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EXCLUSIVE: AISU Choirs Getting Record-Level Sucking Out in Rehearsals

Murray, UT—The American International School of Utah (AISU) choral program came into this school year with an understandable sense of uncertainty. The legend that was Ms. Erica is gone; many of the most talented students transferred or graduated; and Kelly was fired, which brought general happiness levels to an all-time low throughout the school. Needless to say, the future didn’t seem too bright for the AISU choral program.

The only thing AISU choirs really got to look forward to this year was the new choir director, Ms. Houghton. Possibly even more overqualified than Ms. Erica was for this job, Ms. Houghton reportedly taught Ms. Erica everything she knows about choral directing—and that’s a lot. However, some experts have expressed a concern: Given Ms. Houghton’s amazingness, will the choirs still be able to get as much sucking out in rehearsals?

The AISU choirs’ well-known awesomeness has long been attributed to their ability to sound downright awful during rehearsals, so that by the time a performance came along, there was no suckiness left in the performers, leaving only pleasant sounds that impressed judges.

Would a talented director like Ms. Houghton be able to get her students to suck sufficiently during rehearsals to keep this tradition going? After almost four weeks of choir, this concern has been thoroughly settled, as choir members and spectators alike have been overwhelmed by the unexpected amount of sucking the choirs have been getting out already. One choir analyst reports, “The first week of choir, both choirs were sounding really nice. They had a great sound and blended well and seemed to be picking things up really quickly. So obviously, we were really concerned. Devastated, in fact. It crushed a lot of hopes that AISU would be able to compete again.” He continues, “Luckily, by the third week, both choirs had gotten back to it and are sucking at a much more acceptable rate! Based on how much they’re sucking, there’s a good chance they won’t have any sucking left by the time they compete at the upcoming Shakespeare Festival!”

A student from the tenor section added, “I can only speak for my section, but we’ve sucked so much already! Nobody can hold a part, we can’t stay in tune, and we couldn’t find our notes if our lives depended on it. In fact, we have so much trouble finding our notes that by the time we compete at Shakespeare next week, there won’t be any notes left besides the right ones! I’ve never been more optimistic about our progress. I think our section alone has gotten more sucking out over these first two weeks than probably any choir has at AISU so far.”

Ms. Houghton also commented, saying, “To be honest, I didn’t know the AISU choirs had this much sucking in them! Erica has told me stories and everything, of course, but I thought she was exaggerating!” She added, beaming, occasionally slipping into a Boston accent. “I’ve never heard a choir who has been able to get this much sucking out in rehearsals, and I’m very proud.”

Word of all this sucking has reached competition judges, who reportedly have responded by engraving “AISU” into all of their trophies and plaques, just to save time.

 

Buy your authentic “I got all the sucking out in rehearsals” AISU Performing Arts button pin HERE (comes in various sizes) (proceeds go to preservation of future awards AISU will undoubtedly win).

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Truthful and stylish

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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Unblocked Websites Discovered, Study Commissioned to Find Out Why

An intense investigation by Elijah Anderson

 

As nearly every AISU student has discovered, there are some pretty good game and entertainment websites that are not blocked on the school Wi-Fi, which is surprising because almost everything else is blocked, including school work. The PSA (Pointless Studies of America) recently conducted as study to get to the bottom of this.

 

The study included interviews with a random sample of two  teachers, both of whom claim that they actually have lives outside of school and like to do things. Two unnamed teachers admitted that they enjoy, for example, playing video games online and spending time on meme sites (the identity of these sites has not been released, in order to protect them from being  blocked). The PSA study concludes that if two teachers admit to using and enjoying such sites, all teachers do, because all teachers are the same.

 

Since the study was released, speculation has run rampant (and eventually hardened into accepted fact) that these game and entertainment sites are not blocked because the principal and the superintendent use them as well. So far, Mark Smith and Mike Farley will not confirm nor deny any allegations, which just confirms it, because if it weren’t true, why wouldn’t you just deny it?

 

From there, it wasn’t a huge leap to start drawing conclusions about the real reasons behind the AISU 3.0 changes. Obviously, school officials had spent so much time gaming online that the night before the changes were to be announced, they realized they hadn’t planned anything yet. So they hurriedly threw together some ideas they found inside the fortune cookies that came with the Chinese takeout they had ordered to fuel their all-night gaming binge. Then they Googled “Curriculum Companies,” called the first one they saw, and asked if we could use their curriculum. When confronted with these allegations, school officials would not confirm nor deny these allegations, which proves that they are true, because seriously people, that’s not a hard thing to deny.

 

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

AISU Hoping Pokémon-Go Craze Will Compel Students to Attend School

Murray, UT – Over the past week, the iOS and Android app “Pokémon-Go” has captured the attention of teens and unambitious adults around the world, quickly surpassing both Tinder and Snapchat in popularity. The American International School of Utah, which is also in the business of capturing teenage attention, is hoping to use the popular app to encourage students to “finally at least show up” to the school once classes start in mid-August.

“Whenever we hear of something succeeding with the teen demographic, our first thought is, ‘How can we use this to get students to go to class?’” said an anonymous AISU staff member named Mike Stumph. “To borrow a phrase, we intend to ‘catch them all.’”

The school has released a full augmented-reality floor plan of its new Pokémon-Go setup, which includes Pokéstops in every classroom except for the performing arts classrooms, which are reserved for Pokémon recreation and breeding. As part of the plan, the P.E. classes have been renamed “Advanced Pokémon Egg Hatching,” and part-timers from K2 have been hired to nurture innovative “Pokémon wildlife centers” in the atrium.

Screenshot (2)ffchbc 1The Pokémon-Go setup floor plan for AISU’s main floor. Picture anonymously provided by Bill Glad.

“If this doesn’t get students to come to school, I don’t know what will.” Stated Stumph.

As a result of these implementations, the school has already begun to attract many teenagers and middle-aged single men who live in the apartments behind the school but apparently do not yet have adult responsibilities. The problem, however, is that classes don’t start for another month. But while school officials were initially opposed to strangers wandering around the school in the middle of the summer, they say they’ve now taken advantage of the opportunity.

“At first we threatened to enroll them in Beginning Orchestra or a GCE integrated course, but that didn’t scare them away, so we turned it into a sort of impromptu summer school program,” said Mr. Justis, who asked to remain anonymous. “We’ve brought teachers on who are trained to locate Pokémon and Pokéstops and shove useless information at hopeful Pokémon catchers while they’re violently swiping their smartphones. Once a week, we’ll give each ‘trainer’ a true-or-false test to assess learning, using the ‘blink once for true, twice for false’ approach.”

“If it works well, we might even use it as the school’s base curriculum once it’s not cool anymore,” Justis added.

Enrolled AISU students have noted that, while they would be more encouraged to attend school if it were full of augmented reality Pokémon and Pokéstops, they are worried that by mid-August, Pokémon-Go just might not be popular anymore. In fact, some experts say that even augmented reality itself will be obsolete by next month, predicting that the trend by that time will be new “pure-reality” games, consisting of actual physical interaction without interference from devices. AISU hasn’t yet made a statement on these predictions, but most observers believe there is little chance the school will change its position, given its history of holding on to policies even after they are proven ineffective, along with the fact that many faculty members “love Pokémon.”

A Tribute Article to AISU’s Class of 2016: See You Next Year! Oh, Wait. Never Mind.

AISU—Tonight, AISU seniors who have earned all necessary credits will graduate and receive a one-way ticket to the “real world.” The question rises, however, about what these new adults will do with their newfound freedom mingled with burdensome responsibilities. Many graduating seniors (some after a “gap year” or an LDS mission) are choosing to go to a university or mental institution, but more adventurous students have other plans. Some of the post–high school plans of these adventurous students (whose names have been changed to protect the innocent) include:

 

Alex Thomasson: Train to become a professional goofball for Google, Inc.

 

Tristan Pill: Open a “Happy Hip-Hop Homies” all-girls dance academy

 

Pherica Air: Start a nonprofit dedicated to teaching underprivileged wild animals how to paint pictures of lollipops and bubblegum for their mothers

 

Ostrich Huntergaard: Train Alex Thomasson to become professional goofball

 

Java-ier: Win 50 consecutive People’s Choice Awards and beat Trump in the 2016 election.

 

BeLisa Hoax: Start planning reunions

 

Eon Hair: Start planning to not attend reunions

 

Sandra Bagstaff: Become a civil rights activist for the vertically challenged

 

Silly Narsden: Start a classical metal band called “Beethovenian Beelzebub” or “Baroquen Mirrors” or “My Chemical Romantic Era” or something like that

 

Salutatorian: Become the best and most popular inspirational speaker in the history of the world

 

Valedictorian: Get all teeth knocked out ASAP

 

The AISU Daily Gravy wishes luck, happiness, and free cars to this year’s graduating seniors. Good luck to all of you with this whole “life” thing. It can be pretty tough sometimes. Luckily for you, though, you don’t have to endure through the birthing pains of AISU 3.0, so you should consider yourselves extremely lucky. You really dodged an enormous, exploding, kryptonite bullet by graduating this year. We all envy you for that. We love you guys, and we hope to see you again often down the road. Good luck and be happy! Go rock at whatever it is you’re going to be doing! Way to be!
Lots of love, the Daily Gravy

Statues in Atrium, Science Teacher Found to be Living

AISU – An unsuspecting student was walking through the atrium on Tuesday when he reported feeling a warm gust of wind coming from the direction of a statue. He says he ignored it at first because he was so intently focused on getting to class on time and concentrating on his studies so he can have a successful future, but as he was walking by the statue again about 15 minutes later, he felt the wind much stronger. Completely freaked out, the student immediately ran to tell Mike, who promptly told this student to be quiet and get back to class.

 

However, Mike was himself a little spooked, so he checked the statue’s vital signs and found that it had a steady pulse and was, in fact, alive. Upon further investigation it was found that the other statue in the atrium, the mannequin in the PAC, and Mr. Donahue are all alive and breathing.

 

School officials have announced that they will take proper care of all living statues and teachers in the school and will conduct a full investigation to determine whether any other presumed inanimate objects or teachers are actually alive. The school denies any wrongdoing on their part, claiming it was an easy mistake to assume that these statues and teachers were not living beings, and that they hold no responsibility for the misunderstanding whatsoever.

 

Mr. Donahue disagrees with the school’s statement, and will be filing a lawsuit. In addition, the mannequin and statues have issued a joint statement promising revenge by creeping everybody out. The mannequin in particular has a reputation for creepiness, and experts advise all AISU students to stay out of the PAC on Fridays or after dark. It’s pretty scary.

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