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Peyton Manning

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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Exclusive: Clearing Things Up

By Guest Writer Gary Johnson

 

Students and staff members of AISU: I am Governor Gary Johnson and your future president. Last week, the media tricked me into saying that I like to smoke pot and that your school’s curriculum is the reason America is broken. It has been brought to my attention that these comments might result in people at your school not voting for me. After considering the options available to me, such as ignoring this problem or blaming it on the weather or media bias, I have decided to expand a little on what I said.

 

Your school has a great performing arts program. I think every school in America should model their performing arts programs after yours. I think your school is also located in a very nice building. If every high school had a building like yours, that would be super awesome. I think that chocolate chip cookies are nice, especially when the chocolate chips are fresh out of the oven and ooey-gooey. If every chocolate chip cookie had ooey-gooey chocolate chips, there would be no wars. I think that the “this side down” graphic on microwavable popcorn bags is very helpful, and it should be a model for other microwavable things. That would make the world less confusing.

 

I think the drive-thru line at Chick-fil-a should be standard for other drive-thru lines. For that matter, I think everything at Chick-fil-a should be standard for other restaurants. If every restaurant was like Chick-fil-a (except they still served beef), there would be no crime. I think that it’s good that grass is green. When the grass isn’t green that’s not so good. Something’s wrong when the grass isn’t green. I think that Syrian cities should have names that are easier to remember. If Syrian cities’ names were easier to remember, that would be less embarrassing for everyone. I think $1.49 for 10pc chicken nuggets at Burger King is a great deal. If every restaurant in America had less expensive chicken nuggets like Burger King, we would have perfect equality nationwide. I think a $5 large pizza at Little Caesar’s is amazing. I think that if all pizza places followed Little Caesar’s example and had reasonably priced pizzas, a lot of people would eat more pizzas, which would be very beneficial to all of us. I think that Peyton Manning commercials are great just because Peyton Manning is in them. If Peyton Manning were in all commercials, there would be no hate.

 

And finally, I think food is really great. Also, I’d like each of you who are voting age to keep in mind that if everyone who’s worried about “wasting” their vote by voting for me would vote for me, I’d win. And remember the alternatives to voting for me. Ew. I’ll be on all 50 state ballots, people! #FeelTheJohnson

Nationwide Jingle – School Pride

AISU’s cool, I guess.

 

Bonus Jingle:

Isn’t pride a “deadly sin”?

Mike Stumph Reaches Out to Jacksonville Jaguars, Offers to Play “All Positions”

Jacksonville, FL – As many NFL fans know, the Super Bowl 50 Champion Denver Broncos are looking to fill the large void left by retiring QB legend and G.O.A.T. Peyton Manning and spoiled brat and giant man Brock Whatshisface. What many fans do not know is that the Jacksonville Jaguars have been looking to fill voids in all positions—on offense and defense—for many years now, to absolutely no avail.

Fortunately for the Jaguars, help has arrived, and in a very tall way. Just days before the NFL draft, Mike Stumph, the American International School of Utah’s hall monitor and athletic director, who is at least 6’5”, has reportedly offered to play “all positions” for Jacksonville, effective immediately.

According to Mike’s agent, Ekim Hpmuts, Mike is “overly qualified” to play every position on the Jaguars’ roster, due to the fact that he has never lost an NFL game, he is moderately tall, he has a coffee maker in his office, he has successfully sent at least 6 students back to class in the past year, and he hasn’t had a serious injury in 8 years.

Sources say the Jaguars are leaning toward using each of their picks in the upcoming draft to select Stumph, saying that he is “currently our best option,” especially since he is, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, “the only person in the history of football to ever want to play for the Jaguars.”

Mike Stumph has also reached out to the Raiders, but they were reportedly too busy celebrating last season’s 7-9 record and didn’t hear the phone ring. NFL analysts predict that if Stumph were to join either team, the fan base would increase significantly—by a solid “1 million percent” because “it doesn’t matter how much you multiply zero by, it always equals, like, a million or something.”

The only foreseeable downside to this arrangement for the Jaguars is that if Stumph ever suffers an injury, Jacksonville will lose all of its starters at once. However, Mike has made known to Jacksonville’s front office via Twitter that he has “almost superhuman” stamina, agility, and strength. He also cites his “unearthly” team spirit, even on a team like the Jaguars.

Attempts to contact Jaguar fans for reaction were unsuccessful, though some fans of Jaguar brand automobiles were available for comment. Mostly they seemed confused by the question and surprised that Jacksonville was still fielding a football team. Stumph, for his part, plans to change the perception surrounding his new team. “I intend to help the Jaguars make a name for themselves in the NFL,” he said in a prepared statement. “And that name, of course, will be Mike Stumph.”

Photo Credit: Jackson Keys, Google, and Facebook.

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