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The Daily Gravy

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Mike Stumph

The Daily Gravy Essential Back-to-School Shopping List

It’s not too late to finish up your back-to-school shopping before the first trimester starts! Because the Daily Gravy loves you and wants what’s best for you, we have provided below the essential back-to-school shopping list for all your AISU 2017-18 school year needs! Sponsored by Wal-Mart.

 

  • Whooping cough vaccinations

After last year’s outbreak at AISU, the official slogan for pertussis vaccinations changed from “It’s worth getting autism” to the more relevant “Vaccinate your students, or you’ll get fired from your own school, Ms. Erica will leave, your brothers will also get fired, Kelly will get fired, everyone will die inside, and eventually the school you created with so much hope and potential will be converted to the new county jail.”

 

  • Academic Edgeiblity™ forms by Ekim Hpmuts

Remember last year when the school cracked down on Academic Eligibility forms, which students had to turn in before participating in school activities? Well this year, students can skip the hassle of actually achieving academic eligibility and purchase one of these new Academic Edgeibility™ forms, which teach students the important life lessons that money is more important that qualifications, that buying something is an acceptable alternative to working for it, and that anything worth having is worth paying for (not figuratively but in a literal, monetary sense). Who knows, someday our students may apply these lessons and become President of the United States.

 

  • Crayons

No school year is complete without this classic necessity. Although AISU is mostly Chromebook-based, crayons are still important for scribbling cryptic images on the walls and drawing stick figures of your favorite staff members for them to hang on their refrigerators at home.

 

  • Kelly

Everybody knows that no school year would be complete without our favorite Kelly Casaday. He is by far the most important item on this list.

 

  • 3 extra Chromebook chargers

Because you’ll lose one of them, one of them is going to break, and one will probably be stolen by your creepy neighbor’s garden gnomes.

 

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Give fashion a try™

Show your love for (almost) everyone’s favorite superduperintendent and turn heads with this fashionable attire! Available in a variety of custom clothing items on zazzle.com (note: choose a dark color for best results). Get the t-shirt HERE. All proceeds go to Zazzle and the Find the Farleys charity program. (Or get a less stylish, discounted version HERE, if your love for Mike Farley is bound by monetary restrictions).

 

  • Edible food

Without Greg as our head lunch lady, school lunches are sure to be extra-inedible this coming year. Get ahead of the game by purchasing your own edible food, such as hot Cheetos and Coca-Cola.

 

This concludes the Daily Gravy’s essential back-to-school shopping list. Failure to purchase any of these items, and the attendant consequences, are now squarely on you.

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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Horror-Scopes: The Halloween Horoscopes

Have you ever wanted to be told what to do all the time by superficial figures made out of dead balls of gas millions of light years away, and Mike Stumph just doesn’t cut it?  Well now’s your chance! AISU’s only reliable news source now has a horoscope section, starting with a late-evening Halloween special—your Horror-Scope:

Aries March 21 – April 19 Bring a weapon with you trick or treating tonight, because you’re going to need it. Clowns cannot be tolerated, no exceptions. They will stab you to death. Don’t give them that chance.
Taurus April 20 – May 20 Although the threat of getting stabbed may be scary, don’t skip out on trick-or-treating tonight. If you do encounter creepy clowns with seemingly violent intentions, just let them know you care about them and that you understand their circumstances. After that, they’ll either leave you alone, give you a warm embrace, or stab you in the throat. On second thought, just go trick-or-treating with an Aries.
Gemini May 21 – June 20 Although being an individual can be enticing at times, as you know, it is ultimately impractical and will only lead to disappointment and crushed dreams down the road. Do yourself a favor and don’t be jealous of people who make their own choices or are successful. Deep down inside, they envy you.
Cancer June 21 – July 22 You should seriously consider legally changing your birthday.
Leo July 23 – August 22 If you need a last-minute Halloween costume tip, be life and hand out lemons to trick-or-treaters. Kids love that stuff.
Virgo August 23 – September 22 The clowns are out to get you. Hide. Don’t go outside until 2017. They will get you.
Libra September 23 – October 22 Halloween has just lost its appeal over the years. Today, you plan to sit inside and do nothing. But don’t forget the joys of Halloweens past. This Halloween, sit inside and get sick from eating the Halloween candy you were planning on handing out to little kids. Enjoy yourself.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21 Don’t dress up as a clown.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21 Although your wisdom may be great beyond your years, nobody cares. Especially when it comes to the origins of Halloween. Don’t spoil our fun, alright?
Capricorn December 22 – January 19 Don’t worry about if people will make fun of your costume today, that you worked so hard on and are especially passionate about. They totally will. Relentlessly.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18 While driving your van around and offering children candy so that they don’t have to walk as far may be a good sentiment, it could be misinterpreted. Best drop that idea.
Pisces February 19 – March 20 Just because Scorpio wants you to dress up like a clown with him/her doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Don’t be fooled; stick to your original plan of dressing as a bearded lady and getting mad whenever anyone “assumes your gender.” It’s much better.

Exclusive: I Totally Love Everything You Love

By Guest Writer Hillary Clinton

 

Good morning, AISU students and staff! Good to talk to you, my fam! Like I always say, you’re tied for the best with everyone else. I heard that some Jerry Gonson or something wrote an exclusive article for your newspaper, so I thought it’d make a good impression if a real presidential candidate wrote an exclusive article for this paper, too!

 

I’d just like to start by saying you guys are my favorite current students and staff members of the American International School of Utah, especially those of you who are eligible to vote in this country! I think everything about you is super great! Some of you may have heard about the outrageous, unconfirmed reports of hacked emails between myself and my campaign manager in which I was misquoted as saying something like “AISU students are super great, unless they support Donald Trump, then they’re blabbering idiots whose mouths should be cleaned out with a toilet brush.” Now, first I want to say that if this email can be proven to be mine—and I’m not saying it can—then it is being taken entirely out of context. Also, if by chance it can be proven that it is not taken out of context I admit that it was wrong to say those things in that particular way. Not that such a statement is completely incorrect, but it isn’t very nice, and I admit I was unintentionally, harmlessly wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, after all, especially Trump supporters.

 

Now, back to establishing our common interests: I love your school’s performing arts program. I think the achievements you’ve accomplished have been well earned. I also love, as I understand you do, your beautiful warm-ups and vocal exercises. My personal favorite would have to be the one that goes, “Why shouldn’t my goose grow as fast as thy goose, when I payed for my goose twice as much as thine?” I especially like this because it touches on the subject of economic inequalities, a topic I have been specifically focused on since it got Bernie Sanders so many supporters.

 

As far as curricula go, your school has had many over the past three years of the school’s existence. I don’t think any one curriculum is necessarily better than another; they just speak to people at different levels. I think 3.0 was good, if you think it was good, but if you think it sucked, then I also firmly believe it sucked. I think that there are good things and bad things about your many curricula, and my opinion on which is better or what the school should do next differs depending on who I’m talking to. Let’s just say the answer is “I agree with your opinion and, as a matter of fact, I was thinking that same thing too.”

 

Robotics are super cool, unless you think they’re nerdy, then that’s clearly what they are. I think sports are overrated, except in cases when they are good. The cafeteria food is gross and unhealthy, unless you decide it’s better than nothing, in which case you’re right. Mike Stumph is a cool cat, but if you think he isn’t, then neither do I. AISU is a very good school, except for the parts you as an individual don’t like about it. Those parts are the worst.

 

So as you can see, you and I have many things in common. Pretty much everything, for that matter. We clearly agree on all the issues, even the things that aren’t really issues, but just little things in your personal life. So what other reason could there possibly be to run to the ballots and vote for me? Oh, that’s right, I’m not Donald Trump.

AISU Spirit Bowl Info & Details

AISU – To tie up the first Spirit Week of the 2016-17 school year, the American International School of Utah will hold a “Spirit Bowl” during 4th block where the school’s four “Squads” or “Houses” (also new with the 2016-17 school year – 3.0), will compete in a number of different events,  still to be announced.

 

Although the competitive events are yet to be announced, the school administration has told each of the Houses (Which they called SlitherJen, Stumphelpuff, Pippandor, and Johnstonclaw) to locate their best seeker before 4th block and send him/her to the cafeteria for a broomstick, wand, and owl.

 

The school administration has also said that they will be changing Mike Stumph’s position name from “Hall Monitor” to “Dementor” for this event, and possibly for the foreseeable future “if it works”. The school would also like students to stop calling the Spirit Bowl the “Stop-Try-ing-Wizard Tournament,” saying the two are “completely different events.”

 

The school continued their statement by announcing Ted Bundy as the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. They closed by saying they hope to see all the students at the Spirit Bowl, and by asking them to “please, please, please don’t just leave campus.”

Mike Stumph Admits to Stealing Cookies from Cookie Jar

AISU – On Thursday, September 1, the American International School of Utah Athletics Director Mike Stumph “finally” confessed to stealing cookies from the cookie jar when he was a young child.

After more than 30 years of avoiding the subject with vague terms such as “Who, me? Couldn’t be.” and evasively shifting blame onto peers and coworkers, Stumph decided it was time to “come into the light” and admit his crime.

“After denying something like that for so long, it really devours you, just as I devoured that cookie many years ago.”

“It is with great regret that I inform you that I haven’t been a completely honest and trustworthy man for my entire life,” said a visibly shaken Stumph at an emergency press conference he held in the men’s bathroom. “I’ve made mistakes, some bigger than others, and it’s time I told you all the truth. … I stole the cookies from the cookie jar.”

The confession provoked tears and jeers from students, many of whom said it would “definitely” create trust issues in the future . The happiest person leaving the bathroom that day was the middle school student who found a silver dollar in the urinal. But the second happiest person leaving the bathroom that day was Stumph, who says he felt like a “cookie-sized yet incredibly heavy” burden had been lifted after confessing.

“It wasn’t easy,” Stumph said of coming clean. “After denying something like that for so long, it really devours you, just as I devoured that cookie many years ago.

“The guilt had been eating at my soul, as if it were a delicious cookie,” Stumph continued, “and to finally admit it feels like a weight has been taken from my shoulders, just as the cookie was taken from the cookie jar.”

Since the announcement, students appear to have completely lost respect for Stumph, calling him a “cookie monster” and either ignoring him or talking back to him even more than usual when he asks them where they’re supposed to be or tells them to get back to class.

The school’s administration has not yet officially commented. However, a reliable source says she heard from a reliable source that a reliable source told her that a reliable source said that the school is planning to discipline Stumph harshly, either by sending him to time-out, revoking his Chromebook privileges, taking away his pin, or another form of torture. Stumph has said he will conform to any discipline the school gives him, saying he understands he has done a very bad thing, but that he really hopes they don’t take away his pin.

AISU Hoping Pokémon-Go Craze Will Compel Students to Attend School

Murray, UT – Over the past week, the iOS and Android app “Pokémon-Go” has captured the attention of teens and unambitious adults around the world, quickly surpassing both Tinder and Snapchat in popularity. The American International School of Utah, which is also in the business of capturing teenage attention, is hoping to use the popular app to encourage students to “finally at least show up” to the school once classes start in mid-August.

“Whenever we hear of something succeeding with the teen demographic, our first thought is, ‘How can we use this to get students to go to class?’” said an anonymous AISU staff member named Mike Stumph. “To borrow a phrase, we intend to ‘catch them all.’”

The school has released a full augmented-reality floor plan of its new Pokémon-Go setup, which includes Pokéstops in every classroom except for the performing arts classrooms, which are reserved for Pokémon recreation and breeding. As part of the plan, the P.E. classes have been renamed “Advanced Pokémon Egg Hatching,” and part-timers from K2 have been hired to nurture innovative “Pokémon wildlife centers” in the atrium.

Screenshot (2)ffchbc 1The Pokémon-Go setup floor plan for AISU’s main floor. Picture anonymously provided by Bill Glad.

“If this doesn’t get students to come to school, I don’t know what will.” Stated Stumph.

As a result of these implementations, the school has already begun to attract many teenagers and middle-aged single men who live in the apartments behind the school but apparently do not yet have adult responsibilities. The problem, however, is that classes don’t start for another month. But while school officials were initially opposed to strangers wandering around the school in the middle of the summer, they say they’ve now taken advantage of the opportunity.

“At first we threatened to enroll them in Beginning Orchestra or a GCE integrated course, but that didn’t scare them away, so we turned it into a sort of impromptu summer school program,” said Mr. Justis, who asked to remain anonymous. “We’ve brought teachers on who are trained to locate Pokémon and Pokéstops and shove useless information at hopeful Pokémon catchers while they’re violently swiping their smartphones. Once a week, we’ll give each ‘trainer’ a true-or-false test to assess learning, using the ‘blink once for true, twice for false’ approach.”

“If it works well, we might even use it as the school’s base curriculum once it’s not cool anymore,” Justis added.

Enrolled AISU students have noted that, while they would be more encouraged to attend school if it were full of augmented reality Pokémon and Pokéstops, they are worried that by mid-August, Pokémon-Go just might not be popular anymore. In fact, some experts say that even augmented reality itself will be obsolete by next month, predicting that the trend by that time will be new “pure-reality” games, consisting of actual physical interaction without interference from devices. AISU hasn’t yet made a statement on these predictions, but most observers believe there is little chance the school will change its position, given its history of holding on to policies even after they are proven ineffective, along with the fact that many faculty members “love Pokémon.”

Mike Stumph Reaches Out to Jacksonville Jaguars, Offers to Play “All Positions”

Jacksonville, FL – As many NFL fans know, the Super Bowl 50 Champion Denver Broncos are looking to fill the large void left by retiring QB legend and G.O.A.T. Peyton Manning and spoiled brat and giant man Brock Whatshisface. What many fans do not know is that the Jacksonville Jaguars have been looking to fill voids in all positions—on offense and defense—for many years now, to absolutely no avail.

Fortunately for the Jaguars, help has arrived, and in a very tall way. Just days before the NFL draft, Mike Stumph, the American International School of Utah’s hall monitor and athletic director, who is at least 6’5”, has reportedly offered to play “all positions” for Jacksonville, effective immediately.

According to Mike’s agent, Ekim Hpmuts, Mike is “overly qualified” to play every position on the Jaguars’ roster, due to the fact that he has never lost an NFL game, he is moderately tall, he has a coffee maker in his office, he has successfully sent at least 6 students back to class in the past year, and he hasn’t had a serious injury in 8 years.

Sources say the Jaguars are leaning toward using each of their picks in the upcoming draft to select Stumph, saying that he is “currently our best option,” especially since he is, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, “the only person in the history of football to ever want to play for the Jaguars.”

Mike Stumph has also reached out to the Raiders, but they were reportedly too busy celebrating last season’s 7-9 record and didn’t hear the phone ring. NFL analysts predict that if Stumph were to join either team, the fan base would increase significantly—by a solid “1 million percent” because “it doesn’t matter how much you multiply zero by, it always equals, like, a million or something.”

The only foreseeable downside to this arrangement for the Jaguars is that if Stumph ever suffers an injury, Jacksonville will lose all of its starters at once. However, Mike has made known to Jacksonville’s front office via Twitter that he has “almost superhuman” stamina, agility, and strength. He also cites his “unearthly” team spirit, even on a team like the Jaguars.

Attempts to contact Jaguar fans for reaction were unsuccessful, though some fans of Jaguar brand automobiles were available for comment. Mostly they seemed confused by the question and surprised that Jacksonville was still fielding a football team. Stumph, for his part, plans to change the perception surrounding his new team. “I intend to help the Jaguars make a name for themselves in the NFL,” he said in a prepared statement. “And that name, of course, will be Mike Stumph.”

Photo Credit: Jackson Keys, Google, and Facebook.

AISU 3.0 Rumors Terrify Population, Cause Babies to Cry

Murray, UT – Rumors concerning changes to be made for the American International School of Utah’s 3rd year have circulated through the school, reportedly leaving emotional damage in their wake. Experts are comparing these “earth-shattering,” “ground-breaking” changes to recent earthquakes in Japan and Ecuador, except that these changes are expected to be more dramatic and perhaps require more cleanup afterwards.

 

AISU has announced a “launch party” tonight at 7:00 pm to clarify some plans and address the public’s greatest fears. Unofficially referred to as the “abolition of hope party” or the “party of doom,” the meeting is expected to introduce changes such as an alternating block schedule (also known as A-day/B-day schedule), 80-minute classes, a longer school day with an earlier start time, two high school lunches, removal of resources from the Mike cloning machine, removal of all chairs, a dress code based on Lady Gaga’s wardrobe, and many other terrible things.

 

A recent study found that 100% of students, parents, and teachers polled at AISU, along with the surrounding high schools and colleges, are “highly afraid” of the consequences of the changes. The AISU school board is not overly concerned about these findings, explaining that one reason they are making these changes is to “shake things up a bit.”

 

“The same old program and schedule can get very old for those of us who have the authority to change things,” one school board member said. “So we sometimes like to make changes just so that we don’t get too bored. And we try to make them as destructive as possible and see if we can raise North Korea’s eyebrows, just for fun.”

 

Emergency response personnel initially advised students to seek refuge in the nearest safe high school, until it was discovered that none of them has an amazing performing arts program. Students are now being told that they have permission to freak out and throw things. Many students have said that they will be holding their arms over their heads for the remainder of the school year in case the school decides to demolish the roof, which wouldn’t surprise them, because as one student cried, “They’ve already demolished our high school lives.”

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