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Shaun Barrowes Accidentally Makes New Single after Eating Year-Old Fiery Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell, Donates Proceeds to AISU Choirs and Lesser Schools

Murray, UT—On Monday, Shaun Barrowes (a singer/songwriter, famous to himself and possibly his mother), released a combination of sounds and his voice, along with someone else’s song, inside an album on Spotify called AISU Fundraiser. Every time these songs are played on this album, all proceeds go to the AISU choir program. The Daily Gravy strongly suggests opening the Spotify link in a new tab, clicking mute, and leaving it on repeat for the next month straight to support AISU’s choral program’s hoped-for trip Carnegie Hall this summer.

This act of kindness wasn’t completely out of character for Barrowes, who is known for “probably at least having his heart in the right place, most of the time.” What is seen as uncharacteristic about the act of kindness, however, is the “act” part. “We’re not used to Shaun acting [so quickly] on his good intentions,” said a person familiar with Barrowes’s previous experiences with AISU. “But we’re thankful for whatever inexplicable, supernatural forces are at work here.”

Experts, who are never satisfied with “inexplicable,” let alone “supernatural,” are still looking for a more rational explanation. Luckily for these experts, and for all of us, really, the Daily Gravy has done some of their signature detective reporting work, and has discovered what drove Barrowes to have enough work ethic to finish an entire song for AISU.

Sources reveal that somewhere in Shaun Barrowes’s “Shaun Cave” late Sunday night, the singer/songwriter was digging around in his “Shaun Fridge” when he found a leftover, partially-eaten Fiery Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell. Carbon dating of taco residue left in the fridge reveals that the taco was somewhere between 1 and 4 years old; in fact, scientists estimate that it may have been one of the first Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos ever sold by Taco Bell. When Shaun discovered it, there were a few bites taken out of the taco, and it is yet to be determined whether the bites were taken by Barrowes or one of the many dead wild animals found in the Shaun Cave. With that and only a few medium-sized green splotches reported to be on the half-soggy taco, Barrowes naturally ate it.

Of course, it is not unusual for Taco Bell food to be left half-eaten in the fridge. And, as typically happens when one actually finishes a meal from Taco Bell, Shaun Barrowes went into a state of delirium that overpowered his lack of responsibility and endowed him, temporarily, with the productivity of a middle-aged mother who wants her son to be an Eagle Scout but he hasn’t earned any merit badges since he was 12 and he turns 18 in just three months.

The result was the song “DragonGirl,” which Barrowes wrote and recorded in one night and got the idea to put it on Spotify and donate the proceeds to a school or institution of some kind. It was then that he noticed that the name of the song included a mascot from an institution where he once performed, though he wasn’t sure if that mascot was “Dragon” or “Girl.” After searching for some time to try to figure out which institution it could possibly be, he eventually narrowed it down to AISU, Helen Keller Elementary School, the Smile-Away Reformatory School from Phineas and Ferb, and the Autumn Park Assisted Living Center.

An advisor close to Barrowes (presumably his mother) suggested that AISU and the Smile Away Reformatory School are probably the same thing, and that residents of Autumn Park Assisted Living probably won’t know how Spotify works anyway. So Shaun Barrowes decided to make 2 separate versions of the song, both of which you should leave on mute: “DragonGirl (feat. AISU Choir)” and “DragonGirl (feat. Helen Keller Elementary School).” He put each in its own album, along with another song, “Edge of Loneliness,” which Barrowes did not write but reminded him of his feelings after consuming the Fiery Doritos Locos Taco. Barrowes also made versions for Kenyan and Filipino students, respectively, but it is being speculated that the proceeds will actually be given to these students in the form of Taco Bell food, and experts strongly advise against doing that to those innocent children.

Shaun and his mother did not respond to requests for comment, though The Daily Gravy did leave multiple messages informing them that Helen Keller Elementary is not a school for blind and deaf children, but it is yet to be seen if they will hear that clarification. In the meantime, clicking this link and keeping the spotify album on mute and on repeat and mute for the next month straight in a separate tab or window and telling others to do the same will help the AISU choirs fund their trip to Carnegie Hall. Creating multiple Spotify accounts for this purpose is not frowned upon but rather invited and glorified.

 

 

SPECIAL NOTE: ALL PROCEEDS FROM ANY PRODUCTS BOUGHT ON THE DAILY GRAVY ZAZZLE STORE WILL GO TO CARNEGIE HALL FUNDRAISING FOR AISU FROM NOW UNTIL NOV. 30!

CHECK OUT THE NEW Dragon Girl T-SHIRTS (all proceeds go to AISU’s Carnegie Hall trip, not children in 3rd world countries)!! 2 t-shirts available in any style: “I’m a AISU Dragon Girl” and “卡内基音乐厅

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EXCLUSIVE: AISU Choirs Getting Record-Level Sucking Out in Rehearsals

Murray, UT—The American International School of Utah (AISU) choral program came into this school year with an understandable sense of uncertainty. The legend that was Ms. Erica is gone; many of the most talented students transferred or graduated; and Kelly was fired, which brought general happiness levels to an all-time low throughout the school. Needless to say, the future didn’t seem too bright for the AISU choral program.

The only thing AISU choirs really got to look forward to this year was the new choir director, Ms. Houghton. Possibly even more overqualified than Ms. Erica was for this job, Ms. Houghton reportedly taught Ms. Erica everything she knows about choral directing—and that’s a lot. However, some experts have expressed a concern: Given Ms. Houghton’s amazingness, will the choirs still be able to get as much sucking out in rehearsals?

The AISU choirs’ well-known awesomeness has long been attributed to their ability to sound downright awful during rehearsals, so that by the time a performance came along, there was no suckiness left in the performers, leaving only pleasant sounds that impressed judges.

Would a talented director like Ms. Houghton be able to get her students to suck sufficiently during rehearsals to keep this tradition going? After almost four weeks of choir, this concern has been thoroughly settled, as choir members and spectators alike have been overwhelmed by the unexpected amount of sucking the choirs have been getting out already. One choir analyst reports, “The first week of choir, both choirs were sounding really nice. They had a great sound and blended well and seemed to be picking things up really quickly. So obviously, we were really concerned. Devastated, in fact. It crushed a lot of hopes that AISU would be able to compete again.” He continues, “Luckily, by the third week, both choirs had gotten back to it and are sucking at a much more acceptable rate! Based on how much they’re sucking, there’s a good chance they won’t have any sucking left by the time they compete at the upcoming Shakespeare Festival!”

A student from the tenor section added, “I can only speak for my section, but we’ve sucked so much already! Nobody can hold a part, we can’t stay in tune, and we couldn’t find our notes if our lives depended on it. In fact, we have so much trouble finding our notes that by the time we compete at Shakespeare next week, there won’t be any notes left besides the right ones! I’ve never been more optimistic about our progress. I think our section alone has gotten more sucking out over these first two weeks than probably any choir has at AISU so far.”

Ms. Houghton also commented, saying, “To be honest, I didn’t know the AISU choirs had this much sucking in them! Erica has told me stories and everything, of course, but I thought she was exaggerating!” She added, beaming, occasionally slipping into a Boston accent. “I’ve never heard a choir who has been able to get this much sucking out in rehearsals, and I’m very proud.”

Word of all this sucking has reached competition judges, who reportedly have responded by engraving “AISU” into all of their trophies and plaques, just to save time.

 

Buy your authentic “I got all the sucking out in rehearsals” AISU Performing Arts button pin HERE (comes in various sizes) (proceeds go to preservation of future awards AISU will undoubtedly win).

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Truthful and stylish

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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10 Reasons to Join Choir at AISU

1. Performing arts is a rite of passage at AISU.

At AISU, if you don’t participate in performing arts in some way, everyone secretly hates you. It’s true. So you might as well join choir, one of the least exclusive performing arts programs at the school!

2. No one will hear you mess up.

“But I can’t sing,” you say? Don’t worry. It’s a little-known fact that at any given time, 50% of a choir is singing the imperial march because they’ve forgotten their music. But have you noticed this at concerts or performances? Of course not, because everyone else was singing right, so nobody noticed. So unless you have a solo, the choir will sound good even if (even though) you don’t!

3. At any given time, you are surrounded by 50 students whom you can blame if something goes wrong.

If by any chance your mistakes do become audible, just glare a gesture conspicuously at the person next to you, and everyone will think he or she did it!

4. You can always lip-sync.

If you’re still afraid of messing up, just don’t sing! This is a very common choir strategy. In fact, the AISU chamber choir has lip-synced entire concerts before!

5. It’s the performing art that requires the least physical participation.

Dance is physically exhausting, as are theater and orchestra (unless you play the piccolo, then you don’t have to do anything) (please). In choir, all you have to do is move your mouth and sometimes let sounds out!

6. You’ll learn to love most of the songs you sing.

So next time your grandmother turns on her classical music, you can not completely hate it!

7. You’ll learn a lot of cool music you didn’t know before.

So not only will you not hate Grandma’s classical music, you can sing along!

8. Free T-shirt.

‘Nuff said.

9. When you do well, it makes the girls (and some guys) go crazy.

Whatever you’re into.

10.  It’s a great thing to put on your portfolio and college applications.

When colleges or potential employers see those magical words, “lip-synced in an award-winning choir at a small charter school,” they literally start to drool. Some of them will ask you to marry one of their children. But don’t accept this offer right away. If you play hard-to-get just a little, they will eventually ask you to marry ALL of their children—then you can have your pick.

BREAKING: Pleasant Grove Madrigals to Perform Same Piece as AISU Madrigals for Shakespeare Competition

AISU–According to information leaked to the Gravy, Pleasant Grove High School’s main performance piece for the upcoming Utah Shakespeare Festival will be “Il Est Bel Et Bon,” a piece familiar to the AISU Madrigals, because it’s also the finale piece AISU is planning to perform at the same festival.

 

Experts are calling it “a classic case of the if-you-can’t-beat-them-imitate-them strategy,” as Pleasant Grove was a perennial winner at the Shakespeare Madrigals Competition until last year, when newcomer AISU took first place.

 

Renaissance fans expected AISU to win the Madrigals Competition once again this year due to the difficulty level of “Il Est Bel Et Bon,” but now that it has become public knowledge that Pleasant Grove will also perform this piece, fans are concerned that AISU may actually have to put serious effort into the piece.

 

The news has also created a sense of urgency among AISU Madrigals, though they remain confident in their patented “get all the sucking out in rehearsal” technique. “This technique is exactly what earned us first place last year, and we’ve been following it to the letter up to this point,” AISU tenor Aathaven Tharmarajah said. “There’s no way anyone has gotten more sucking out than we have.”

 

“We even held a Saturday rehearsal last week,” an anonymous AISU alto added. “I wasn’t there, but I’m sure whoever attended got a whole lot of sucking out.”

 

Some members are less confident, however. “I’m not sure we’ve gotten enough sucking out during rehearsals to be the best we can be,” said AISU baritone Jarron Carlson. “I mean, we’ve definitely sucked a lot, but I feel like there’s so much more sucking we still need to get out. I just think we should all take it to the next level by singing poorly at home, during our free time, if that’s what it takes to be the best.”

 

In an attempt to increase their level of rehearsal sucking, AISU Madrigals have been holding lunchtime rehearsals since the school year started. The strategy appears to be to force singers into an involuntary fast, which experts say not only increases the spirituality of the choir but also allows the singers to rehearse on empty stomachs, thus enabling them to suck even more.

 

For their part, Pleasant Grove officials have not yet leaked any further information about the competition, and repeated attempts by the Gravy to trick them into divulging something have been unsuccessful. AISU’s Madrigals have said that whatever happens, they will stick to the original plan of performing “Il Est Bel Et Bon” and “freaking winning.” They will also be getting extra sucking out over the weekend individually and are planning on having all of the sucking out by the Shakespeare Festival Competition on October 6–8. The AISU Madrigals will also visit the State Capitol building to showcase their pieces Monday, October 3.

Symphonic Chorale Seating Chart “a Gaping Hole in AISU’s Nondiscrimination Reputation,” Critics Claim

AISU—On Thursday, September 15, the American International School of Utah’s Symphonic Chorale sent out an email to members containing the first rotating seating chart of the 2016-17 school year. This seating chart has since been leaked to the public and “torn apart” by critics, who say the seating chart is “extremely discriminatory” and “undeniably segregatory.” Perhaps most shocking is the critics’ assertion that the seating chart reveals a “gaping hole in AISU’s Nondiscrimination Reputation,” primarily because most students were unaware the school had such a reputation.

Critics of the seating chart are calling it “the most segregatory spreadsheet since the United States were separated in the Civil War through an Excel document” citing how the seating chart separates students by gender, what part they sing, first letter in their first name, and household income. “This is despicable,” one critic said. “It is by far the most discriminatory image to be on a screen since D.W. Griffith’s The Birth of a Nation in 1915 or Woody Harrelson’s White Men Can’t Jump in 1992.”

“I feel like I’m literally being told where to sit based on things I have no control over, like my age, gender, or vocal range,” said an anonymous student. “I feel like I have no choice in the matter and I really can’t handle that. I have to get exactly what I want whenever I want it, all the time. It’s just not fair when I don’t.”

To further the discrimination, the spreadsheet displays some students’ names in bold and some in italics, indicating those students are “more musically gifted” and therefore placed in advanced classes. “I feel extremely discriminated against when I see the names of these other students getting special treatment when all they do is work harder than I do,” another anonymous student said. “And I can’t figure out any logical reason to bold Chamber Choir members in a Symphonic Chorale spreadsheet, not to mention why some of them are bolded and some are italicized, and I refuse to ask anyone who might know the answer.”

“I have to get exactly what I want whenever I want it, all the time. It’s just not fair when I don’t.”

Symphonic Chorale representatives defend the seating chart, explaining that arranging choir members by gender and voice is a common practice, but once the word “discrimination” has been used and comparisons have been made to a D.W. Griffith movie, there’s really nothing anyone can do. Offended students are now threatening to boycott Chorale performances and kneel whenever they hear the Chorale sing. School officials have not responded to invitations to comment, and we are beginning to think they have blocked emails from us after we decided to send them free grammar and spelling tips after each of their mass emails. The school has, however begun to use the term “Nondiscrimination Reputation” in marketing and public relations campaigns, mainly because it’s “fun to say.”

AISU Fight Song: Brand New School

Sung to the tune of “Grand Old Flag”

 

We’re a brand new school,

We are AISU.

We sing songs and we play instruments.

We don’t really know

How our sports teams do,

But in Arts we Perform winningness.

Ev’ry heart beats true

‘Neath the Red, White, and Blue.

We do everything better than you.

Though graduating be o’erlooked

Stand and shout for AISU!

 

We’re the best darn school,

We are AISU.

We sing songs and we play instruments.

Kate Youman says,

“We have STEM here too.”

But on that point we fake ignorance.

Ev’ry heart beats true

‘Neath the Red, White, and Blue,

Where there’s ne’er any work that you do.

Though A and B days get mixed up,

Stand and shout for AISU!

 

Include misc. cheers and chants (e.g. Ra-Ra-Sish-Boom-Ba and/or Gooooo Dragons!) with drum rolls at appropriate times.

Judges Award AISU’s Choir and Orchestra Highest Rating, Pleads with Them to Not Perform

Park City, UT – Just days before the Regional Large Ensemble Festival, judges have already announced that the American International School of Utah will receive the highest possible score, an announcement which comes as a surprise to no one, considering AISU has won 1st place in all of their performing arts competitions this school year. In light of this decision, the judges have also asked the AISU Symphonic Chorale and Orchestra to not perform at the regional festival, and to “just practice really hard until state.”

“At this point,” one judge explained, “actually hearing them perform would be little more than a formality and, frankly, a waste of time. Better to use that time for practice, because rumor has it that their rehearsals have sounded awful lately.”

AISU’s performing arts director seemed indifferent when told about the announcement, saying, “That’s our established, tried-and-true pattern: day after day of simply devastating and disastrous rehearsals, after which we miraculously pull it together at the last minute and walk away with the highest score. It’s the model we’ve followed for two years now; the judges’ early decision is a simple acknowledgement of reality.”

However, despite the judges’ pleadings, the school’s choir and orchestra directors have said that they would like to perform in the festival anyway. “Of course we knew we’d receive the highest score,” both directors said simultaneously, in two-part harmony. “But part of the fun of the festival is hearing the contrast between rehearsals, where we sound like we’re throwing bags of trumpet-playing cats against the wall, and the performance, where we somehow sound amazing and trash all the other schools.”

Apparently, other high schools were also expecting AISU to receive the highest score. “Of course we tell our students that we think they have a chance,” one rival director said. “But we know deep down—and I’m sure they suspect as well—that we’re all just fighting for second place. So we welcome the judges’ decision; it allows us to focus on our real goal, without having to pretend that we expect to win.” Some schools, however, said they were planning to imitate AISU’s technique, which experts are now calling the “get all the sucking out in rehearsals” approach. “I think we could have won this year,” one director lamented, “because as off-key and off-tempo as AISU sounds in their rehearsals, we sound even worse!” Lawyers for AISU say that a patent for the “get all the sucking out in rehearsals” technique is pending, and in the future other ensembles will not be able to copy it without paying huge royalty fees and crediting AISU at the end of each performance.

The judges have yet to award AISU with the highest score possible in the state festival for either small ensemble or large ensemble, but experts expect both of those announcements to be released very soon. For details on scores, spoilers, choir competitions, and deadly, man-eating, hairy spiders, the public is invited to visit UHSAA.org and fall in the deep hole of despair that is the navigation of that site. Studies show that it’s really hard to navigate. Festival organizers say they have deployed emergency response personnel and multiple search-and-rescue teams to be on hand in case anyone tries to visit the website. However, public health officials warn that anyone planning to navigate the site should first see that their life insurance premiums have been fully paid. They also remind the public that AISU always wins these competitions and receives the highest possible score, so visiting the site may not actually be necessary. As one official said, “We strongly encourage judges to continue the pattern of awarding AISU the highest score in advance, so that people don’t need to look up the scores on the website. Their decision has literally saved countless lives.”

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