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Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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Exclusive: Clearing Things Up

By Guest Writer Gary Johnson

 

Students and staff members of AISU: I am Governor Gary Johnson and your future president. Last week, the media tricked me into saying that I like to smoke pot and that your school’s curriculum is the reason America is broken. It has been brought to my attention that these comments might result in people at your school not voting for me. After considering the options available to me, such as ignoring this problem or blaming it on the weather or media bias, I have decided to expand a little on what I said.

 

Your school has a great performing arts program. I think every school in America should model their performing arts programs after yours. I think your school is also located in a very nice building. If every high school had a building like yours, that would be super awesome. I think that chocolate chip cookies are nice, especially when the chocolate chips are fresh out of the oven and ooey-gooey. If every chocolate chip cookie had ooey-gooey chocolate chips, there would be no wars. I think that the “this side down” graphic on microwavable popcorn bags is very helpful, and it should be a model for other microwavable things. That would make the world less confusing.

 

I think the drive-thru line at Chick-fil-a should be standard for other drive-thru lines. For that matter, I think everything at Chick-fil-a should be standard for other restaurants. If every restaurant was like Chick-fil-a (except they still served beef), there would be no crime. I think that it’s good that grass is green. When the grass isn’t green that’s not so good. Something’s wrong when the grass isn’t green. I think that Syrian cities should have names that are easier to remember. If Syrian cities’ names were easier to remember, that would be less embarrassing for everyone. I think $1.49 for 10pc chicken nuggets at Burger King is a great deal. If every restaurant in America had less expensive chicken nuggets like Burger King, we would have perfect equality nationwide. I think a $5 large pizza at Little Caesar’s is amazing. I think that if all pizza places followed Little Caesar’s example and had reasonably priced pizzas, a lot of people would eat more pizzas, which would be very beneficial to all of us. I think that Peyton Manning commercials are great just because Peyton Manning is in them. If Peyton Manning were in all commercials, there would be no hate.

 

And finally, I think food is really great. Also, I’d like each of you who are voting age to keep in mind that if everyone who’s worried about “wasting” their vote by voting for me would vote for me, I’d win. And remember the alternatives to voting for me. Ew. I’ll be on all 50 state ballots, people! #FeelTheJohnson

A Tribute Article to AISU’s Class of 2016: See You Next Year! Oh, Wait. Never Mind.

AISU—Tonight, AISU seniors who have earned all necessary credits will graduate and receive a one-way ticket to the “real world.” The question rises, however, about what these new adults will do with their newfound freedom mingled with burdensome responsibilities. Many graduating seniors (some after a “gap year” or an LDS mission) are choosing to go to a university or mental institution, but more adventurous students have other plans. Some of the post–high school plans of these adventurous students (whose names have been changed to protect the innocent) include:

 

Alex Thomasson: Train to become a professional goofball for Google, Inc.

 

Tristan Pill: Open a “Happy Hip-Hop Homies” all-girls dance academy

 

Pherica Air: Start a nonprofit dedicated to teaching underprivileged wild animals how to paint pictures of lollipops and bubblegum for their mothers

 

Ostrich Huntergaard: Train Alex Thomasson to become professional goofball

 

Java-ier: Win 50 consecutive People’s Choice Awards and beat Trump in the 2016 election.

 

BeLisa Hoax: Start planning reunions

 

Eon Hair: Start planning to not attend reunions

 

Sandra Bagstaff: Become a civil rights activist for the vertically challenged

 

Silly Narsden: Start a classical metal band called “Beethovenian Beelzebub” or “Baroquen Mirrors” or “My Chemical Romantic Era” or something like that

 

Salutatorian: Become the best and most popular inspirational speaker in the history of the world

 

Valedictorian: Get all teeth knocked out ASAP

 

The AISU Daily Gravy wishes luck, happiness, and free cars to this year’s graduating seniors. Good luck to all of you with this whole “life” thing. It can be pretty tough sometimes. Luckily for you, though, you don’t have to endure through the birthing pains of AISU 3.0, so you should consider yourselves extremely lucky. You really dodged an enormous, exploding, kryptonite bullet by graduating this year. We all envy you for that. We love you guys, and we hope to see you again often down the road. Good luck and be happy! Go rock at whatever it is you’re going to be doing! Way to be!
Lots of love, the Daily Gravy

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