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The Daily Gravy Fact Checker, Vol. 1

The Daily Gravy Fact Checker is a fact checker that checks “facts” that have anything to do with AISU, someone currently or once affiliated with AISU, or something said in the vicinity of AISU and overheard by someone at AISU. These “facts” are checked through a vigorous scientific checking process that you wouldn’t understand. So let’s get on with it:

1. Ex-superduperintendent (and hopefully future superduperintendent) Mike Farley said in his town hall Q&A that the school will still survive and will continue to be a place that fosters creativity, talent, and bad cafeteria food. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a PARTIAL LIE. The Daily Gravy has confirmed on multiple occasions that AISU will likely not survive, especially without Mike Farley, and that it will definitely stop fostering creativity and talent. Professional statistics and stuff show that, without Mike Farley (let alone Kelly Casaday, Steve Farley, and Steve’s clone, Greg), AISU is on the path to becoming very similar to the Smile Away Reformatory School from Phineas and Ferb, except with a better performing arts program, assuming Dr. Sarah doesn’t jump ship. It is true, however, that the cafeteria food will continue to be bad, most likely.

2. Russell Westbrook, the 2017 NBA MVP, claims that he once used an AISU toenail clipper (designed and created by AISU legend Kelly Casaday) to clip his the nails of his Maltese The Brodie. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. First off, why would Russell Westbrook lie about that? Secondly, we’ve seen pictures of The Brodie, and that toenail perfection can only be achieved by the unique clipping capabilities of the exclusive AISU toenail clipper.

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Russell Westbrook and his Maltese, The Brodie. That toenail perfection can only be achieved with the limited-edition AISU toenail clipper.

3. A member of the school board claimed during a recent community meeting that neither she nor the rest of the school board knew that the minutes of the board meetings were not being posted online. She also claimed that she had recently brushed her teeth. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a BLATANT DOUBLE LIE. The Daily Gravy has sent multiple ambassadors to AISU board of directors meetings since December 2016 for the sole purpose of informing them that their minutes had not been posted online, even though this is both customary and required by law. Though the meetings were nearly impossible to attend (thanks to the illegal uncooperativeness of the school board), and the board was not very good at listening to our information, our loyal and intrepid representatives (caring parents of students) are true warriors, so they somehow attended the meetings anyway and got the message to the board multiple times. It is therefore impossible for the board not to have known that the minutes were not being posted. Also, it is common knowledge that the board prioritizes the students’ well-being over basic dental hygiene, and since they have definitely not been focusing on students’ well-being at all over the past several months, there is no possible way they could have even touched their Oral-B Pro 7000 SmartSeries Black Electronic Power Rechargeable Toothbrush with Bluetooth Connectivity Powered by Braun yet.

4. AISU luminary Mike Farley has said that he cares deeply for the students and staff and administration members and wants more than anything to see us succeed. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be a TRUTH. In fact, truer words have never been said.

5. Rudy Gobert, the best center in the NBA and an acknowledged Frenchman, hoping to revive the spirits of the AISU community while they witness AISU’s downfall, plans to purchase AISU in the near future and immediately reinstate the Farleys and Kelly. The Daily Gravy Fact Checker has determined this to be CURRENTLY INDISCERNIBLE, BUT HOPEFULLY TRUE. Sometimes, all you have is hope. And at those times, you must cling tenaciously to that hope, slim though it may be. If this does happen, though, it is almost certain that Gobert will rename AISU “the Rudy Gobert School of French, Blocking Shots, and Cryptic Hair Designs” or “RGSFBSCHD” for short. It is also widely believed that the new name will not change how the school operates, except that it is likely to place greater emphasis on not doing stupid things. So far, Gobert has been reticent when asked whether he plans to buy AISU, in some cases denying that he has ever heard of the school. However, the Daily Gravy Fact Checker has confirmed that during a recent, supposedly unrelated press conference, Gobert clearly blinked at exactly the 49.98 second mark and then nodded his head slightly. This subtle but undeniable hint is what the AISU community is currently hitching its hopes to. Yep, that’s the state of things.

This has been the Daily Gravy Fact Checker, Vol. 1. If you or your diabetic gecko have anything pertaining to AISU or not pertaining to AISU that you want checked for facts, email us at askgravy@gmail.com. If you cannot email us because you have PTSD from the urgent alone email thread or the sitting-on-the-floor email thread, you may comment below. Thank you.

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Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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Exclusive: I Totally Love Everything You Love

By Guest Writer Hillary Clinton

 

Good morning, AISU students and staff! Good to talk to you, my fam! Like I always say, you’re tied for the best with everyone else. I heard that some Jerry Gonson or something wrote an exclusive article for your newspaper, so I thought it’d make a good impression if a real presidential candidate wrote an exclusive article for this paper, too!

 

I’d just like to start by saying you guys are my favorite current students and staff members of the American International School of Utah, especially those of you who are eligible to vote in this country! I think everything about you is super great! Some of you may have heard about the outrageous, unconfirmed reports of hacked emails between myself and my campaign manager in which I was misquoted as saying something like “AISU students are super great, unless they support Donald Trump, then they’re blabbering idiots whose mouths should be cleaned out with a toilet brush.” Now, first I want to say that if this email can be proven to be mine—and I’m not saying it can—then it is being taken entirely out of context. Also, if by chance it can be proven that it is not taken out of context I admit that it was wrong to say those things in that particular way. Not that such a statement is completely incorrect, but it isn’t very nice, and I admit I was unintentionally, harmlessly wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, after all, especially Trump supporters.

 

Now, back to establishing our common interests: I love your school’s performing arts program. I think the achievements you’ve accomplished have been well earned. I also love, as I understand you do, your beautiful warm-ups and vocal exercises. My personal favorite would have to be the one that goes, “Why shouldn’t my goose grow as fast as thy goose, when I payed for my goose twice as much as thine?” I especially like this because it touches on the subject of economic inequalities, a topic I have been specifically focused on since it got Bernie Sanders so many supporters.

 

As far as curricula go, your school has had many over the past three years of the school’s existence. I don’t think any one curriculum is necessarily better than another; they just speak to people at different levels. I think 3.0 was good, if you think it was good, but if you think it sucked, then I also firmly believe it sucked. I think that there are good things and bad things about your many curricula, and my opinion on which is better or what the school should do next differs depending on who I’m talking to. Let’s just say the answer is “I agree with your opinion and, as a matter of fact, I was thinking that same thing too.”

 

Robotics are super cool, unless you think they’re nerdy, then that’s clearly what they are. I think sports are overrated, except in cases when they are good. The cafeteria food is gross and unhealthy, unless you decide it’s better than nothing, in which case you’re right. Mike Stumph is a cool cat, but if you think he isn’t, then neither do I. AISU is a very good school, except for the parts you as an individual don’t like about it. Those parts are the worst.

 

So as you can see, you and I have many things in common. Pretty much everything, for that matter. We clearly agree on all the issues, even the things that aren’t really issues, but just little things in your personal life. So what other reason could there possibly be to run to the ballots and vote for me? Oh, that’s right, I’m not Donald Trump.

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