars on Mr. Justis’s desk. For 5.0, the “alphabet schedule” will include all letters of the alphabet, giving students 26 days between classes. Weekends, holidays, and breaks will be eliminated, because “what did the students do to earn a ‘break’?” There will not be a lunch and food will not be permitted; instead, all students will participate in a “school-wide fast” for education. The “crew leader” position will be terminated, and all crews will be led by Bill Glad via Skype for 30 seconds every half hour.

As surprising as these changes may be, they apparently are only the beginning. Investigators found that when the plans for 5.0 were translated into Latin, read backwards, then translated back into English, they revealed a rough draft for plans for AISU 6.0, which reportedly will include a schedule based not on the English alphabet but on a variety of factors, including the outdoor temperature, the air quality, a “wheel of academic fortune” spun by local celebrities, the amount of rainfall in the Amazon rainforest, the crime rate in Los Angeles, the “rollback” sales at Wal-Mart, and what Mr. Farley had for breakfast the day before. Under this schedule, students will never have the same class twice and will be “kept on their toes” regarding their education.

The school day for 6.0 will last for 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 1/4 days a year, and each class will last 48 hours. If students wish to eat, they are required to watch a video of someone taking a bowl of rice away from a starving child in Africa while doing so. Crews will be disintegrated, and students will meet individually with Bill Glad at random times every day for a presentation about stress, sleep deprivation, fear, and other conditions caused by the school.

Students have responded by comparing the successive changes to the worsening of recent iPhone models. School officials would not confirm the veracity of the leaked information; however, they called the iPhone comparison “very insulting, but fair.”

AISU 2015-16 Yearbook “Theme” to be “The Last Year Before We REALLY Suck.”

Daily Headline – 5/4/16

Mr. Justis Wants Us to Stop Making Fun of AISU 3.0 for His Birthday

AISU – AISU’s Chief Academics Officer, Mr. Justis, has made a public statement asking if, for his birthday, the school would kindly refrain from mocking the AISU 3.0 changes for the remainder of the day.

 

“I understand that the 3.0 changes are really dumb and don’t make any sense,” a spokesman for Mr. Justis said, “but just for Mr. Justis’s birthday, we ask students, parents, and teachers to please refrain from stating the obvious when in earshot of the Birthday Boy.”

 

Students have said that they “will try their hardest” to respect Mr. Justis’s wishes, but that it will be very difficult, since “the 3.0 changes were pretty much made to be mocked.”

 

“I understand why Mr. Justis doesn’t want us to make fun of 3.0 on his birthday,” one student said, “but honestly, if you’re going to make all of these ridiculous changes, you can’t really expect them to not be ridiculed. That’s what ‘ridiculous’ means.”

 

Mr. Justis has distanced himself from the 3.0 decisions in the past, but this request has led some students to speculate that Mr. Justis was, in fact, behind many if not all of the controversial and “really dumb” 3.0 changes. Other students say that the reason he doesn’t want anyone mocking AISU 3.0 changes today is because “he just wants peace [for his birthday].”

New Word Coined to Describe AISU 3.0 Plans

AISU – Immediately following the American International School of Utah’s “3.0 launch party” Tuesday, Merriam-Webster printed billions of updated copies of its popular dictionary and updated it website to include two new words: “fam” and “devastatement.”

 

The official definitions for these words are:

 

Fam: A very close friendship with one or more persons, implying closeness similar that of family, such as “bro” or “bruh,” e.g. “What’s good, fam?”

 

Devastatement: A word used to describe the changes announced for the American International School of Utah’s third year, e.g. “Did you hear about the [change to be made for 3.0]?” “Yeah, that’s a huge devastatement, fam.”

 

Both of the new words have been received well by the public and have been called “extremely useful,” particularly by AISU students. “‘Fam’ is a great, gender-neutral and number-neutral word for ‘bro,’” said one student. “I’ve always wondered what I’m supposed to say to my female friends or to large groups from both genders when I want to express the closeness that ‘bro’ connotes. Now I have something I can say to all of them.

 

“And ever since I heard about the 3.0 changes, I’ve been struggling to put my feelings to words, and ‘devastatement’ describes the changes announced for AISU’s third year perfectly, so props to the Merriam-Webster folks for coming up with that one.”

 

“I will definitely use ‘devastatement’ a lot,” said another student. “I actually wanted to use it during the launch party, but I didn’t feel like I could, because you ain’t supposed to use words that ain’t in the dictionary. Now that it’s been recognized as a word, I feel validated.”

 

English teachers will now be required to acknowledge both words by not marking them as misspellings when grading papers. And plans are currently underway to update all word processors’ spell-checking features so that the red squiggly line doesn’t appear under “fam” or  “devastatement” when you type them. A spokesperson for Merriam-Webster says the next step is to update cell phone keyboards so that “fam” no longer auto-corrects to “fan” and “devastatement” no longer auto-corrects to “AISU 3.0 changes.” 

AISU May Have Connections with Secret Society, Conspiracy Theorists Say

By Guest Writer James Delliskave, Middle School Historian and Professional Endless Pit of Useless Knowledge

AISU – Extensive research by the AISU Society of Conspiracy Theorists (ASCT) suggests that the school might have connections with “Laudramosia Santacei Dieminium” or LSD, a secret society dedicated to the preservation of useless knowledge and the destruction of important knowledge. Based on this research, which gives no solid evidence that any AISU teachers are members of the society, the ASCT has concluded that every teacher is a member and we should trust no one.

Never daunted by lack of evidence, the ASCT listed the following points in defense of its claims:

School Mascot: AISU’s mascot is a seemingly harmless, red Chinese cut-paper dragon. According to the president of the ASCT (who requested that his real name not be used in this article because “you-know-who might be reading it” and instead asked to be referred to as Captain Reality), the red dragon mascot clearly implicates AISU’s LSD connections. “Red is the color of the clothing worn in the LSD’s secret ceremonies,” Captain Reality explained. “It is also an ancient Chinese symbol of good luck. And the dragon represents drug use (think “Puff the Magic Dragon”), a clear connection to LSD, which of course is also the name of a drug.” The LSD was supposedly founded in China in AD 295 as the Society of Great Learners. It was later brought to Rome, where it came to be known as the Chocolate-Chip Champions and eventually renamed to the more serious-sounding Laudramosia Santacei Dieminium. In the palace of Tep-Shaing-Lai in Beijing, where the LSD was founded, there is a floor mosaic that bears vague resemblance to the AISU dragon logo, though others claim it looks more like a giant chocolate-chip cookie.

School Architecture: According to the ASCT, several architectural elements of AISU’s facilities are similar to those found in the “Great House of Knowledge,” the LSD’s current headquarters. The Great House of Knowledge, for example, reportedly has mirrors and huge glass windows, similar to those found in AISU’s atrium. In addition, the way the seats are organized in AISU is remarkably similar to the setup in the “meditation room,” where people meditate and where most company parties are held. Other similarities include the use of tile in the bathrooms, carpeted stairways, and fluorescent lighting, all of which are known features of the Great House of Knowledge. “Clearly,” Captain Reality says, “whoever designed AISU’s facilities had LSD headquarters in mind.”

References to Members: There are multiple references to artistic members of the LSD within the AISU building. The most obvious references are the “da Vinci” and “Frida” studios. They are named after artists Edwardo da Vinci and Mikhal Frida, both of whom were suspected members of the LSD. The entrance to the High School features a quote by Barn Johan Freaking Wolfgang von Goethe, who, as everyone knows, was also a member of the LSD. And many of the songs in the performing arts department’s concert set were composed by members of the LSD, including Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Leonard “Feel the Bernstein” Bernstein, Claudio “Da Bomb” Monteverdi, and the Baby Einsteins.

Tests: SAGE testing was founded by the LSD for the purpose of destroying all happiness forever. Captain Reality explains that this is why so many teachers are in favor of SAGE testing, “because they are obviously members of the LSD. There is no other logical explanation why someone would like SAGE tests.” The LSD has a department called the “Society of Jesters,” who claims responsibility for SAGE testing, April Fool’s Day, and Groundhog Day, although the ASCT believes Groundhog Day to be the brainchild of the devil. The Society of Jesters reportedly also presented to the national school board the idea of eternal sadness for everyone, and of course, the school board loved it.

3.0: The changes AISU has announced for the school’s third year are eerily similar to practices of LSD, and ASCT says that AISU 3.0 is the school’s first step in “operating exactly as LSD operates so that AISU can one day become an official chapter of the LSD.” The ASCT has also said that AISU’s 3.0 Launch Party was “practically a confession, and an LSD welcoming party.” For example, LSD has held meetings on an A/B schedule since 1866, they consider a “work day” do last from 8:30 am to 3:30 pm, their meetings have always been approximately 80 minutes long, they have never believed in effective programs and refuse to do anything that makes sense, they hate consistency, and their buildings have never had water fountains, to name a few. The ASCT says that “if AISU actually wanted to make their education system better, they would have had a Monday/Wednesday/Friday and Tuesday/Thursday schedule, kept the school day the same length, made classes shorter as opposed to longer, and given out free French fries in between classes. Nobody would make such ridiculous and inefficient changes unless they had ulterior motives.”

The ASCT hopes their investigative exposé will open students’ eyes to the secret symbols controlling their education. The ASCT will be holding classes to educate students about these harmful organizations, how to fight them, and how to make a mean chicken noodle soup from scratch on A days from 8:30 – 9:50 in the atrium.

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

Education Expert Visits AISU, Dies of Laughter, Posthumously Implements 3.0 Changes

AISU – On Wednesday, April 13, an “education innovations” expert, Phil Phredrickson, visited the American International School of Utah to evaluate the school both academically and ultra-academically, and to implement changes if necessary. However, immediately after shadowing the Physics class, Phredrickson dropped to the ground in laughter, eventually choking and ceasing to have life.

 

After it was confirmed that Phredrickson was in fact dead, AISU administration released a statement outlining Phredrickson’s recommended changes for AISU’s 3rd year, calling them “otherwise ridiculous” suggestions that “we never would have considered had they not been ordered by a dead man.”

 

Among the suggested changes are a new A/B day schedule with 80-minute classes, two high school lunches, a longer school day, replacing pencils with crayons, removing all chairs, and replacing all notebooks with rolls of toilet paper. An anonymous administration member said that he believes the changes will be good for the school, because he discussed them with his 6th great-grandson in series of dreams and blackouts in dark alleys. Others are doubtful, claiming that the changes “only make sense if you have been in constant contact with the dead for the past few years.” Overall, the school’s official statement asserts that the implementations will improve the school in the long run, but that they will “take some getting used to” and “will suck pretty bad for the next four decades.”

 

Phredrickson did not respond to our requests for comment, but the anonymous administration member offered to contact him for us, although we weren’t sure if he was talking to us, because his eyes were rolled back and his head was turned all the way around. The school will have an informational meeting about the changes on Tuesday at 7:00 on Saturn’s 6th moon, where a watermelon hosting Phredrickson’s disembodied ghost will be speaking. LSD will be served as a complimentary refreshment beforehand.

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