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AISU’s Whooping Cough Epidemic AKA “The Plague”

AISU—The American International School of Utah (AISU) has recently been plagued by a strong case of the whooping cough. Doctors describe whooping cough as a rare cough that is potentially more harmful than a regular cough because it causes victims to make a high-pitched “whoop!” sound that doctors find very annoying. Victims are often denied treatment as a result. “I can’t stand it,” one doctor admitted. “It’s worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. So when someone comes to my office and starts whooping, I just make them leave. Sometimes, on their way out, I prescribe an addictive pain killer they don’t need, just to get even.”

Nobody wants that, so school officials have warned students who are not vaccinated against whooping cough to stay home. This decision has fanned the flames of the already-raging debate between parents who believe vaccinations are good because they eradicate deadly diseases and parents who believe vaccinations are part of an elaborate government conspiracy to give everyone autism. It now appears that the vaccinations are also part of a conspiracy to force children to go to school even though people around them will be coughing and making irritating whooping sounds.

AISU’s epidemic has caught the attention of the ever-attentive social media, including a surprising number of gofundme pages for the school, hundreds of Facebook profile pictures that have been changed to little boxes that say “whoops, AISU’s got a cough :-(“, and even a pity-following for the AISU memes page.

However, the most noticeable attention AISU has gotten for being sick has come from Whoopi Goldberg, the inventor of whooping cough. Whoopi tagged AISU in a recent tweet, saying, “When you cough on someone in school, you hope they’ll get sick and cough on someone else. And it’ll become like a wildfire.” Whoopi then added a more personal message: “Congrats to AISU students who didn’t get vaccinations and get to stay home from school! No vaccinations = more vacations!”

Unsuspecting Student Accidentally Watches AISU School News, Comes Clean

AISU – A pure-intentioned, anonymous student turned herself in to authorities yesterday, confessing to having watched AISU Morning News, though she insists it was an accident.

 

The student, who spoke with the media on conditions of anonymity, claims to have been attempting to permanently delete the “urgent allone” thread in her school email when an unfamiliar message titled “AISU Morning News” showed up in her inbox. The student claims to have ignored it at first, as would every self-respecting person, but at that exact moment, her computer froze. “So I did what I always do in that situation,” said the student, “I randomly moved my mouse all over the screen and clicked everywhere a million times until it worked.”

 

However, once the mouse-moving and click spamming did work, the student found that she had inadvertently opened the AISU School News email and started to play it. “I was terrified,” said the student, who is believed to be the only person to ever watch the school news without being featured in it.

 

“I thought I would never be treated as normal anymore. … I was sure I would never be able to live this down.”

 

The student said she worried about what people would think about her if they found out what had happened. “I thought I would never be treated as normal anymore. I was afraid I would be known as ‘the girl who watched the school news’ for the rest of my life. I was sure I would never be able to live this down.”

 

She says her first reaction was to cover up her mistake. “I thought about hiding it. I could delete my history, never tell anyone, and nobody would have to know,” she said. “Unfortunately, Mike was standing right behind me at that moment, and he saw what I was doing. He said he wouldn’t tell anyone, but I knew he thought differently of me immediately.”

 

“So I knew what I had to do. I had to come clean. I thought that if I didn’t tell my side of the story, rumors would start, and the more I let the rumor spread, the more corrupted it would get, you know?” Said the victim, “And besides, it was an innocent mistake, and even though that doesn’t make me feel any better about seeing it, it did make it easier to come clean.”

 

This victim of school news videos says she has now opened a completely anonymous 12-step school news viewing recovery program, so that people can get help without facing public ridicule. She has also started a petition asking that the AISU school news emails not be sent to minors without parental consent. She’s already earning praise for her efforts. “This young lady is an excellent example of accomplishing great things despite social damnation to make the world a better and safer place,”says school psychologist Barbara Walters, herself a recovering news-watcher. “She is a role model to victims of the school news everywhere.”

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