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Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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Exclusive: I Totally Love Everything You Love

By Guest Writer Hillary Clinton

 

Good morning, AISU students and staff! Good to talk to you, my fam! Like I always say, you’re tied for the best with everyone else. I heard that some Jerry Gonson or something wrote an exclusive article for your newspaper, so I thought it’d make a good impression if a real presidential candidate wrote an exclusive article for this paper, too!

 

I’d just like to start by saying you guys are my favorite current students and staff members of the American International School of Utah, especially those of you who are eligible to vote in this country! I think everything about you is super great! Some of you may have heard about the outrageous, unconfirmed reports of hacked emails between myself and my campaign manager in which I was misquoted as saying something like “AISU students are super great, unless they support Donald Trump, then they’re blabbering idiots whose mouths should be cleaned out with a toilet brush.” Now, first I want to say that if this email can be proven to be mine—and I’m not saying it can—then it is being taken entirely out of context. Also, if by chance it can be proven that it is not taken out of context I admit that it was wrong to say those things in that particular way. Not that such a statement is completely incorrect, but it isn’t very nice, and I admit I was unintentionally, harmlessly wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, after all, especially Trump supporters.

 

Now, back to establishing our common interests: I love your school’s performing arts program. I think the achievements you’ve accomplished have been well earned. I also love, as I understand you do, your beautiful warm-ups and vocal exercises. My personal favorite would have to be the one that goes, “Why shouldn’t my goose grow as fast as thy goose, when I payed for my goose twice as much as thine?” I especially like this because it touches on the subject of economic inequalities, a topic I have been specifically focused on since it got Bernie Sanders so many supporters.

 

As far as curricula go, your school has had many over the past three years of the school’s existence. I don’t think any one curriculum is necessarily better than another; they just speak to people at different levels. I think 3.0 was good, if you think it was good, but if you think it sucked, then I also firmly believe it sucked. I think that there are good things and bad things about your many curricula, and my opinion on which is better or what the school should do next differs depending on who I’m talking to. Let’s just say the answer is “I agree with your opinion and, as a matter of fact, I was thinking that same thing too.”

 

Robotics are super cool, unless you think they’re nerdy, then that’s clearly what they are. I think sports are overrated, except in cases when they are good. The cafeteria food is gross and unhealthy, unless you decide it’s better than nothing, in which case you’re right. Mike Stumph is a cool cat, but if you think he isn’t, then neither do I. AISU is a very good school, except for the parts you as an individual don’t like about it. Those parts are the worst.

 

So as you can see, you and I have many things in common. Pretty much everything, for that matter. We clearly agree on all the issues, even the things that aren’t really issues, but just little things in your personal life. So what other reason could there possibly be to run to the ballots and vote for me? Oh, that’s right, I’m not Donald Trump.

Unblocked Websites Discovered, Study Commissioned to Find Out Why

An intense investigation by Elijah Anderson

 

As nearly every AISU student has discovered, there are some pretty good game and entertainment websites that are not blocked on the school Wi-Fi, which is surprising because almost everything else is blocked, including school work. The PSA (Pointless Studies of America) recently conducted as study to get to the bottom of this.

 

The study included interviews with a random sample of two  teachers, both of whom claim that they actually have lives outside of school and like to do things. Two unnamed teachers admitted that they enjoy, for example, playing video games online and spending time on meme sites (the identity of these sites has not been released, in order to protect them from being  blocked). The PSA study concludes that if two teachers admit to using and enjoying such sites, all teachers do, because all teachers are the same.

 

Since the study was released, speculation has run rampant (and eventually hardened into accepted fact) that these game and entertainment sites are not blocked because the principal and the superintendent use them as well. So far, Mark Smith and Mike Farley will not confirm nor deny any allegations, which just confirms it, because if it weren’t true, why wouldn’t you just deny it?

 

From there, it wasn’t a huge leap to start drawing conclusions about the real reasons behind the AISU 3.0 changes. Obviously, school officials had spent so much time gaming online that the night before the changes were to be announced, they realized they hadn’t planned anything yet. So they hurriedly threw together some ideas they found inside the fortune cookies that came with the Chinese takeout they had ordered to fuel their all-night gaming binge. Then they Googled “Curriculum Companies,” called the first one they saw, and asked if we could use their curriculum. When confronted with these allegations, school officials would not confirm nor deny these allegations, which proves that they are true, because seriously people, that’s not a hard thing to deny.

 

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

AISU Bathrooms Overrun by Venomous Snakes That May or May Not Be Real

By Anonymous Guest Writer #741

 

AISU—Animal Control was called late Monday evening to stem a so-called “frightening snake infection” at AISU. However, after a thorough search, the Animal Control officers concluded that no reptiles (including students) were present anywhere in the school, thanking the caller for this “enormous waste of time.”

Despite these findings, many students continue to insist that the school is literally crawling with reptiles, especially in the bathroom, a known favorite hangout of snakes. One student described the intruders as “about three to four feet long, with bright-colored stripes, usually red and yellow, and long fangs.” Another student, interviewed when leaving the boys’ restroom, said “I’ve never seen any snakes. But that would explain why there’s always so much screaming in there. The screams… They tear apart my very soul… The screams… Make them stop.”

“There are definitely snakes in there,” a student reported after leaving the girls’ restroom. When informed of this assertion, a representative from Animal Control said, “No there aren’t,” to which the student replied, “Yes, there are.” Animal Control then released this official statement: “Nu-uh.” The student responded with an official statement of her own: “Yeah-huh.”

While there is no photographic or video evidence of any snakes, there are also no surveillance cameras in the bathrooms, so other than the productive debate between Animal Control and AISU students, the investigation has reached a standstill.

Aspiring herpetologists and amateur snake enthusiasts in the high school have begun search parties to find and rescue these elusive reptiles and release them into the untamed wilderness of Murray City. While these groups have been criticized by peers and janitorial staff with such harsh insults as “They’re just wasting their time; there are no snakes”—an impressive retort in that it uses correctly in one sentence each spelling of “they’re/their/there”—most students agree that their noble efforts to rid the school of these pests are no joking matter.

A spokesperson from one of the search parties, known as Snake Search, gave the Gravy the following letter written in red ink that may actually be blood:

“An update on the snake situation:

“There are definitely snakes. There is no doubt about it. You may not be able to see them or hear them, but they are there. Some of you may be wondering, why the bathrooms? Why not my STEM classroom? But that is unimportant.

“The snakes are probably breeding in any and all restrooms marked ‘out of order.’ If you are attacked by a snake, stay still and silent and observe its behaviors. Report the snake sighting to a member of the Snake Search immediately. If you are bitten, you may as well stop making any long-term goals for your future or showering, for all is lost.”

When the letter was brought to the school’s principal for comment, he shook his head, and after a long pause, said, “This isn’t seriously still going on, is it? I mean, April Fools’ Day was ages ago.” Mr. Smith then laughed nervously and returned to his office.

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

AISU Atheists Demand Their Own Seminary

Murray, UT—Almost every morning, dozens of LDS students at AISU make their way to a local church to have a seminary class before school. Somewhat surprisingly, these sleepy-eyed students and their early-morning scripture study have aroused the envy and anger of—of all people—AISU’s atheists, who are demanding their own seminary class to express their lack of belief.

“The idea that students can come together and discuss their faith is absurd,” said one outspoken student. “Everyone knows that’s not what school is about. The only way this should be allowed is if atheists such as myself are allowed to have our own seminary.”

LDS seminary teachers and students alike are scratching their heads at the idea, though they say they are not necessarily opposed to it. “I wonder if our non-believing AISU students know that they are perfectly welcome to attend our seminary,” one seminary teacher pointed out. “If the point is to discuss what they don’t believe, well, we spend the whole class talking about things they don’t believe.”

However, the requested anti-theological seminary would be different from LDS seminary in one important way: “Ours wouldn’t be held early in the morning,” the atheist student explained. “We would request release time during school hours.” Experts generally agree that asking teenagers to wake up early for the sake of their beliefs is one thing; asking them to do that for the sake of unbelief is probably unrealistic.

The great majority of students and liberals have been very pro-atheism seminary since the program was first proposed. In fact, the idea has become so popular that a few others have suggested their own classes based on a lack of belief or knowledge. The entirety of SM2 are creating a class to discuss their nonexistent understanding of quadratics. A similar English class is designing a course based on not studying Shakespeare.

AISU administrators have not commented on the viability of these classes, but they have said that in order to avoid potential lawsuits, they will consider an atheist seminary and that such a class would will “definitely” be scheduled for release time. In preparation for this, masterminds behind the program have already begun planning a class discussion schedule and a sample agenda for a typical class. According to a source close to the program, each atheist seminary class will include:

  • An opening devotional in which the class chooses not to pray or sing a religious song, followed by a student’s testimony of their lack of belief, and a quick opening monologue on existentialism.
  • A lesson on the science of life and nihilism philosophy.
  • A final monologue on evolution.

Critics have pointed out that this curriculum is much too similar to science class, except that it vocally expresses the subtext of the lessons. “Let me get this straight,” one LDS seminary student put it. “This will be a class in which we discuss life from a purely secular perspective and deny the existence of God at every opportunity? How is that different from every class I go to every day besides seminary?”

School Play Goes Awry After LDS Students Refuse to Attend Sunday Rehearsal; Director Saves Day

By guest writer Mrs. Potato Head

AISU – Panic spread last week when several students in AISU’s school musical “Fellas and Girls” refused to show up at an emergency Sunday Rehearsal. The extra practice was scheduled despite protests from the cast’s several LDS students, who, though visibly exhausted, were seen picketing outside the PAC holding large signs that read “I sold my soul for theatre,” “I can’t, I have rehearsal,” and “President Uchtdorf says ‘Stop it!’” When asked to comment about the protest, an anonymous student could only mumble “Every Day … Every Day …” repeatedly, staring blankly into the distance.

Reporters were unable to enter the building, but an anonymous source, using “pounds of chocolate and caffeine” to bribe the directors, was able to get a “peek of the action on the stage.”

There, the directors reportedly were participating in a ritual to “summon the spirit of Macbeth.” Theater experts say this is nothing to be disturbed about: “It’s not uncommon, a few weeks before the show, for directors to bathe in the blood of their techies and perform the ‘cleansing ceremony’ before the great Shakespeare. It’s a wonderful way for a cast to bond.” However, Macbeth’s ghost did not respond to the summons and was not available for comment. After the failed ceremony, directors were seen lying motionless on the stage, twitching occasionally.

At this moment of desperation, witnesses say Mindy “the Mighty” jumped up with a crazy look in her eye, vowing to “salvage the remnants.” She began to run across the stage, playing every part, some of them simultaneously. Musical director behaviorists say they observe such behavior often: “When a director has come under intense stress, he or she is likely to develop psychosomatic symptoms such as hallucination, meltdowns, multiple personality disorder, a cold, ‘karaoke fever,’ and rocking back and forth listening to Michael Buble.” Sure enough, sources say that soon after Mindy had sung through every love duet, she collapsed to the floor in the fetal position as Michael Buble played through the speakers.

The good news is, our sources report, that Mindy “the Musical Magician” single-handedly completed the rehearsal without making a single mistake, not counting those made by the technicians operating the microphones and lighting. In fact, it was by far the cast’s best rehearsal, and it happened to be the one in which students refused to participate, leading to speculation that this might have been Mindy’s plan all along.

“Mindy Young has been known to put on a fantastic show despite performers for many years,” said one expert. “She has always been great at determining exactly what needs to be added or removed from a musical to make it successful, and this time, the students may have been what needed removing.”

There is still no word on whether the protesting students will be allowed back onstage, but another Shakespearean summoning ritual is scheduled for next week, and most experts agree that between Mindy’s multiple personalities, whatever dead Shakespeare characters can be rounded up, and a cast with a day of rest, this year’s school play should be, at the very least, “kinda okay.”
This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

AISU May Have Connections with Secret Society, Conspiracy Theorists Say

By Guest Writer James Delliskave, Middle School Historian and Professional Endless Pit of Useless Knowledge

AISU – Extensive research by the AISU Society of Conspiracy Theorists (ASCT) suggests that the school might have connections with “Laudramosia Santacei Dieminium” or LSD, a secret society dedicated to the preservation of useless knowledge and the destruction of important knowledge. Based on this research, which gives no solid evidence that any AISU teachers are members of the society, the ASCT has concluded that every teacher is a member and we should trust no one.

Never daunted by lack of evidence, the ASCT listed the following points in defense of its claims:

School Mascot: AISU’s mascot is a seemingly harmless, red Chinese cut-paper dragon. According to the president of the ASCT (who requested that his real name not be used in this article because “you-know-who might be reading it” and instead asked to be referred to as Captain Reality), the red dragon mascot clearly implicates AISU’s LSD connections. “Red is the color of the clothing worn in the LSD’s secret ceremonies,” Captain Reality explained. “It is also an ancient Chinese symbol of good luck. And the dragon represents drug use (think “Puff the Magic Dragon”), a clear connection to LSD, which of course is also the name of a drug.” The LSD was supposedly founded in China in AD 295 as the Society of Great Learners. It was later brought to Rome, where it came to be known as the Chocolate-Chip Champions and eventually renamed to the more serious-sounding Laudramosia Santacei Dieminium. In the palace of Tep-Shaing-Lai in Beijing, where the LSD was founded, there is a floor mosaic that bears vague resemblance to the AISU dragon logo, though others claim it looks more like a giant chocolate-chip cookie.

School Architecture: According to the ASCT, several architectural elements of AISU’s facilities are similar to those found in the “Great House of Knowledge,” the LSD’s current headquarters. The Great House of Knowledge, for example, reportedly has mirrors and huge glass windows, similar to those found in AISU’s atrium. In addition, the way the seats are organized in AISU is remarkably similar to the setup in the “meditation room,” where people meditate and where most company parties are held. Other similarities include the use of tile in the bathrooms, carpeted stairways, and fluorescent lighting, all of which are known features of the Great House of Knowledge. “Clearly,” Captain Reality says, “whoever designed AISU’s facilities had LSD headquarters in mind.”

References to Members: There are multiple references to artistic members of the LSD within the AISU building. The most obvious references are the “da Vinci” and “Frida” studios. They are named after artists Edwardo da Vinci and Mikhal Frida, both of whom were suspected members of the LSD. The entrance to the High School features a quote by Barn Johan Freaking Wolfgang von Goethe, who, as everyone knows, was also a member of the LSD. And many of the songs in the performing arts department’s concert set were composed by members of the LSD, including Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Leonard “Feel the Bernstein” Bernstein, Claudio “Da Bomb” Monteverdi, and the Baby Einsteins.

Tests: SAGE testing was founded by the LSD for the purpose of destroying all happiness forever. Captain Reality explains that this is why so many teachers are in favor of SAGE testing, “because they are obviously members of the LSD. There is no other logical explanation why someone would like SAGE tests.” The LSD has a department called the “Society of Jesters,” who claims responsibility for SAGE testing, April Fool’s Day, and Groundhog Day, although the ASCT believes Groundhog Day to be the brainchild of the devil. The Society of Jesters reportedly also presented to the national school board the idea of eternal sadness for everyone, and of course, the school board loved it.

3.0: The changes AISU has announced for the school’s third year are eerily similar to practices of LSD, and ASCT says that AISU 3.0 is the school’s first step in “operating exactly as LSD operates so that AISU can one day become an official chapter of the LSD.” The ASCT has also said that AISU’s 3.0 Launch Party was “practically a confession, and an LSD welcoming party.” For example, LSD has held meetings on an A/B schedule since 1866, they consider a “work day” do last from 8:30 am to 3:30 pm, their meetings have always been approximately 80 minutes long, they have never believed in effective programs and refuse to do anything that makes sense, they hate consistency, and their buildings have never had water fountains, to name a few. The ASCT says that “if AISU actually wanted to make their education system better, they would have had a Monday/Wednesday/Friday and Tuesday/Thursday schedule, kept the school day the same length, made classes shorter as opposed to longer, and given out free French fries in between classes. Nobody would make such ridiculous and inefficient changes unless they had ulterior motives.”

The ASCT hopes their investigative exposé will open students’ eyes to the secret symbols controlling their education. The ASCT will be holding classes to educate students about these harmful organizations, how to fight them, and how to make a mean chicken noodle soup from scratch on A days from 8:30 – 9:50 in the atrium.

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

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