By Guest Writer James Delliskave, Middle School Historian and Professional Endless Pit of Useless Knowledge
AISU – Extensive research by the AISU Society of Conspiracy Theorists (ASCT) suggests that the school might have connections with “Laudramosia Santacei Dieminium” or LSD, a secret society dedicated to the preservation of useless knowledge and the destruction of important knowledge. Based on this research, which gives no solid evidence that any AISU teachers are members of the society, the ASCT has concluded that every teacher is a member and we should trust no one.
Never daunted by lack of evidence, the ASCT listed the following points in defense of its claims:
School Mascot: AISU’s mascot is a seemingly harmless, red Chinese cut-paper dragon. According to the president of the ASCT (who requested that his real name not be used in this article because “you-know-who might be reading it” and instead asked to be referred to as Captain Reality), the red dragon mascot clearly implicates AISU’s LSD connections. “Red is the color of the clothing worn in the LSD’s secret ceremonies,” Captain Reality explained. “It is also an ancient Chinese symbol of good luck. And the dragon represents drug use (think “Puff the Magic Dragon”), a clear connection to LSD, which of course is also the name of a drug.” The LSD was supposedly founded in China in AD 295 as the Society of Great Learners. It was later brought to Rome, where it came to be known as the Chocolate-Chip Champions and eventually renamed to the more serious-sounding Laudramosia Santacei Dieminium. In the palace of Tep-Shaing-Lai in Beijing, where the LSD was founded, there is a floor mosaic that bears vague resemblance to the AISU dragon logo, though others claim it looks more like a giant chocolate-chip cookie.
School Architecture: According to the ASCT, several architectural elements of AISU’s facilities are similar to those found in the “Great House of Knowledge,” the LSD’s current headquarters. The Great House of Knowledge, for example, reportedly has mirrors and huge glass windows, similar to those found in AISU’s atrium. In addition, the way the seats are organized in AISU is remarkably similar to the setup in the “meditation room,” where people meditate and where most company parties are held. Other similarities include the use of tile in the bathrooms, carpeted stairways, and fluorescent lighting, all of which are known features of the Great House of Knowledge. “Clearly,” Captain Reality says, “whoever designed AISU’s facilities had LSD headquarters in mind.”
References to Members: There are multiple references to artistic members of the LSD within the AISU building. The most obvious references are the “da Vinci” and “Frida” studios. They are named after artists Edwardo da Vinci and Mikhal Frida, both of whom were suspected members of the LSD. The entrance to the High School features a quote by Barn Johan Freaking Wolfgang von Goethe, who, as everyone knows, was also a member of the LSD. And many of the songs in the performing arts department’s concert set were composed by members of the LSD, including Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Leonard “Feel the Bernstein” Bernstein, Claudio “Da Bomb” Monteverdi, and the Baby Einsteins.
Tests: SAGE testing was founded by the LSD for the purpose of destroying all happiness forever. Captain Reality explains that this is why so many teachers are in favor of SAGE testing, “because they are obviously members of the LSD. There is no other logical explanation why someone would like SAGE tests.” The LSD has a department called the “Society of Jesters,” who claims responsibility for SAGE testing, April Fool’s Day, and Groundhog Day, although the ASCT believes Groundhog Day to be the brainchild of the devil. The Society of Jesters reportedly also presented to the national school board the idea of eternal sadness for everyone, and of course, the school board loved it.
3.0: The changes AISU has announced for the school’s third year are eerily similar to practices of LSD, and ASCT says that AISU 3.0 is the school’s first step in “operating exactly as LSD operates so that AISU can one day become an official chapter of the LSD.” The ASCT has also said that AISU’s 3.0 Launch Party was “practically a confession, and an LSD welcoming party.” For example, LSD has held meetings on an A/B schedule since 1866, they consider a “work day” do last from 8:30 am to 3:30 pm, their meetings have always been approximately 80 minutes long, they have never believed in effective programs and refuse to do anything that makes sense, they hate consistency, and their buildings have never had water fountains, to name a few. The ASCT says that “if AISU actually wanted to make their education system better, they would have had a Monday/Wednesday/Friday and Tuesday/Thursday schedule, kept the school day the same length, made classes shorter as opposed to longer, and given out free French fries in between classes. Nobody would make such ridiculous and inefficient changes unless they had ulterior motives.”
The ASCT hopes their investigative exposé will open students’ eyes to the secret symbols controlling their education. The ASCT will be holding classes to educate students about these harmful organizations, how to fight them, and how to make a mean chicken noodle soup from scratch on A days from 8:30 – 9:50 in the atrium.
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