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Ekim Hpmuts

The Daily Gravy Essential Back-to-School Shopping List

It’s not too late to finish up your back-to-school shopping before the first trimester starts! Because the Daily Gravy loves you and wants what’s best for you, we have provided below the essential back-to-school shopping list for all your AISU 2017-18 school year needs! Sponsored by Wal-Mart.

 

  • Whooping cough vaccinations

After last year’s outbreak at AISU, the official slogan for pertussis vaccinations changed from “It’s worth getting autism” to the more relevant “Vaccinate your students, or you’ll get fired from your own school, Ms. Erica will leave, your brothers will also get fired, Kelly will get fired, everyone will die inside, and eventually the school you created with so much hope and potential will be converted to the new county jail.”

 

  • Academic Edgeiblity™ forms by Ekim Hpmuts

Remember last year when the school cracked down on Academic Eligibility forms, which students had to turn in before participating in school activities? Well this year, students can skip the hassle of actually achieving academic eligibility and purchase one of these new Academic Edgeibility™ forms, which teach students the important life lessons that money is more important that qualifications, that buying something is an acceptable alternative to working for it, and that anything worth having is worth paying for (not figuratively but in a literal, monetary sense). Who knows, someday our students may apply these lessons and become President of the United States.

 

  • Crayons

No school year is complete without this classic necessity. Although AISU is mostly Chromebook-based, crayons are still important for scribbling cryptic images on the walls and drawing stick figures of your favorite staff members for them to hang on their refrigerators at home.

 

  • Kelly

Everybody knows that no school year would be complete without our favorite Kelly Casaday. He is by far the most important item on this list.

 

  • 3 extra Chromebook chargers

Because you’ll lose one of them, one of them is going to break, and one will probably be stolen by your creepy neighbor’s garden gnomes.

 

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Give fashion a try™

Show your love for (almost) everyone’s favorite superduperintendent and turn heads with this fashionable attire! Available in a variety of custom clothing items on zazzle.com (note: choose a dark color for best results). Get the t-shirt HERE. All proceeds go to Zazzle and the Find the Farleys charity program. (Or get a less stylish, discounted version HERE, if your love for Mike Farley is bound by monetary restrictions).

 

  • Edible food

Without Greg as our head lunch lady, school lunches are sure to be extra-inedible this coming year. Get ahead of the game by purchasing your own edible food, such as hot Cheetos and Coca-Cola.

 

This concludes the Daily Gravy’s essential back-to-school shopping list. Failure to purchase any of these items, and the attendant consequences, are now squarely on you.

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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Mike Stumph Reaches Out to Jacksonville Jaguars, Offers to Play “All Positions”

Jacksonville, FL – As many NFL fans know, the Super Bowl 50 Champion Denver Broncos are looking to fill the large void left by retiring QB legend and G.O.A.T. Peyton Manning and spoiled brat and giant man Brock Whatshisface. What many fans do not know is that the Jacksonville Jaguars have been looking to fill voids in all positions—on offense and defense—for many years now, to absolutely no avail.

Fortunately for the Jaguars, help has arrived, and in a very tall way. Just days before the NFL draft, Mike Stumph, the American International School of Utah’s hall monitor and athletic director, who is at least 6’5”, has reportedly offered to play “all positions” for Jacksonville, effective immediately.

According to Mike’s agent, Ekim Hpmuts, Mike is “overly qualified” to play every position on the Jaguars’ roster, due to the fact that he has never lost an NFL game, he is moderately tall, he has a coffee maker in his office, he has successfully sent at least 6 students back to class in the past year, and he hasn’t had a serious injury in 8 years.

Sources say the Jaguars are leaning toward using each of their picks in the upcoming draft to select Stumph, saying that he is “currently our best option,” especially since he is, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, “the only person in the history of football to ever want to play for the Jaguars.”

Mike Stumph has also reached out to the Raiders, but they were reportedly too busy celebrating last season’s 7-9 record and didn’t hear the phone ring. NFL analysts predict that if Stumph were to join either team, the fan base would increase significantly—by a solid “1 million percent” because “it doesn’t matter how much you multiply zero by, it always equals, like, a million or something.”

The only foreseeable downside to this arrangement for the Jaguars is that if Stumph ever suffers an injury, Jacksonville will lose all of its starters at once. However, Mike has made known to Jacksonville’s front office via Twitter that he has “almost superhuman” stamina, agility, and strength. He also cites his “unearthly” team spirit, even on a team like the Jaguars.

Attempts to contact Jaguar fans for reaction were unsuccessful, though some fans of Jaguar brand automobiles were available for comment. Mostly they seemed confused by the question and surprised that Jacksonville was still fielding a football team. Stumph, for his part, plans to change the perception surrounding his new team. “I intend to help the Jaguars make a name for themselves in the NFL,” he said in a prepared statement. “And that name, of course, will be Mike Stumph.”

Photo Credit: Jackson Keys, Google, and Facebook.

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