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School-Wide Plague

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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AISU’s Whooping Cough Epidemic AKA “The Plague”

AISU—The American International School of Utah (AISU) has recently been plagued by a strong case of the whooping cough. Doctors describe whooping cough as a rare cough that is potentially more harmful than a regular cough because it causes victims to make a high-pitched “whoop!” sound that doctors find very annoying. Victims are often denied treatment as a result. “I can’t stand it,” one doctor admitted. “It’s worse than fingernails on a chalkboard. So when someone comes to my office and starts whooping, I just make them leave. Sometimes, on their way out, I prescribe an addictive pain killer they don’t need, just to get even.”

Nobody wants that, so school officials have warned students who are not vaccinated against whooping cough to stay home. This decision has fanned the flames of the already-raging debate between parents who believe vaccinations are good because they eradicate deadly diseases and parents who believe vaccinations are part of an elaborate government conspiracy to give everyone autism. It now appears that the vaccinations are also part of a conspiracy to force children to go to school even though people around them will be coughing and making irritating whooping sounds.

AISU’s epidemic has caught the attention of the ever-attentive social media, including a surprising number of gofundme pages for the school, hundreds of Facebook profile pictures that have been changed to little boxes that say “whoops, AISU’s got a cough :-(“, and even a pity-following for the AISU memes page.

However, the most noticeable attention AISU has gotten for being sick has come from Whoopi Goldberg, the inventor of whooping cough. Whoopi tagged AISU in a recent tweet, saying, “When you cough on someone in school, you hope they’ll get sick and cough on someone else. And it’ll become like a wildfire.” Whoopi then added a more personal message: “Congrats to AISU students who didn’t get vaccinations and get to stay home from school! No vaccinations = more vacations!”

AISU Vows to “Eradicate” Rubik’s Cubes

Murray, UT—Responding to what they call a “school-wide plague” and“epidemic,” administrators at AISU released a statement condemning the growing use of Rubik’s Cubes in the school. The popularity of these small, multicolored puzzles has steadily increased since mid-2014, until now there are unverified reports of middle schoolers setting up shrines to Rubik’s Cubes and worshipping them.

 

“This will not be taken lightly,” said Mrs. Powell, a co-author of the statement. “I actually used to like Rubik’s Cubes, until the demand for them went up and up and up, and now the better ones cost $30! I’ve seen stands in the school selling Rubik’s Cubes for $15 apiece. This is unbelievable. First of all, you can buy them online for $12.50. And second of all, they are giving no money back to the school, whose space they use to sell the devilish cubes.” Mrs. Powell has also drafted a petition to outlaw the sale and possession of Rubik’s Cubes, though critics of her plan claim that this would only strengthen the black-market demand and lead to smuggling and dangerous, unregulated cube-trafficking.

 

Perhaps the statement’s strongest language condemning Rubik’s Cubes is the accusation that they discriminate against color blind people. “They can never tell when they’ve finished it,” the document astutely observes. “They may think they have, but as it turns out, they had been seeing the reds as greens and yellows as purples the whole time. Come to think of it, that actually wouldn’t cause a problem, because it would still be finished, but in the wrong order. Or maybe that’s not how colorblindness works. Does it just look like one big gray mess? We’re not actually sure. You know what, just pretend that this paragraph never happened.”

 

The statement goes on to quote Ernő Rubik, creator of the Rubik’s Cube, who claims that his creation actually destroys brain cells. “People who use them waste so much time figuring out the algorithms and the fastest way to spin them,” he says, “and the brain puts so much effort into memorizing all those things, that before long you can’t remember such things as birthdays, people’s names, reasons why you walk into a room, things you’ve already listed in a list, and birthdays.”

 

Reactions to the statement have been mixed, with many students buying more Rubik’s Cubes out of spite. Some students, on the other hand, are complying with the school’s request out of a sense of pity. “I don’t have much against Rubik’s Cubes,” one student said, “but the administration has reduced themselves to begging, and it’s actually kind of embarrassing. So I’m selling my cubes and using the money to buy violent video games. That’s probably much better for my long-term growth and development anyway.”

 

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