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Shaun Barrowes Accidentally Makes New Single after Eating Year-Old Fiery Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell, Donates Proceeds to AISU Choirs and Lesser Schools

Murray, UT—On Monday, Shaun Barrowes (a singer/songwriter, famous to himself and possibly his mother), released a combination of sounds and his voice, along with someone else’s song, inside an album on Spotify called AISU Fundraiser. Every time these songs are played on this album, all proceeds go to the AISU choir program. The Daily Gravy strongly suggests opening the Spotify link in a new tab, clicking mute, and leaving it on repeat for the next month straight to support AISU’s choral program’s hoped-for trip Carnegie Hall this summer.

This act of kindness wasn’t completely out of character for Barrowes, who is known for “probably at least having his heart in the right place, most of the time.” What is seen as uncharacteristic about the act of kindness, however, is the “act” part. “We’re not used to Shaun acting [so quickly] on his good intentions,” said a person familiar with Barrowes’s previous experiences with AISU. “But we’re thankful for whatever inexplicable, supernatural forces are at work here.”

Experts, who are never satisfied with “inexplicable,” let alone “supernatural,” are still looking for a more rational explanation. Luckily for these experts, and for all of us, really, the Daily Gravy has done some of their signature detective reporting work, and has discovered what drove Barrowes to have enough work ethic to finish an entire song for AISU.

Sources reveal that somewhere in Shaun Barrowes’s “Shaun Cave” late Sunday night, the singer/songwriter was digging around in his “Shaun Fridge” when he found a leftover, partially-eaten Fiery Doritos Locos Taco from Taco Bell. Carbon dating of taco residue left in the fridge reveals that the taco was somewhere between 1 and 4 years old; in fact, scientists estimate that it may have been one of the first Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos ever sold by Taco Bell. When Shaun discovered it, there were a few bites taken out of the taco, and it is yet to be determined whether the bites were taken by Barrowes or one of the many dead wild animals found in the Shaun Cave. With that and only a few medium-sized green splotches reported to be on the half-soggy taco, Barrowes naturally ate it.

Of course, it is not unusual for Taco Bell food to be left half-eaten in the fridge. And, as typically happens when one actually finishes a meal from Taco Bell, Shaun Barrowes went into a state of delirium that overpowered his lack of responsibility and endowed him, temporarily, with the productivity of a middle-aged mother who wants her son to be an Eagle Scout but he hasn’t earned any merit badges since he was 12 and he turns 18 in just three months.

The result was the song “DragonGirl,” which Barrowes wrote and recorded in one night and got the idea to put it on Spotify and donate the proceeds to a school or institution of some kind. It was then that he noticed that the name of the song included a mascot from an institution where he once performed, though he wasn’t sure if that mascot was “Dragon” or “Girl.” After searching for some time to try to figure out which institution it could possibly be, he eventually narrowed it down to AISU, Helen Keller Elementary School, the Smile-Away Reformatory School from Phineas and Ferb, and the Autumn Park Assisted Living Center.

An advisor close to Barrowes (presumably his mother) suggested that AISU and the Smile Away Reformatory School are probably the same thing, and that residents of Autumn Park Assisted Living probably won’t know how Spotify works anyway. So Shaun Barrowes decided to make 2 separate versions of the song, both of which you should leave on mute: “DragonGirl (feat. AISU Choir)” and “DragonGirl (feat. Helen Keller Elementary School).” He put each in its own album, along with another song, “Edge of Loneliness,” which Barrowes did not write but reminded him of his feelings after consuming the Fiery Doritos Locos Taco. Barrowes also made versions for Kenyan and Filipino students, respectively, but it is being speculated that the proceeds will actually be given to these students in the form of Taco Bell food, and experts strongly advise against doing that to those innocent children.

Shaun and his mother did not respond to requests for comment, though The Daily Gravy did leave multiple messages informing them that Helen Keller Elementary is not a school for blind and deaf children, but it is yet to be seen if they will hear that clarification. In the meantime, clicking this link and keeping the spotify album on mute and on repeat and mute for the next month straight in a separate tab or window and telling others to do the same will help the AISU choirs fund their trip to Carnegie Hall. Creating multiple Spotify accounts for this purpose is not frowned upon but rather invited and glorified.

 

 

SPECIAL NOTE: ALL PROCEEDS FROM ANY PRODUCTS BOUGHT ON THE DAILY GRAVY ZAZZLE STORE WILL GO TO CARNEGIE HALL FUNDRAISING FOR AISU FROM NOW UNTIL NOV. 30!

CHECK OUT THE NEW Dragon Girl T-SHIRTS (all proceeds go to AISU’s Carnegie Hall trip, not children in 3rd world countries)!! 2 t-shirts available in any style: “I’m a AISU Dragon Girl” and “卡内基音乐厅

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Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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AISU May Have Connections with Secret Society, Conspiracy Theorists Say

By Guest Writer James Delliskave, Middle School Historian and Professional Endless Pit of Useless Knowledge

AISU – Extensive research by the AISU Society of Conspiracy Theorists (ASCT) suggests that the school might have connections with “Laudramosia Santacei Dieminium” or LSD, a secret society dedicated to the preservation of useless knowledge and the destruction of important knowledge. Based on this research, which gives no solid evidence that any AISU teachers are members of the society, the ASCT has concluded that every teacher is a member and we should trust no one.

Never daunted by lack of evidence, the ASCT listed the following points in defense of its claims:

School Mascot: AISU’s mascot is a seemingly harmless, red Chinese cut-paper dragon. According to the president of the ASCT (who requested that his real name not be used in this article because “you-know-who might be reading it” and instead asked to be referred to as Captain Reality), the red dragon mascot clearly implicates AISU’s LSD connections. “Red is the color of the clothing worn in the LSD’s secret ceremonies,” Captain Reality explained. “It is also an ancient Chinese symbol of good luck. And the dragon represents drug use (think “Puff the Magic Dragon”), a clear connection to LSD, which of course is also the name of a drug.” The LSD was supposedly founded in China in AD 295 as the Society of Great Learners. It was later brought to Rome, where it came to be known as the Chocolate-Chip Champions and eventually renamed to the more serious-sounding Laudramosia Santacei Dieminium. In the palace of Tep-Shaing-Lai in Beijing, where the LSD was founded, there is a floor mosaic that bears vague resemblance to the AISU dragon logo, though others claim it looks more like a giant chocolate-chip cookie.

School Architecture: According to the ASCT, several architectural elements of AISU’s facilities are similar to those found in the “Great House of Knowledge,” the LSD’s current headquarters. The Great House of Knowledge, for example, reportedly has mirrors and huge glass windows, similar to those found in AISU’s atrium. In addition, the way the seats are organized in AISU is remarkably similar to the setup in the “meditation room,” where people meditate and where most company parties are held. Other similarities include the use of tile in the bathrooms, carpeted stairways, and fluorescent lighting, all of which are known features of the Great House of Knowledge. “Clearly,” Captain Reality says, “whoever designed AISU’s facilities had LSD headquarters in mind.”

References to Members: There are multiple references to artistic members of the LSD within the AISU building. The most obvious references are the “da Vinci” and “Frida” studios. They are named after artists Edwardo da Vinci and Mikhal Frida, both of whom were suspected members of the LSD. The entrance to the High School features a quote by Barn Johan Freaking Wolfgang von Goethe, who, as everyone knows, was also a member of the LSD. And many of the songs in the performing arts department’s concert set were composed by members of the LSD, including Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Leonard “Feel the Bernstein” Bernstein, Claudio “Da Bomb” Monteverdi, and the Baby Einsteins.

Tests: SAGE testing was founded by the LSD for the purpose of destroying all happiness forever. Captain Reality explains that this is why so many teachers are in favor of SAGE testing, “because they are obviously members of the LSD. There is no other logical explanation why someone would like SAGE tests.” The LSD has a department called the “Society of Jesters,” who claims responsibility for SAGE testing, April Fool’s Day, and Groundhog Day, although the ASCT believes Groundhog Day to be the brainchild of the devil. The Society of Jesters reportedly also presented to the national school board the idea of eternal sadness for everyone, and of course, the school board loved it.

3.0: The changes AISU has announced for the school’s third year are eerily similar to practices of LSD, and ASCT says that AISU 3.0 is the school’s first step in “operating exactly as LSD operates so that AISU can one day become an official chapter of the LSD.” The ASCT has also said that AISU’s 3.0 Launch Party was “practically a confession, and an LSD welcoming party.” For example, LSD has held meetings on an A/B schedule since 1866, they consider a “work day” do last from 8:30 am to 3:30 pm, their meetings have always been approximately 80 minutes long, they have never believed in effective programs and refuse to do anything that makes sense, they hate consistency, and their buildings have never had water fountains, to name a few. The ASCT says that “if AISU actually wanted to make their education system better, they would have had a Monday/Wednesday/Friday and Tuesday/Thursday schedule, kept the school day the same length, made classes shorter as opposed to longer, and given out free French fries in between classes. Nobody would make such ridiculous and inefficient changes unless they had ulterior motives.”

The ASCT hopes their investigative exposé will open students’ eyes to the secret symbols controlling their education. The ASCT will be holding classes to educate students about these harmful organizations, how to fight them, and how to make a mean chicken noodle soup from scratch on A days from 8:30 – 9:50 in the atrium.

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

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