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Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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A Tribute Article to AISU’s Class of 2016: See You Next Year! Oh, Wait. Never Mind.

AISU—Tonight, AISU seniors who have earned all necessary credits will graduate and receive a one-way ticket to the “real world.” The question rises, however, about what these new adults will do with their newfound freedom mingled with burdensome responsibilities. Many graduating seniors (some after a “gap year” or an LDS mission) are choosing to go to a university or mental institution, but more adventurous students have other plans. Some of the post–high school plans of these adventurous students (whose names have been changed to protect the innocent) include:

 

Alex Thomasson: Train to become a professional goofball for Google, Inc.

 

Tristan Pill: Open a “Happy Hip-Hop Homies” all-girls dance academy

 

Pherica Air: Start a nonprofit dedicated to teaching underprivileged wild animals how to paint pictures of lollipops and bubblegum for their mothers

 

Ostrich Huntergaard: Train Alex Thomasson to become professional goofball

 

Java-ier: Win 50 consecutive People’s Choice Awards and beat Trump in the 2016 election.

 

BeLisa Hoax: Start planning reunions

 

Eon Hair: Start planning to not attend reunions

 

Sandra Bagstaff: Become a civil rights activist for the vertically challenged

 

Silly Narsden: Start a classical metal band called “Beethovenian Beelzebub” or “Baroquen Mirrors” or “My Chemical Romantic Era” or something like that

 

Salutatorian: Become the best and most popular inspirational speaker in the history of the world

 

Valedictorian: Get all teeth knocked out ASAP

 

The AISU Daily Gravy wishes luck, happiness, and free cars to this year’s graduating seniors. Good luck to all of you with this whole “life” thing. It can be pretty tough sometimes. Luckily for you, though, you don’t have to endure through the birthing pains of AISU 3.0, so you should consider yourselves extremely lucky. You really dodged an enormous, exploding, kryptonite bullet by graduating this year. We all envy you for that. We love you guys, and we hope to see you again often down the road. Good luck and be happy! Go rock at whatever it is you’re going to be doing! Way to be!
Lots of love, the Daily Gravy

AISU 4.0 Plans Leaked

AISU – The American International School of Utah has baffled students, parents, and mental institutions with its recently announced “3.0” changes to be implemented for the school’s third year. These include, to name a few, an inefficient-by-nature A/B schedule (especially disruptive for students with “flex schedules”), 80-minute classes (about 80 times longer than the average teenager’s attention span), an earlier start and later end to the school day (inconsiderate of commuter students), integrated classes that will force students who are ahead in certain subjects to do completed work again, crew in the middle of the day, two high school lunches to minimize socializing, among other terrible things.

Students hardly had time to recover emotionally from the 3.0 announcement, however, before potential plans for changes in AISU’s fourth year were leaked through fuzzy images on the Internet. Details are sketchy, but they reportedly include an A/B/C/D/E schedule (or “alphabet schedule”) to fit more classes per trimester. Also, in response to complaints from commuter students, the school day is to be extended even further—beginning at 7:00 a.m. and ending at 6:30 p.m., thus avoiding both the morning and evening rush hours. Saturdays would be added to the school week as a mandatory “bonus learning” day. The two high school lunches are to be eliminated, and instead students will only have lunch on one day each week, depending on their crew, which will meet for 2 minutes and 34 seconds per day.

The leaked 4.0 information also included clues that led investigators to confidential drafts of AISU “5.0,” which they say they found hidden under a pile of granola bars on Mr. Justis’s desk. For 5.0, the “alphabet schedule” will include all letters of the alphabet, giving students 26 days between classes. Weekends, holidays, and breaks will be eliminated, because “what did the students do to earn a ‘break’?” There will not be a lunch and food will not be permitted; instead, all students will participate in a “school-wide fast” for education. The “crew leader” position will be terminated, and all crews will be led by Bill Glad via Skype for 30 seconds every half hour.

As surprising as these changes may be, they apparently are only the beginning. Investigators found that when the plans for 5.0 were translated into Latin, read backwards, then translated back into English, they revealed a rough draft for plans for AISU 6.0, which reportedly will include a schedule based not on the English alphabet but on a variety of factors, including the outdoor temperature, the air quality, a “wheel of academic fortune” spun by local celebrities, the amount of rainfall in the Amazon rainforest, the crime rate in Los Angeles, the “rollback” sales at Wal-Mart, and what Mr. Farley had for breakfast the day before. Under this schedule, students will never have the same class twice and will be “kept on their toes” regarding their education.

The school day for 6.0 will last for 24 hours, 7 days a week, 365 1/4 days a year, and each class will last 48 hours. If students wish to eat, they are required to watch a video of someone taking a bowl of rice away from a starving child in Africa while doing so. Crews will be disintegrated, and students will meet individually with Bill Glad at random times every day for a presentation about stress, sleep deprivation, fear, and other conditions caused by the school.

Students have responded by comparing the successive changes to the worsening of recent iPhone models. School officials would not confirm the veracity of the leaked information; however, they called the iPhone comparison “very insulting, but fair.”

Unsuspecting Student Accidentally Watches AISU School News, Comes Clean

AISU – A pure-intentioned, anonymous student turned herself in to authorities yesterday, confessing to having watched AISU Morning News, though she insists it was an accident.

 

The student, who spoke with the media on conditions of anonymity, claims to have been attempting to permanently delete the “urgent allone” thread in her school email when an unfamiliar message titled “AISU Morning News” showed up in her inbox. The student claims to have ignored it at first, as would every self-respecting person, but at that exact moment, her computer froze. “So I did what I always do in that situation,” said the student, “I randomly moved my mouse all over the screen and clicked everywhere a million times until it worked.”

 

However, once the mouse-moving and click spamming did work, the student found that she had inadvertently opened the AISU School News email and started to play it. “I was terrified,” said the student, who is believed to be the only person to ever watch the school news without being featured in it.

 

“I thought I would never be treated as normal anymore. … I was sure I would never be able to live this down.”

 

The student said she worried about what people would think about her if they found out what had happened. “I thought I would never be treated as normal anymore. I was afraid I would be known as ‘the girl who watched the school news’ for the rest of my life. I was sure I would never be able to live this down.”

 

She says her first reaction was to cover up her mistake. “I thought about hiding it. I could delete my history, never tell anyone, and nobody would have to know,” she said. “Unfortunately, Mike was standing right behind me at that moment, and he saw what I was doing. He said he wouldn’t tell anyone, but I knew he thought differently of me immediately.”

 

“So I knew what I had to do. I had to come clean. I thought that if I didn’t tell my side of the story, rumors would start, and the more I let the rumor spread, the more corrupted it would get, you know?” Said the victim, “And besides, it was an innocent mistake, and even though that doesn’t make me feel any better about seeing it, it did make it easier to come clean.”

 

This victim of school news videos says she has now opened a completely anonymous 12-step school news viewing recovery program, so that people can get help without facing public ridicule. She has also started a petition asking that the AISU school news emails not be sent to minors without parental consent. She’s already earning praise for her efforts. “This young lady is an excellent example of accomplishing great things despite social damnation to make the world a better and safer place,”says school psychologist Barbara Walters, herself a recovering news-watcher. “She is a role model to victims of the school news everywhere.”

AISU Sports Teams Claim to Actually Participate in Games

Murray, UT—Despite their insistence that they regularly compete in exciting, closely contested games, the AISU soccer and baseball teams are now trying to downplay rumors that these games are entirely fabricated.

 

One anonymous soccer player is quoted as saying, “How many times do I have to say it? … We really do play soccer games against other teams, and several of them are ridiculously exciting. All the doubters out there should come see for themselves.’”

 

One of the soccer team’s “fans” (which is believed to only be a sock puppet controlled by a member of the soccer team) added, (in an exaggerated high-pitched voice), “I have been to every soccer game this year, and I can attest that they actually happened. Soccer was played on multiple occasions, and in many cases the games were, in fact, fun to watch.”

 

At their latest press conference, the baseball team is on record as saying, “We run a very clean and professional team that has been singled out due to our unrealistically exciting games … it’s just not fair. We’re sick and tired of these allegations and we’re going to do everything we can to fight them. They’re absolutely untrue.”

 

A lack of eye-witnesses is one reason the public is so skeptical that these games have taken place. So far, no one outside the athletic department, other than the sock puppet, has been willing to come forward to corroborate the teams’ claims.

 

The rumors vary by source, with some kids saying that instead of competing against other teams in actual games, the athletes invent dramatic stories about their accomplishments and spread them around the school in order to impress Mindy Young and the “cool” performing arts kids. Other sources have stated athletes watch old game film from the 1960s and overdramatic sports movies like The Natural, Angels in the Outfield, and Baseball: A Documentary and then act them out as if they were on the moon.

 

The coaches and athletic directors have not responded to our casual attempts to contact them, and they have not reached out to us, which is practically a confession. One question remains: what do our baseball and soccer teams do when they are supposed to be playing baseball or soccer games? Another question that also remains is which is better: right twix or left twix? Both seem unanswerable for now.

Student Goes Entire Day with Tag Sticking Out of Shirt

AISU – On Tuesday, April 5, an unnamed AISU student was seen in the cafeteria during lunch with his tag sticking out of his shirt. The incident was confirmed by many eye-witnesses, some of whom reported seeing the out-of-place tag at other times throughout the day, leading authorities us to assume that the victim didn’t notice what was happening until it was too late.

 

Sources close to the victim explain that while several people saw his tag was sticking out, nobody had the heart to tell him about the mishap. “He looked so clueless about the whole thing,” an anonymous witness said, choking back tears. “Nobody wanted to ruin his day by telling him about it, and it was pretty hilarious, too.”

 

Word of the spectacle spread quickly through the school, until it seemed everyone knew about the wardrobe malfunction except the victim himself. “I didn’t even know [the victim] existed until today,” one classmate said. “But now it’d be hard not to know.”

 

The victim is believed to have noticed the tag once he arrived at home, and spent the remainder of the evening wondering how long it had been that way. He was next seen at school with a paper bag over his head and duct tape keeping his tag down. Since the incident, he has never been seen within 15 feet of another human being. He is now rumored to be removing all tags from his shirts, undergoing extensive plastic surgery, and moving to Uruguay. Such behavior is quite normal, experts say. “Can you blame him?” said one psychologist, who asked to remain anonymous and was hard to understand perfectly because he too had a paper bag over his head. “I mean, his life has been torn into pieces before his eyes. And what did his friends do about it? Nothing, except laugh at him behind his back. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch a plane to Uruguay.”

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