AISU—The American International School of Utah (AISU) will be holding its first annual homecoming dance today, as part of the school’s ongoing effort to “be sort of like all the other high schools, but not in the good ways.” Despite this effort, plans for the school’s homecoming festivities did not originally include one of America’s most popular high school traditions: a homecoming football game. Hours before the dance, however, AISU announced that they will be hosting a game after all, against the NFL’s Cleveland Browns.
The announcement came as a surprise to many AISU students, mainly because AISU does not have a football team or a football field. School officials explained that the team will consist of the same 10–15 students who make up the school’s men’s basketball, baseball, and volleyball teams every year, as well as staff and administration members who are interested in “boosting school spirit.”
The Browns have yet to announce a starting quarterback for today’s game, but analysts expect either Francis the Talking Mule or Elmo’s goldfish, Dorothy, to get the nod. AISU’s starting QB will be a game-time decision, likely depending on who shows up. Although AISU is hoping for high levels of participation from students in the game, they have listed Uncle Rico as a backup QB, just in case students find playing against the Browns to be incredibly boring.
With the announcement, AISU officials hope to defuse widespread criticism of its homecoming plans, which was being mocked by students and mockingbirds alike because of the glaring omission of a football game. Snapchatters and Instagrammars have been quoted as saying, “Hi, I’m AISU, and I’m trying to have homecoming without a football game because I enjoy demolishing American traditions, huuhhhh!” before the announcement today.
However, even after the game was announced, critics and students have maintained their “rude ‘tude,” noting that while the Cleveland Browns technically do play football, they don’t play it particularly well. “I mean, I get that you’re supposed to schedule an easy win for the homecoming game,” one student observed. “But really? The Browns? While we’re at it, why don’t we replace all of our advanced literature classes with dramatic readings of The Cat in the Hat? … Hmmm. Now that I say that out loud, I kind of like the idea.”
The Browns have yet to comment on these remarks, but experts have said that “they’re used to it.” AISU has only responded in the form of stock photos of doctors shrugging, although the Language Arts department is reportedly looking into the Cat in the Hat suggestion. The AISU Homecoming game will begin at 4:00 p.m. MDT. The location is still to be determined, though Mr. Justis has offered the use of his backyard, as long as he has time to remove the lawn gnomes first. For live updates and a play-by-play of the game, follow @aisugravy on Twitter or scroll to the bottom of this page and look to the right side.