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Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

20170701_205202109_iOS

 

AISU Hoping Pokémon-Go Craze Will Compel Students to Attend School

Murray, UT – Over the past week, the iOS and Android app “Pokémon-Go” has captured the attention of teens and unambitious adults around the world, quickly surpassing both Tinder and Snapchat in popularity. The American International School of Utah, which is also in the business of capturing teenage attention, is hoping to use the popular app to encourage students to “finally at least show up” to the school once classes start in mid-August.

“Whenever we hear of something succeeding with the teen demographic, our first thought is, ‘How can we use this to get students to go to class?’” said an anonymous AISU staff member named Mike Stumph. “To borrow a phrase, we intend to ‘catch them all.’”

The school has released a full augmented-reality floor plan of its new Pokémon-Go setup, which includes Pokéstops in every classroom except for the performing arts classrooms, which are reserved for Pokémon recreation and breeding. As part of the plan, the P.E. classes have been renamed “Advanced Pokémon Egg Hatching,” and part-timers from K2 have been hired to nurture innovative “Pokémon wildlife centers” in the atrium.

Screenshot (2)ffchbc 1The Pokémon-Go setup floor plan for AISU’s main floor. Picture anonymously provided by Bill Glad.

“If this doesn’t get students to come to school, I don’t know what will.” Stated Stumph.

As a result of these implementations, the school has already begun to attract many teenagers and middle-aged single men who live in the apartments behind the school but apparently do not yet have adult responsibilities. The problem, however, is that classes don’t start for another month. But while school officials were initially opposed to strangers wandering around the school in the middle of the summer, they say they’ve now taken advantage of the opportunity.

“At first we threatened to enroll them in Beginning Orchestra or a GCE integrated course, but that didn’t scare them away, so we turned it into a sort of impromptu summer school program,” said Mr. Justis, who asked to remain anonymous. “We’ve brought teachers on who are trained to locate Pokémon and Pokéstops and shove useless information at hopeful Pokémon catchers while they’re violently swiping their smartphones. Once a week, we’ll give each ‘trainer’ a true-or-false test to assess learning, using the ‘blink once for true, twice for false’ approach.”

“If it works well, we might even use it as the school’s base curriculum once it’s not cool anymore,” Justis added.

Enrolled AISU students have noted that, while they would be more encouraged to attend school if it were full of augmented reality Pokémon and Pokéstops, they are worried that by mid-August, Pokémon-Go just might not be popular anymore. In fact, some experts say that even augmented reality itself will be obsolete by next month, predicting that the trend by that time will be new “pure-reality” games, consisting of actual physical interaction without interference from devices. AISU hasn’t yet made a statement on these predictions, but most observers believe there is little chance the school will change its position, given its history of holding on to policies even after they are proven ineffective, along with the fact that many faculty members “love Pokémon.”

Ask and Receive: A Gravy Column

Ask and Receive” is a Daily Gravy column in which members of AISU’s student body and staff ask questions, and the Gravy Editors receive them. See how that works out?

 

Our first question comes from an anonymous student who is concerned about falling asleep in Physics class:

“I keep falling asleep in Physics class. This is normally beneficial to me, because I do need my sleep, but this next week of class is probably going to require more participation so that I can actually finish the course. Is it possible for me to stay awake, or should I not even try?”

Well, anonymous student, Physics class is known to induce drowsiness. However, contrary to popular belief, it is possible to stay awake. One thing to remember is the first law of motion (which, ironically, you would know about if you hadn’t been sleeping in Physics class): objects in motion tend to stay in motion, while objects at rest tend to stay at rest. This means that you should never begin to rest, or you will never return. Instead, stay in motion! One of the most effective ways to do this is to run laps around the classroom for most of the class period. It’s also helpful to do about 15 jumping jacks every few minutes.
Some students like to bring a jump rope or a hula hoop to use when they start to feel sleepy. If you still aren’t able to stay awake, don’t worry; graduating is overrated anyway.

Truman Barnes from the middle school asks the next question about popularity.

“I feel like every day I am overlooked and I don’t get enough respect. What is a good way to be respected at this school?”

Truman, if anyone knows about disrespect, it’s us at the Gravy. We make it our business to never show any respect to anyone. So if you’d like to be respected more, we would suggest that you try to be more respectable. In an attempt to help you, we read Lifehack’s clickbait link “20 Things Every Man Should Learn to be a More Respectable Person” and randomly selected a number on that list that you should work on improving. The number selected was #7, “How You Treat a Woman.”

Some of the woman-treating skills on Lifehack’s list include opening doors for women, speaking highly of women, and communicating with women. To gain these skills, we suggest practicing opening doors for others at least 7 times per day. Be sure to do this when you’re alone, so if you do it wrong there are no witnesses. Also remember that you’re only opening doors for women, so if a man tries to enter through a door you’re opening, trip him and close the door as quickly as possible so that it breaks his legs. To speak highly of women, we suggest loudly announcing things you like about the female gender at random times throughout the day. This will show women you care or at least notice things about their gender. To practice communicating with women, we suggest regularly listening to soap operas on television and practicing nodding and making appropriate facial gestures while thinking about the NBA playoffs in your head. Follow these steps and you’re sure to be more respected in no time. You’re welcome.

Our next question is from a student who calls himself “the Unicorn King.”

“Once I was walking down the street, and a 9-foot-tall guy with sunshine
coming out of his mouth and a hippo for a hand told me that everything in the whole wide world is really mean, even my mom. I don’t think my mom’s mean. What do you think?”

If you think your mom’s nice, we’ll take your word for it. However, for future reference, we would suggest not talking to 9-foot-tall guys with sunshine mouths and a hippo for a hand, because, as we learn from Psych season 2, episode 6, “Meat is Murder, But Murder is Also Murder,” those guys usually turn out to be the jealous assistant who murdered the food critic because he wanted his job. We also learn that mushroom farmers aren’t always the best at criminal identification, but they pull through in the end.

This concludes this session of Ask and Receive: A Gravy Column. If you have questions you would like to be received by the Gravy editors, email ASKGRAVY@GMAIL.COM with your question and we will be sure to receive it.

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