The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU's Only Reliable News Source


Bernie Sanders


If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.


Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.







Exclusive: I Totally Love Everything You Love

By Guest Writer Hillary Clinton


Good morning, AISU students and staff! Good to talk to you, my fam! Like I always say, you’re tied for the best with everyone else. I heard that some Jerry Gonson or something wrote an exclusive article for your newspaper, so I thought it’d make a good impression if a real presidential candidate wrote an exclusive article for this paper, too!


I’d just like to start by saying you guys are my favorite current students and staff members of the American International School of Utah, especially those of you who are eligible to vote in this country! I think everything about you is super great! Some of you may have heard about the outrageous, unconfirmed reports of hacked emails between myself and my campaign manager in which I was misquoted as saying something like “AISU students are super great, unless they support Donald Trump, then they’re blabbering idiots whose mouths should be cleaned out with a toilet brush.” Now, first I want to say that if this email can be proven to be mine—and I’m not saying it can—then it is being taken entirely out of context. Also, if by chance it can be proven that it is not taken out of context I admit that it was wrong to say those things in that particular way. Not that such a statement is completely incorrect, but it isn’t very nice, and I admit I was unintentionally, harmlessly wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, after all, especially Trump supporters.


Now, back to establishing our common interests: I love your school’s performing arts program. I think the achievements you’ve accomplished have been well earned. I also love, as I understand you do, your beautiful warm-ups and vocal exercises. My personal favorite would have to be the one that goes, “Why shouldn’t my goose grow as fast as thy goose, when I payed for my goose twice as much as thine?” I especially like this because it touches on the subject of economic inequalities, a topic I have been specifically focused on since it got Bernie Sanders so many supporters.


As far as curricula go, your school has had many over the past three years of the school’s existence. I don’t think any one curriculum is necessarily better than another; they just speak to people at different levels. I think 3.0 was good, if you think it was good, but if you think it sucked, then I also firmly believe it sucked. I think that there are good things and bad things about your many curricula, and my opinion on which is better or what the school should do next differs depending on who I’m talking to. Let’s just say the answer is “I agree with your opinion and, as a matter of fact, I was thinking that same thing too.”


Robotics are super cool, unless you think they’re nerdy, then that’s clearly what they are. I think sports are overrated, except in cases when they are good. The cafeteria food is gross and unhealthy, unless you decide it’s better than nothing, in which case you’re right. Mike Stumph is a cool cat, but if you think he isn’t, then neither do I. AISU is a very good school, except for the parts you as an individual don’t like about it. Those parts are the worst.


So as you can see, you and I have many things in common. Pretty much everything, for that matter. We clearly agree on all the issues, even the things that aren’t really issues, but just little things in your personal life. So what other reason could there possibly be to run to the ballots and vote for me? Oh, that’s right, I’m not Donald Trump.

Sneak Preview of 3.0 Intensives Leaked

by James Delliskave, Middle School Historian and Professional Endless Pit of Useless Knowledge


The Daily Gravy has obtained a top-secret list of proposed topics for next year’s intensives, which the Gravy promised not to release to the public until they were officially announced, but the Gravy was lying. So here they are:


  • At-home plastic surgery
  • Chinese buffet management
  • Do-it-yourself blood transfusions
  • America’s Funniest Home Videos: beginner’s course
  • Sluffing 101
  • Cement diving
  • “Litter”acy: course in littering
  • History of evil rabid monkey people
  • Introduction to comb-overs
  • How to get diabetes
  • Socialism: It’s not just for military dictatorships anymore, with guest lecturer Bernie Sanders
  • Obesity through the ages, part 2: Henry VII–Homer Simpson
  • The seven habits of highly successful McDonald’s employees
  • Spontaneous combustion in a postmodern context
  • Advanced tax evasion
  • Stupidity for dummies
  • Manipulating the spending habits of children, featuring Spongebob Squarepants
  • False advertising: Sign up now and receive $100,000
  • How to be better than everyone else and look really good doing it; team-taught by Kanye West and Donald Trump
  • A beginner’s guide to money laundering and forging
  • Surviving the President Trump apocalypse


This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

Bernie Sanders Announces “In-Detail” Campaign Stop at AISU

Murray, UT—Upon receiving word that 80 percent of the student body would vote for him if the government trusted them with a vote, Democratic party presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced that he will be returning to Utah, to campaign “in-detail” at the American International School of Utah.

“He was very surprised that students who were thought to have been well-educated would vote for him,” said campaign manager Jeff Weaver. “As soon as he learned of it, he said he had to get over there and make sure they understand what they would be getting themselves into if they actually elected him. Education is a top priority for Bernie.”

AISU’s preference for Sanders has left political analysts baffled. “Maybe they looked at the other choices—Ted Cruz, Hillary Clinton, The Donald—and were uninspired,” one analyst suggested. “I don’t think they realize they have the option of writing in a candidate, like Elmo, Captain America, or Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.” Bernie Sanders has his own theory: “Maybe they mistook me for Colonel Sanders. That happens a lot; especially with the young people.”

When he comes to the school, Sanders says he plans to outline his plan for implementing his socialist views in the school setting. The plan includes a high “tax” on all the credits earned by the students in the school, with the students who earn more credits having to pay a higher tax. Then Bernie will take those taxed credits and give them to the students who didn’t get as many credits that year.

“That way, the students who didn’t get very many credits for whatever reason will have the same advantage in life as the snobby, pig students who ‘worked hard’ for their credits and selfishly refused to share what they claim was ‘hard-earned’ and ‘rightfully theirs,’” an enthusiastic Bernie supporter explained. “Filthy credit hogs. Why can’t they understand fairness?”

Other candidates have also spoken about visiting AISU, but none have definite plans. Hillary Clinton has said that she would gladly speak to the women of AISU, but all white men are bigots, so she refuses to speak with them. However, her campaign says she will consider including the entire student body if Bernie Sanders thinks it’s a good idea.

Donald Trump has said that he is strongly opposed to speaking at an “International” school and that diversity is stupid and will kill America. He has also vowed that the wall he has promised along the nation’s southern border will keep out exchange students, exclaiming, “What on earth are we exchanging them with?”

When Ted Cruz was asked if he would speak at AISU, he said that he would, but only if the entire school was relocated to Texas.

John Kasich (or Kaisch) (or Kaisasich?) couldn’t be reached for comment, because reporters are not sure how to pronounce his name. However, Kasich did release a statement, saying, “I would just like to remind everyone that I am not Donald Trump.” And, “I think my long track record of not being Donald Trump speaks for itself.”

The Independent, Greenie, and Libertarian parties also spoke up on the subject, but nobody was listening.

Experts expect AISU to be a prime campaign spot leading up to the November election. In the meantime, a sizable faction of students are hopeful for a visit from their candidate of choice: the real Colonel Sanders, whose campaign slogan is “Fried Chicken for Everyone!”

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