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AISU 3.0

Mr. Justis Wants Us to Stop Making Fun of AISU 3.0 for His Birthday

AISU – AISU’s Chief Academics Officer, Mr. Justis, has made a public statement asking if, for his birthday, the school would kindly refrain from mocking the AISU 3.0 changes for the remainder of the day.

 

“I understand that the 3.0 changes are really dumb and don’t make any sense,” a spokesman for Mr. Justis said, “but just for Mr. Justis’s birthday, we ask students, parents, and teachers to please refrain from stating the obvious when in earshot of the Birthday Boy.”

 

Students have said that they “will try their hardest” to respect Mr. Justis’s wishes, but that it will be very difficult, since “the 3.0 changes were pretty much made to be mocked.”

 

“I understand why Mr. Justis doesn’t want us to make fun of 3.0 on his birthday,” one student said, “but honestly, if you’re going to make all of these ridiculous changes, you can’t really expect them to not be ridiculed. That’s what ‘ridiculous’ means.”

 

Mr. Justis has distanced himself from the 3.0 decisions in the past, but this request has led some students to speculate that Mr. Justis was, in fact, behind many if not all of the controversial and “really dumb” 3.0 changes. Other students say that the reason he doesn’t want anyone mocking AISU 3.0 changes today is because “he just wants peace [for his birthday].”

New Word Coined to Describe AISU 3.0 Plans

AISU – Immediately following the American International School of Utah’s “3.0 launch party” Tuesday, Merriam-Webster printed billions of updated copies of its popular dictionary and updated it website to include two new words: “fam” and “devastatement.”

 

The official definitions for these words are:

 

Fam: A very close friendship with one or more persons, implying closeness similar that of family, such as “bro” or “bruh,” e.g. “What’s good, fam?”

 

Devastatement: A word used to describe the changes announced for the American International School of Utah’s third year, e.g. “Did you hear about the [change to be made for 3.0]?” “Yeah, that’s a huge devastatement, fam.”

 

Both of the new words have been received well by the public and have been called “extremely useful,” particularly by AISU students. “‘Fam’ is a great, gender-neutral and number-neutral word for ‘bro,’” said one student. “I’ve always wondered what I’m supposed to say to my female friends or to large groups from both genders when I want to express the closeness that ‘bro’ connotes. Now I have something I can say to all of them.

 

“And ever since I heard about the 3.0 changes, I’ve been struggling to put my feelings to words, and ‘devastatement’ describes the changes announced for AISU’s third year perfectly, so props to the Merriam-Webster folks for coming up with that one.”

 

“I will definitely use ‘devastatement’ a lot,” said another student. “I actually wanted to use it during the launch party, but I didn’t feel like I could, because you ain’t supposed to use words that ain’t in the dictionary. Now that it’s been recognized as a word, I feel validated.”

 

English teachers will now be required to acknowledge both words by not marking them as misspellings when grading papers. And plans are currently underway to update all word processors’ spell-checking features so that the red squiggly line doesn’t appear under “fam” or  “devastatement” when you type them. A spokesperson for Merriam-Webster says the next step is to update cell phone keyboards so that “fam” no longer auto-corrects to “fan” and “devastatement” no longer auto-corrects to “AISU 3.0 changes.” 

AISU May Have Connections with Secret Society, Conspiracy Theorists Say

By Guest Writer James Delliskave, Middle School Historian and Professional Endless Pit of Useless Knowledge

AISU – Extensive research by the AISU Society of Conspiracy Theorists (ASCT) suggests that the school might have connections with “Laudramosia Santacei Dieminium” or LSD, a secret society dedicated to the preservation of useless knowledge and the destruction of important knowledge. Based on this research, which gives no solid evidence that any AISU teachers are members of the society, the ASCT has concluded that every teacher is a member and we should trust no one.

Never daunted by lack of evidence, the ASCT listed the following points in defense of its claims:

School Mascot: AISU’s mascot is a seemingly harmless, red Chinese cut-paper dragon. According to the president of the ASCT (who requested that his real name not be used in this article because “you-know-who might be reading it” and instead asked to be referred to as Captain Reality), the red dragon mascot clearly implicates AISU’s LSD connections. “Red is the color of the clothing worn in the LSD’s secret ceremonies,” Captain Reality explained. “It is also an ancient Chinese symbol of good luck. And the dragon represents drug use (think “Puff the Magic Dragon”), a clear connection to LSD, which of course is also the name of a drug.” The LSD was supposedly founded in China in AD 295 as the Society of Great Learners. It was later brought to Rome, where it came to be known as the Chocolate-Chip Champions and eventually renamed to the more serious-sounding Laudramosia Santacei Dieminium. In the palace of Tep-Shaing-Lai in Beijing, where the LSD was founded, there is a floor mosaic that bears vague resemblance to the AISU dragon logo, though others claim it looks more like a giant chocolate-chip cookie.

School Architecture: According to the ASCT, several architectural elements of AISU’s facilities are similar to those found in the “Great House of Knowledge,” the LSD’s current headquarters. The Great House of Knowledge, for example, reportedly has mirrors and huge glass windows, similar to those found in AISU’s atrium. In addition, the way the seats are organized in AISU is remarkably similar to the setup in the “meditation room,” where people meditate and where most company parties are held. Other similarities include the use of tile in the bathrooms, carpeted stairways, and fluorescent lighting, all of which are known features of the Great House of Knowledge. “Clearly,” Captain Reality says, “whoever designed AISU’s facilities had LSD headquarters in mind.”

References to Members: There are multiple references to artistic members of the LSD within the AISU building. The most obvious references are the “da Vinci” and “Frida” studios. They are named after artists Edwardo da Vinci and Mikhal Frida, both of whom were suspected members of the LSD. The entrance to the High School features a quote by Barn Johan Freaking Wolfgang von Goethe, who, as everyone knows, was also a member of the LSD. And many of the songs in the performing arts department’s concert set were composed by members of the LSD, including Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Leonard “Feel the Bernstein” Bernstein, Claudio “Da Bomb” Monteverdi, and the Baby Einsteins.

Tests: SAGE testing was founded by the LSD for the purpose of destroying all happiness forever. Captain Reality explains that this is why so many teachers are in favor of SAGE testing, “because they are obviously members of the LSD. There is no other logical explanation why someone would like SAGE tests.” The LSD has a department called the “Society of Jesters,” who claims responsibility for SAGE testing, April Fool’s Day, and Groundhog Day, although the ASCT believes Groundhog Day to be the brainchild of the devil. The Society of Jesters reportedly also presented to the national school board the idea of eternal sadness for everyone, and of course, the school board loved it.

3.0: The changes AISU has announced for the school’s third year are eerily similar to practices of LSD, and ASCT says that AISU 3.0 is the school’s first step in “operating exactly as LSD operates so that AISU can one day become an official chapter of the LSD.” The ASCT has also said that AISU’s 3.0 Launch Party was “practically a confession, and an LSD welcoming party.” For example, LSD has held meetings on an A/B schedule since 1866, they consider a “work day” do last from 8:30 am to 3:30 pm, their meetings have always been approximately 80 minutes long, they have never believed in effective programs and refuse to do anything that makes sense, they hate consistency, and their buildings have never had water fountains, to name a few. The ASCT says that “if AISU actually wanted to make their education system better, they would have had a Monday/Wednesday/Friday and Tuesday/Thursday schedule, kept the school day the same length, made classes shorter as opposed to longer, and given out free French fries in between classes. Nobody would make such ridiculous and inefficient changes unless they had ulterior motives.”

The ASCT hopes their investigative exposé will open students’ eyes to the secret symbols controlling their education. The ASCT will be holding classes to educate students about these harmful organizations, how to fight them, and how to make a mean chicken noodle soup from scratch on A days from 8:30 – 9:50 in the atrium.

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

AISU 3.0 Launch Party Scheduled at the Same Time as Popular TV Dramas

AISU – The American International School of Utah is hosting a “3.0 Launch Party” tonight at 7:00 pm, where AISU will announce many disruptive changes to be implemented for AISU’s 3rd year. AISU officials claim that they want people to attend this meeting, which is scheduled at the same time as “NCIS” (television’s top-rated drama) and “The Flash” (the CW’s only well-written drama).

 

The scheduling conflict has led some to conclude that AISU actually doesn’t want anyone to show up at the launch party. This conclusion supports the previous studies conducted which say that the changes to be made for AISU’s 3rd year “suck a lot” and that they may have been conceived “under the influence” of hard drugs.

 

“I wonder if AISU is hosting any kind of meeting at all,” one expert speculated. “That’s why they scheduled the meeting for a time slot when they knew nobody would show up.”

 

More optimistic people are hoping that the event will consist of the administration shouting “April Fools!” and then sending the crowd to two separate rooms, one showing “NCIS” and the other showing “The Flash.” However, most experts agree that this is mere wishful thinking. “Besides, even if that did happen,” one student observed, “we’d miss the first couple minutes of either show. I’m personally planning to stay home, watch NCIS, and then watch the 3.0 Launch Party when it’s on Netflix.”

 

The Daily Gravy journalists will not be attending the Launch Party, as we will instead be watching the long-anticipated episode of The Flash. Therefore, any articles written about events occurring at the Launch Party will be purely based on the Launch Party we watch when available on Netflix.

AISU 3.0 Rumors Terrify Population, Cause Babies to Cry

Murray, UT – Rumors concerning changes to be made for the American International School of Utah’s 3rd year have circulated through the school, reportedly leaving emotional damage in their wake. Experts are comparing these “earth-shattering,” “ground-breaking” changes to recent earthquakes in Japan and Ecuador, except that these changes are expected to be more dramatic and perhaps require more cleanup afterwards.

 

AISU has announced a “launch party” tonight at 7:00 pm to clarify some plans and address the public’s greatest fears. Unofficially referred to as the “abolition of hope party” or the “party of doom,” the meeting is expected to introduce changes such as an alternating block schedule (also known as A-day/B-day schedule), 80-minute classes, a longer school day with an earlier start time, two high school lunches, removal of resources from the Mike cloning machine, removal of all chairs, a dress code based on Lady Gaga’s wardrobe, and many other terrible things.

 

A recent study found that 100% of students, parents, and teachers polled at AISU, along with the surrounding high schools and colleges, are “highly afraid” of the consequences of the changes. The AISU school board is not overly concerned about these findings, explaining that one reason they are making these changes is to “shake things up a bit.”

 

“The same old program and schedule can get very old for those of us who have the authority to change things,” one school board member said. “So we sometimes like to make changes just so that we don’t get too bored. And we try to make them as destructive as possible and see if we can raise North Korea’s eyebrows, just for fun.”

 

Emergency response personnel initially advised students to seek refuge in the nearest safe high school, until it was discovered that none of them has an amazing performing arts program. Students are now being told that they have permission to freak out and throw things. Many students have said that they will be holding their arms over their heads for the remainder of the school year in case the school decides to demolish the roof, which wouldn’t surprise them, because as one student cried, “They’ve already demolished our high school lives.”

Education Expert Visits AISU, Dies of Laughter, Posthumously Implements 3.0 Changes

AISU – On Wednesday, April 13, an “education innovations” expert, Phil Phredrickson, visited the American International School of Utah to evaluate the school both academically and ultra-academically, and to implement changes if necessary. However, immediately after shadowing the Physics class, Phredrickson dropped to the ground in laughter, eventually choking and ceasing to have life.

 

After it was confirmed that Phredrickson was in fact dead, AISU administration released a statement outlining Phredrickson’s recommended changes for AISU’s 3rd year, calling them “otherwise ridiculous” suggestions that “we never would have considered had they not been ordered by a dead man.”

 

Among the suggested changes are a new A/B day schedule with 80-minute classes, two high school lunches, a longer school day, replacing pencils with crayons, removing all chairs, and replacing all notebooks with rolls of toilet paper. An anonymous administration member said that he believes the changes will be good for the school, because he discussed them with his 6th great-grandson in series of dreams and blackouts in dark alleys. Others are doubtful, claiming that the changes “only make sense if you have been in constant contact with the dead for the past few years.” Overall, the school’s official statement asserts that the implementations will improve the school in the long run, but that they will “take some getting used to” and “will suck pretty bad for the next four decades.”

 

Phredrickson did not respond to our requests for comment, but the anonymous administration member offered to contact him for us, although we weren’t sure if he was talking to us, because his eyes were rolled back and his head was turned all the way around. The school will have an informational meeting about the changes on Tuesday at 7:00 on Saturn’s 6th moon, where a watermelon hosting Phredrickson’s disembodied ghost will be speaking. LSD will be served as a complimentary refreshment beforehand.

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