Search

The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU's Only Reliable News Source

Tag

Performing Arts

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

20170701_205202109_iOS

 

As Ms. Erica’s News Finally Starts to Sink in, AISU Holds Its Breath and Takes a Look Ahead

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

BREAKING: AISU OFFICIALLY HAS NOTHING LEFT TO LIVE FOR

THE EDITORS FOR THE GRAVY ARE UNABLE TO WRITE CONTENT FOR THIS POST DUE TO CRYING

10 Reasons to Join Choir at AISU

1. Performing arts is a rite of passage at AISU.

At AISU, if you don’t participate in performing arts in some way, everyone secretly hates you. It’s true. So you might as well join choir, one of the least exclusive performing arts programs at the school!

2. No one will hear you mess up.

“But I can’t sing,” you say? Don’t worry. It’s a little-known fact that at any given time, 50% of a choir is singing the imperial march because they’ve forgotten their music. But have you noticed this at concerts or performances? Of course not, because everyone else was singing right, so nobody noticed. So unless you have a solo, the choir will sound good even if (even though) you don’t!

3. At any given time, you are surrounded by 50 students whom you can blame if something goes wrong.

If by any chance your mistakes do become audible, just glare a gesture conspicuously at the person next to you, and everyone will think he or she did it!

4. You can always lip-sync.

If you’re still afraid of messing up, just don’t sing! This is a very common choir strategy. In fact, the AISU chamber choir has lip-synced entire concerts before!

5. It’s the performing art that requires the least physical participation.

Dance is physically exhausting, as are theater and orchestra (unless you play the piccolo, then you don’t have to do anything) (please). In choir, all you have to do is move your mouth and sometimes let sounds out!

6. You’ll learn to love most of the songs you sing.

So next time your grandmother turns on her classical music, you can not completely hate it!

7. You’ll learn a lot of cool music you didn’t know before.

So not only will you not hate Grandma’s classical music, you can sing along!

8. Free T-shirt.

‘Nuff said.

9. When you do well, it makes the girls (and some guys) go crazy.

Whatever you’re into.

10.  It’s a great thing to put on your portfolio and college applications.

When colleges or potential employers see those magical words, “lip-synced in an award-winning choir at a small charter school,” they literally start to drool. Some of them will ask you to marry one of their children. But don’t accept this offer right away. If you play hard-to-get just a little, they will eventually ask you to marry ALL of their children—then you can have your pick.

Exclusive: I Totally Love Everything You Love

By Guest Writer Hillary Clinton

 

Good morning, AISU students and staff! Good to talk to you, my fam! Like I always say, you’re tied for the best with everyone else. I heard that some Jerry Gonson or something wrote an exclusive article for your newspaper, so I thought it’d make a good impression if a real presidential candidate wrote an exclusive article for this paper, too!

 

I’d just like to start by saying you guys are my favorite current students and staff members of the American International School of Utah, especially those of you who are eligible to vote in this country! I think everything about you is super great! Some of you may have heard about the outrageous, unconfirmed reports of hacked emails between myself and my campaign manager in which I was misquoted as saying something like “AISU students are super great, unless they support Donald Trump, then they’re blabbering idiots whose mouths should be cleaned out with a toilet brush.” Now, first I want to say that if this email can be proven to be mine—and I’m not saying it can—then it is being taken entirely out of context. Also, if by chance it can be proven that it is not taken out of context I admit that it was wrong to say those things in that particular way. Not that such a statement is completely incorrect, but it isn’t very nice, and I admit I was unintentionally, harmlessly wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, after all, especially Trump supporters.

 

Now, back to establishing our common interests: I love your school’s performing arts program. I think the achievements you’ve accomplished have been well earned. I also love, as I understand you do, your beautiful warm-ups and vocal exercises. My personal favorite would have to be the one that goes, “Why shouldn’t my goose grow as fast as thy goose, when I payed for my goose twice as much as thine?” I especially like this because it touches on the subject of economic inequalities, a topic I have been specifically focused on since it got Bernie Sanders so many supporters.

 

As far as curricula go, your school has had many over the past three years of the school’s existence. I don’t think any one curriculum is necessarily better than another; they just speak to people at different levels. I think 3.0 was good, if you think it was good, but if you think it sucked, then I also firmly believe it sucked. I think that there are good things and bad things about your many curricula, and my opinion on which is better or what the school should do next differs depending on who I’m talking to. Let’s just say the answer is “I agree with your opinion and, as a matter of fact, I was thinking that same thing too.”

 

Robotics are super cool, unless you think they’re nerdy, then that’s clearly what they are. I think sports are overrated, except in cases when they are good. The cafeteria food is gross and unhealthy, unless you decide it’s better than nothing, in which case you’re right. Mike Stumph is a cool cat, but if you think he isn’t, then neither do I. AISU is a very good school, except for the parts you as an individual don’t like about it. Those parts are the worst.

 

So as you can see, you and I have many things in common. Pretty much everything, for that matter. We clearly agree on all the issues, even the things that aren’t really issues, but just little things in your personal life. So what other reason could there possibly be to run to the ballots and vote for me? Oh, that’s right, I’m not Donald Trump.

Exclusive: Clearing Things Up

By Guest Writer Gary Johnson

 

Students and staff members of AISU: I am Governor Gary Johnson and your future president. Last week, the media tricked me into saying that I like to smoke pot and that your school’s curriculum is the reason America is broken. It has been brought to my attention that these comments might result in people at your school not voting for me. After considering the options available to me, such as ignoring this problem or blaming it on the weather or media bias, I have decided to expand a little on what I said.

 

Your school has a great performing arts program. I think every school in America should model their performing arts programs after yours. I think your school is also located in a very nice building. If every high school had a building like yours, that would be super awesome. I think that chocolate chip cookies are nice, especially when the chocolate chips are fresh out of the oven and ooey-gooey. If every chocolate chip cookie had ooey-gooey chocolate chips, there would be no wars. I think that the “this side down” graphic on microwavable popcorn bags is very helpful, and it should be a model for other microwavable things. That would make the world less confusing.

 

I think the drive-thru line at Chick-fil-a should be standard for other drive-thru lines. For that matter, I think everything at Chick-fil-a should be standard for other restaurants. If every restaurant was like Chick-fil-a (except they still served beef), there would be no crime. I think that it’s good that grass is green. When the grass isn’t green that’s not so good. Something’s wrong when the grass isn’t green. I think that Syrian cities should have names that are easier to remember. If Syrian cities’ names were easier to remember, that would be less embarrassing for everyone. I think $1.49 for 10pc chicken nuggets at Burger King is a great deal. If every restaurant in America had less expensive chicken nuggets like Burger King, we would have perfect equality nationwide. I think a $5 large pizza at Little Caesar’s is amazing. I think that if all pizza places followed Little Caesar’s example and had reasonably priced pizzas, a lot of people would eat more pizzas, which would be very beneficial to all of us. I think that Peyton Manning commercials are great just because Peyton Manning is in them. If Peyton Manning were in all commercials, there would be no hate.

 

And finally, I think food is really great. Also, I’d like each of you who are voting age to keep in mind that if everyone who’s worried about “wasting” their vote by voting for me would vote for me, I’d win. And remember the alternatives to voting for me. Ew. I’ll be on all 50 state ballots, people! #FeelTheJohnson

AISU Fight Song: Brand New School

Sung to the tune of “Grand Old Flag”

 

We’re a brand new school,

We are AISU.

We sing songs and we play instruments.

We don’t really know

How our sports teams do,

But in Arts we Perform winningness.

Ev’ry heart beats true

‘Neath the Red, White, and Blue.

We do everything better than you.

Though graduating be o’erlooked

Stand and shout for AISU!

 

We’re the best darn school,

We are AISU.

We sing songs and we play instruments.

Kate Youman says,

“We have STEM here too.”

But on that point we fake ignorance.

Ev’ry heart beats true

‘Neath the Red, White, and Blue,

Where there’s ne’er any work that you do.

Though A and B days get mixed up,

Stand and shout for AISU!

 

Include misc. cheers and chants (e.g. Ra-Ra-Sish-Boom-Ba and/or Gooooo Dragons!) with drum rolls at appropriate times.

Exclusive Interview: Mr. Justis Explains How You Can Change the World

AISU – In a record-breaking long assembly for the high school and middle school last Thursday, American International School of Utah Academics Director Nathan Justis made what some are calling a “ridiculous” claim—that each student can change the world.

After receiving intense criticism for his “unrealistic expectations for naturally incompetent students,” which critics claim will “get the students’ hopes up, only to crush them once they remember they’re really lazy,” Justis agreed to an exclusive interview with the Daily Gravy to clarify his remarks. The key points from that interview are summarized below:

Daily Gravy: “What did you think about the critics saying that your claim was ridiculous and your students are incompetent?”

Mr. Justis: “I think it wasn’t very nice. I mean, even incompetent students can change the world. And our students aren’t incompetent at performing arts.”

DG: “What sort of change are you talking about?”

MJ: “Well, just everyday things can really make a difference. They might not seem like they make a huge difference, but they might really change someone’s world.”

DG: “Do you have any specific examples, so your students know what kinds of everyday things they can do to change the world for someone?”

MJ: “You know, just little things like brushing your teeth and clipping your fingernails can really change somebody’s world. For example, somebody might be having an awful day, and then they see you with your neatly trimmed fingernails and minty fresh teeth and suddenly have a renewed hope in mankind. I mean, that sort of thing happens to me all the time.”

DG: “I see. You say that sort of thing happens to you often. Can you give us a couple specific examples from your personal life?”

MJ: “Yes, of course. One time, during lunch, I was feeling especially hungry. Then this group of students walked past me, carrying paper bags from Five Guys. It was because of that that I realized I wanted to eat at Five Guys. I did, and it was very delicious. I really appreciate those students, because that meal was really good. I thank those students every time I see them and tell them how they changed my world that day.”

DG: “I agree, Five Guys is pretty good. I personally prefer Crown Burger, though.”

MJ: “Yeah, Crown Burger’s good, too. They’re sort of a different venue, though.”

DG: “True.”

MJ: “Yep.”

DG: What are your thoughts on discount movie theaters?”

MJ: “I think they serve a great purpose to the community. While the quality of the theater might not be the best, you also get to see a movie for a fraction of the price, which is, for a lot of people, more than worth it.”

DG: “Who’s your favorite character from Dora the Explorer?”

MJ: “I would have to say the squirrel who only speaks Spanish. I can’t remember his name right now, but he’s always struck me as a fun-loving, independent character, and I really admire his stubborn refusal to learn English, even though it’s clearly the primary language of everyone else in the show.”

DG: “Would you rather be forced to listen to a violin tuning or stab your ears with a mechanical pencil?”

MJ: “Ooh, that one’s tough. They both cause about the same amount of ear damage, right? But on the other hand, you face the danger every day of hearing a violin tuning by just walking through the halls at this school.”

DG: “That’s true. That was a pretty difficult question.”

MJ: “Yeah, it was.”

DG: “Well, thank you for your time”

MJ: “Of course. Thanks for asking me questions and stuff.”

DG: “You’re welcome.”

After the exclusive interview, Mr. Justis said he would release a list of “25 everyday things you can do to change the world today” sometime in the near future, along with a ranking of his favorite Dora the Explorer characters. He also promised to research the squirrel’s name.

AISU 3.0 Rumors Terrify Population, Cause Babies to Cry

Murray, UT – Rumors concerning changes to be made for the American International School of Utah’s 3rd year have circulated through the school, reportedly leaving emotional damage in their wake. Experts are comparing these “earth-shattering,” “ground-breaking” changes to recent earthquakes in Japan and Ecuador, except that these changes are expected to be more dramatic and perhaps require more cleanup afterwards.

 

AISU has announced a “launch party” tonight at 7:00 pm to clarify some plans and address the public’s greatest fears. Unofficially referred to as the “abolition of hope party” or the “party of doom,” the meeting is expected to introduce changes such as an alternating block schedule (also known as A-day/B-day schedule), 80-minute classes, a longer school day with an earlier start time, two high school lunches, removal of resources from the Mike cloning machine, removal of all chairs, a dress code based on Lady Gaga’s wardrobe, and many other terrible things.

 

A recent study found that 100% of students, parents, and teachers polled at AISU, along with the surrounding high schools and colleges, are “highly afraid” of the consequences of the changes. The AISU school board is not overly concerned about these findings, explaining that one reason they are making these changes is to “shake things up a bit.”

 

“The same old program and schedule can get very old for those of us who have the authority to change things,” one school board member said. “So we sometimes like to make changes just so that we don’t get too bored. And we try to make them as destructive as possible and see if we can raise North Korea’s eyebrows, just for fun.”

 

Emergency response personnel initially advised students to seek refuge in the nearest safe high school, until it was discovered that none of them has an amazing performing arts program. Students are now being told that they have permission to freak out and throw things. Many students have said that they will be holding their arms over their heads for the remainder of the school year in case the school decides to demolish the roof, which wouldn’t surprise them, because as one student cried, “They’ve already demolished our high school lives.”

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑