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The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU aka The Pertussis School's Only Reliable News Source

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Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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BREAKING: Pleasant Grove Madrigals to Perform Same Piece as AISU Madrigals for Shakespeare Competition

AISU–According to information leaked to the Gravy, Pleasant Grove High School’s main performance piece for the upcoming Utah Shakespeare Festival will be “Il Est Bel Et Bon,” a piece familiar to the AISU Madrigals, because it’s also the finale piece AISU is planning to perform at the same festival.

 

Experts are calling it “a classic case of the if-you-can’t-beat-them-imitate-them strategy,” as Pleasant Grove was a perennial winner at the Shakespeare Madrigals Competition until last year, when newcomer AISU took first place.

 

Renaissance fans expected AISU to win the Madrigals Competition once again this year due to the difficulty level of “Il Est Bel Et Bon,” but now that it has become public knowledge that Pleasant Grove will also perform this piece, fans are concerned that AISU may actually have to put serious effort into the piece.

 

The news has also created a sense of urgency among AISU Madrigals, though they remain confident in their patented “get all the sucking out in rehearsal” technique. “This technique is exactly what earned us first place last year, and we’ve been following it to the letter up to this point,” AISU tenor Aathaven Tharmarajah said. “There’s no way anyone has gotten more sucking out than we have.”

 

“We even held a Saturday rehearsal last week,” an anonymous AISU alto added. “I wasn’t there, but I’m sure whoever attended got a whole lot of sucking out.”

 

Some members are less confident, however. “I’m not sure we’ve gotten enough sucking out during rehearsals to be the best we can be,” said AISU baritone Jarron Carlson. “I mean, we’ve definitely sucked a lot, but I feel like there’s so much more sucking we still need to get out. I just think we should all take it to the next level by singing poorly at home, during our free time, if that’s what it takes to be the best.”

 

In an attempt to increase their level of rehearsal sucking, AISU Madrigals have been holding lunchtime rehearsals since the school year started. The strategy appears to be to force singers into an involuntary fast, which experts say not only increases the spirituality of the choir but also allows the singers to rehearse on empty stomachs, thus enabling them to suck even more.

 

For their part, Pleasant Grove officials have not yet leaked any further information about the competition, and repeated attempts by the Gravy to trick them into divulging something have been unsuccessful. AISU’s Madrigals have said that whatever happens, they will stick to the original plan of performing “Il Est Bel Et Bon” and “freaking winning.” They will also be getting extra sucking out over the weekend individually and are planning on having all of the sucking out by the Shakespeare Festival Competition on October 6–8. The AISU Madrigals will also visit the State Capitol building to showcase their pieces Monday, October 3.

Why and How to Vote Gravy for Student Body President

 

As you may have guessed by the updated subtitle on our website, the Daily Gravy is informally running for AISU Student Body President. Why? Primarily because we’ve been observing the U.S. presidential race, and we thought, why should Donald Trump have all the fun?

But we aren’t running in a formal manner, for a number of reasons. That number is 3. The first reason is we probably wouldn’t be able to because we aren’t really a student but more of a student body organization. The second reason is that it seems like a lot of hard work to fill out all those papers and be interviewed and everything. The third reason is that our campaign slogan is “Because Screw Authority” and if we ran by the rules we wouldn’t be screwing authority, we would be obeying it. And that’s no fun.

We as the Gravy do not expect you to vote for us just because it’s fun or because you like to screw authority, although we would be OK if you did that. Rather, we have outlined below a few things we will do if you elect us and reasons we think we are worthy of your unofficial vote:

  • If the Gravy wins, everyone wins: As president, the Daily Gravy will obviously not be able to preside at meetings and assembles like a good president should, so various AISU students will be given the opportunity to represent the Gravy at these official functions. These students would include current SBO candidates (besides Jarrett, he’s already had his chance); responsible, charismatic students; and even you! All high school students, big or small, who want to represent the Gravy will have the chance at some point throughout the Gravy’s presidency. This will include wearing an authentic Gravy T-shirt provided by TeeRex Tees and possibly a Gravy mask.

 

  • A vote for the Gravy is a vote against the system: You see, if you elect the Gravy as student body president, you have effectively beat a longstanding system without lifting more than a finger. Well done. How many high school students can say that?

 

  • Inter-school fantasy sports leagues for scholarship money: If the Gravy is elected, one of our first movements will be to start a fantasy basketball league and possibly a fantasy football league with 11 other schools across the valley. The winning team will be awarded money toward a scholarship, along with a trophy made of chocolate or something.

 

  • There won’t be so many celebration assemblies: I mean, they can be all right and maybe even useful once or twice a trimester, but we have them ALL THE GOSH DARN TIME. If the Gravy is elected, that won’t happen.

 

  • We will fight A/B schedules, the longer school day, and other 3.0 changes as much as we can: You better believe it. You’re welcome, people with flex schedules. And also everyone.

 

  • Psych: The Musical as a school musical possibility: Can you say, “The best thing ever”?

 

  • Get partial English credits for guest writing for the Daily Gravy: You’re already planning to do it anyway. Why not get English 12 credits for it? There’s also the possibility of a Gravy intensive. How fun is that?

 

  • No important school activities or meetings will be scheduled during primetime television: That’s just inconvenient for everybody.

 

  • Lastly, think Shawn Spencer in Psych: Season 7, Episode 10 – “The Santa Barbarian Candidate” before the part where he’s trying to not get elected. Hilarious.

 

By now, you’re probably either super excited and wanting to know how you can vote for the Daily Gravy so you can do it and beg your friends to do it too, or you’re extremely confused and wondering how on this green earth it’s even going to be possible to vote for us—or both. Well, it’s really quite simple. All you have to do is scroll back to up to the top of this article and select one of the “The Daily Gravy” options under the “Who are you voting for and why?” poll. That’s pretty much all the work you have to do. Then, when Bill Glad or whoever sends out the “official” polls for student body president, vote for Seth. Or Ritz. Or Lynzie, or Aatheven, or anybody (except Jarrett. He’s already had his chance). It really doesn’t matter, they’re all nice people. Then, when the authoritative figure like Mark Smith or whoever presents the student body president, that doesn’t really mean anything. Who’s authority to tell you what you believe? If you, the student body, accept the Gravy as AISU president, then galldangit, who’s going to tell you you’re wrong? If you, the student body, accept most of the decisions made by Gravy representatives (you), then they happen. That’s all you have to do to beat the system. That’s it, and you screwed authority. You show them. Vote Gravy.

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