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Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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A Tribute Article to AISU’s Class of 2016: See You Next Year! Oh, Wait. Never Mind.

AISU—Tonight, AISU seniors who have earned all necessary credits will graduate and receive a one-way ticket to the “real world.” The question rises, however, about what these new adults will do with their newfound freedom mingled with burdensome responsibilities. Many graduating seniors (some after a “gap year” or an LDS mission) are choosing to go to a university or mental institution, but more adventurous students have other plans. Some of the post–high school plans of these adventurous students (whose names have been changed to protect the innocent) include:

 

Alex Thomasson: Train to become a professional goofball for Google, Inc.

 

Tristan Pill: Open a “Happy Hip-Hop Homies” all-girls dance academy

 

Pherica Air: Start a nonprofit dedicated to teaching underprivileged wild animals how to paint pictures of lollipops and bubblegum for their mothers

 

Ostrich Huntergaard: Train Alex Thomasson to become professional goofball

 

Java-ier: Win 50 consecutive People’s Choice Awards and beat Trump in the 2016 election.

 

BeLisa Hoax: Start planning reunions

 

Eon Hair: Start planning to not attend reunions

 

Sandra Bagstaff: Become a civil rights activist for the vertically challenged

 

Silly Narsden: Start a classical metal band called “Beethovenian Beelzebub” or “Baroquen Mirrors” or “My Chemical Romantic Era” or something like that

 

Salutatorian: Become the best and most popular inspirational speaker in the history of the world

 

Valedictorian: Get all teeth knocked out ASAP

 

The AISU Daily Gravy wishes luck, happiness, and free cars to this year’s graduating seniors. Good luck to all of you with this whole “life” thing. It can be pretty tough sometimes. Luckily for you, though, you don’t have to endure through the birthing pains of AISU 3.0, so you should consider yourselves extremely lucky. You really dodged an enormous, exploding, kryptonite bullet by graduating this year. We all envy you for that. We love you guys, and we hope to see you again often down the road. Good luck and be happy! Go rock at whatever it is you’re going to be doing! Way to be!
Lots of love, the Daily Gravy

AISU Atheists Demand Their Own Seminary

Murray, UT—Almost every morning, dozens of LDS students at AISU make their way to a local church to have a seminary class before school. Somewhat surprisingly, these sleepy-eyed students and their early-morning scripture study have aroused the envy and anger of—of all people—AISU’s atheists, who are demanding their own seminary class to express their lack of belief.

“The idea that students can come together and discuss their faith is absurd,” said one outspoken student. “Everyone knows that’s not what school is about. The only way this should be allowed is if atheists such as myself are allowed to have our own seminary.”

LDS seminary teachers and students alike are scratching their heads at the idea, though they say they are not necessarily opposed to it. “I wonder if our non-believing AISU students know that they are perfectly welcome to attend our seminary,” one seminary teacher pointed out. “If the point is to discuss what they don’t believe, well, we spend the whole class talking about things they don’t believe.”

However, the requested anti-theological seminary would be different from LDS seminary in one important way: “Ours wouldn’t be held early in the morning,” the atheist student explained. “We would request release time during school hours.” Experts generally agree that asking teenagers to wake up early for the sake of their beliefs is one thing; asking them to do that for the sake of unbelief is probably unrealistic.

The great majority of students and liberals have been very pro-atheism seminary since the program was first proposed. In fact, the idea has become so popular that a few others have suggested their own classes based on a lack of belief or knowledge. The entirety of SM2 are creating a class to discuss their nonexistent understanding of quadratics. A similar English class is designing a course based on not studying Shakespeare.

AISU administrators have not commented on the viability of these classes, but they have said that in order to avoid potential lawsuits, they will consider an atheist seminary and that such a class would will “definitely” be scheduled for release time. In preparation for this, masterminds behind the program have already begun planning a class discussion schedule and a sample agenda for a typical class. According to a source close to the program, each atheist seminary class will include:

  • An opening devotional in which the class chooses not to pray or sing a religious song, followed by a student’s testimony of their lack of belief, and a quick opening monologue on existentialism.
  • A lesson on the science of life and nihilism philosophy.
  • A final monologue on evolution.

Critics have pointed out that this curriculum is much too similar to science class, except that it vocally expresses the subtext of the lessons. “Let me get this straight,” one LDS seminary student put it. “This will be a class in which we discuss life from a purely secular perspective and deny the existence of God at every opportunity? How is that different from every class I go to every day besides seminary?”

School Play Goes Awry After LDS Students Refuse to Attend Sunday Rehearsal; Director Saves Day

By guest writer Mrs. Potato Head

AISU – Panic spread last week when several students in AISU’s school musical “Fellas and Girls” refused to show up at an emergency Sunday Rehearsal. The extra practice was scheduled despite protests from the cast’s several LDS students, who, though visibly exhausted, were seen picketing outside the PAC holding large signs that read “I sold my soul for theatre,” “I can’t, I have rehearsal,” and “President Uchtdorf says ‘Stop it!’” When asked to comment about the protest, an anonymous student could only mumble “Every Day … Every Day …” repeatedly, staring blankly into the distance.

Reporters were unable to enter the building, but an anonymous source, using “pounds of chocolate and caffeine” to bribe the directors, was able to get a “peek of the action on the stage.”

There, the directors reportedly were participating in a ritual to “summon the spirit of Macbeth.” Theater experts say this is nothing to be disturbed about: “It’s not uncommon, a few weeks before the show, for directors to bathe in the blood of their techies and perform the ‘cleansing ceremony’ before the great Shakespeare. It’s a wonderful way for a cast to bond.” However, Macbeth’s ghost did not respond to the summons and was not available for comment. After the failed ceremony, directors were seen lying motionless on the stage, twitching occasionally.

At this moment of desperation, witnesses say Mindy “the Mighty” jumped up with a crazy look in her eye, vowing to “salvage the remnants.” She began to run across the stage, playing every part, some of them simultaneously. Musical director behaviorists say they observe such behavior often: “When a director has come under intense stress, he or she is likely to develop psychosomatic symptoms such as hallucination, meltdowns, multiple personality disorder, a cold, ‘karaoke fever,’ and rocking back and forth listening to Michael Buble.” Sure enough, sources say that soon after Mindy had sung through every love duet, she collapsed to the floor in the fetal position as Michael Buble played through the speakers.

The good news is, our sources report, that Mindy “the Musical Magician” single-handedly completed the rehearsal without making a single mistake, not counting those made by the technicians operating the microphones and lighting. In fact, it was by far the cast’s best rehearsal, and it happened to be the one in which students refused to participate, leading to speculation that this might have been Mindy’s plan all along.

“Mindy Young has been known to put on a fantastic show despite performers for many years,” said one expert. “She has always been great at determining exactly what needs to be added or removed from a musical to make it successful, and this time, the students may have been what needed removing.”

There is still no word on whether the protesting students will be allowed back onstage, but another Shakespearean summoning ritual is scheduled for next week, and most experts agree that between Mindy’s multiple personalities, whatever dead Shakespeare characters can be rounded up, and a cast with a day of rest, this year’s school play should be, at the very least, “kinda okay.”
This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

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