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EXCLUSIVE: AISU Choirs Getting Record-Level Sucking Out in Rehearsals

Murray, UT—The American International School of Utah (AISU) choral program came into this school year with an understandable sense of uncertainty. The legend that was Ms. Erica is gone; many of the most talented students transferred or graduated; and Kelly was fired, which brought general happiness levels to an all-time low throughout the school. Needless to say, the future didn’t seem too bright for the AISU choral program.

The only thing AISU choirs really got to look forward to this year was the new choir director, Ms. Houghton. Possibly even more overqualified than Ms. Erica was for this job, Ms. Houghton reportedly taught Ms. Erica everything she knows about choral directing—and that’s a lot. However, some experts have expressed a concern: Given Ms. Houghton’s amazingness, will the choirs still be able to get as much sucking out in rehearsals?

The AISU choirs’ well-known awesomeness has long been attributed to their ability to sound downright awful during rehearsals, so that by the time a performance came along, there was no suckiness left in the performers, leaving only pleasant sounds that impressed judges.

Would a talented director like Ms. Houghton be able to get her students to suck sufficiently during rehearsals to keep this tradition going? After almost four weeks of choir, this concern has been thoroughly settled, as choir members and spectators alike have been overwhelmed by the unexpected amount of sucking the choirs have been getting out already. One choir analyst reports, “The first week of choir, both choirs were sounding really nice. They had a great sound and blended well and seemed to be picking things up really quickly. So obviously, we were really concerned. Devastated, in fact. It crushed a lot of hopes that AISU would be able to compete again.” He continues, “Luckily, by the third week, both choirs had gotten back to it and are sucking at a much more acceptable rate! Based on how much they’re sucking, there’s a good chance they won’t have any sucking left by the time they compete at the upcoming Shakespeare Festival!”

A student from the tenor section added, “I can only speak for my section, but we’ve sucked so much already! Nobody can hold a part, we can’t stay in tune, and we couldn’t find our notes if our lives depended on it. In fact, we have so much trouble finding our notes that by the time we compete at Shakespeare next week, there won’t be any notes left besides the right ones! I’ve never been more optimistic about our progress. I think our section alone has gotten more sucking out over these first two weeks than probably any choir has at AISU so far.”

Ms. Houghton also commented, saying, “To be honest, I didn’t know the AISU choirs had this much sucking in them! Erica has told me stories and everything, of course, but I thought she was exaggerating!” She added, beaming, occasionally slipping into a Boston accent. “I’ve never heard a choir who has been able to get this much sucking out in rehearsals, and I’m very proud.”

Word of all this sucking has reached competition judges, who reportedly have responded by engraving “AISU” into all of their trophies and plaques, just to save time.

 

Buy your authentic “I got all the sucking out in rehearsals” AISU Performing Arts button pin HERE (comes in various sizes) (proceeds go to preservation of future awards AISU will undoubtedly win).

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NOTICE: Mark Smith Threatens AISU Staff, Students, and Parents With Termination if They Don’t Play This Song For Him Everytime He’s Nearby.

He prefers the disco version, but the house & radio versions are also acceptable.

Make sure to play this for him every time he’s in earshot, unless you want to get terminated—which we wouldn’t blame you for, except Mr. Huish and Dr. Sarah are worth staying for, and we’re not sure exactly how literal the word “termination” is in this case. It’s probably best if you bookmark the page.

The Real Reason Gordon Hayward Left The Utah Jazz

Salt Lake City, Utah—Earlier this week, many Utahns (and residents of surrounding states without a professional basketball team) had a somber undertone to their 4th of July festivities when Utah Jazz basketball star and League of Legends player Gordon Hayward announced that he was leaving Utah to join the Boston Celtics.

The news came as a shock to many fans. In Utah, many speculated, Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices). In Boston, on the other hand, he would have an arena overstuffed with championship banners, a higher probability of running into Tom Brady, and a borderline racist team logo.

And yet, he still chose Boston. This in spite of the fact that Jazz fans have created hashtags featuring wordplays on Hayward’s name, paid for billboards with Hayward’s picture on them, and posted YouTube videos of themselves begging him to stay, which isn’t creepy or pathetic at all.

In Utah … Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices).

Some have speculated that Hayward is leaving for Boston because his old college coach, Brad Stevens, now coaches the Celtics, giving Boston a sentimental advantage. However, it remains a fact that Hayward is an acknowledged professional athlete, who does not have actual feelings and who cares only about money, social media, and winning, in that order. So there must be some other explanation.

As analysts and fans continue to puzzle over Hayward’s baffling decision, the Daily Gravy has recently received exclusive insider info that Hayward’s departure had nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with the AISU school board.

In case you didn’t know, the board of directors of the American International School of Utah (AISU) have recently been accused of abusing their power (possibly unintentionally), not following their own standards and bylaws (probably intentionally), and refusing to brush their teeth (definitely intentionally). Some examples of their abuses of power include removing Michael Farley as manager of its parent organization, AIS, and attempting to use expired Burger King coupons as admission to Beyoncé concerts. A couple of outspoken sports analysts have surmised that the controversy surrounding the school board (or possibly Ms. Erica’s departure) was likely a major factor in Hayward’s decision to leave.

However, an inside source has informed the Daily Gravy of the real reason: The AISU school board fired him.

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Hayward’s departure had nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with the AISU school board.

The informant, who asked to be called “anything except my real name, I don’t care, just don’t tell them it’s me, Gordon Hayward,” explained that he could not reveal the grounds for the firing for fear of losing severance pay, but possible reasons include the fact that Hayward was an important, foundational, well-loved member of the community. As AISU student and parents know, the school board has recently become notorious for firing such people (without authorization to do so). In fact, some students and parents had said that they expected this to happen after seeing it happen with Mike Farley, saying the firing of Gordon Hayward was a predictable next step. Other AISU students asked, “Who’s Gordon Hayward? Is he in the Chamber Choir? What part does he sing?”

Experts are now trying to predict what the school board will do next, with many agreeing that they will likely fire Justin Trudeau, Taylor Swift, and/or Pope Francis. In response, students and parents have written a petition demanding a reorganization of the board, in order to protect Pope Francis and other influential world leaders from meeting the same unwarranted and unlawful demise as Hayward and Farley.

The school board has refused to comment on this issue, or any issue, for that matter. Gordon Hayward did say that he’ll be in touch with AISU’s choir directors, previous and current, for information about the city of Boston, as both directors have ties there. He also still plans to audition for the AISU choral program, just as he does every year, and hopes that he’ll be accepted at least once before the school shuts down. He also said (anonymously) that AISU’s lawyers have banned him from any contact with the school, which is why he isn’t following you on instagram. He apologizes for that and hopes the ban is lifted so he can. AISU staff members are also banned from contacting him, even through social media, with the threat of termination. For now, though, AISU students, parents, and staff members (although don’t tell anyone they say this, because they could get fired) encourage you to boo the AISU board of directors at the Jazz v. Boston game this season (and sign the petition and attend the town hall meeting, if you’re serious about it).

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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Exclusive: I Totally Love Everything You Love

By Guest Writer Hillary Clinton

 

Good morning, AISU students and staff! Good to talk to you, my fam! Like I always say, you’re tied for the best with everyone else. I heard that some Jerry Gonson or something wrote an exclusive article for your newspaper, so I thought it’d make a good impression if a real presidential candidate wrote an exclusive article for this paper, too!

 

I’d just like to start by saying you guys are my favorite current students and staff members of the American International School of Utah, especially those of you who are eligible to vote in this country! I think everything about you is super great! Some of you may have heard about the outrageous, unconfirmed reports of hacked emails between myself and my campaign manager in which I was misquoted as saying something like “AISU students are super great, unless they support Donald Trump, then they’re blabbering idiots whose mouths should be cleaned out with a toilet brush.” Now, first I want to say that if this email can be proven to be mine—and I’m not saying it can—then it is being taken entirely out of context. Also, if by chance it can be proven that it is not taken out of context I admit that it was wrong to say those things in that particular way. Not that such a statement is completely incorrect, but it isn’t very nice, and I admit I was unintentionally, harmlessly wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, after all, especially Trump supporters.

 

Now, back to establishing our common interests: I love your school’s performing arts program. I think the achievements you’ve accomplished have been well earned. I also love, as I understand you do, your beautiful warm-ups and vocal exercises. My personal favorite would have to be the one that goes, “Why shouldn’t my goose grow as fast as thy goose, when I payed for my goose twice as much as thine?” I especially like this because it touches on the subject of economic inequalities, a topic I have been specifically focused on since it got Bernie Sanders so many supporters.

 

As far as curricula go, your school has had many over the past three years of the school’s existence. I don’t think any one curriculum is necessarily better than another; they just speak to people at different levels. I think 3.0 was good, if you think it was good, but if you think it sucked, then I also firmly believe it sucked. I think that there are good things and bad things about your many curricula, and my opinion on which is better or what the school should do next differs depending on who I’m talking to. Let’s just say the answer is “I agree with your opinion and, as a matter of fact, I was thinking that same thing too.”

 

Robotics are super cool, unless you think they’re nerdy, then that’s clearly what they are. I think sports are overrated, except in cases when they are good. The cafeteria food is gross and unhealthy, unless you decide it’s better than nothing, in which case you’re right. Mike Stumph is a cool cat, but if you think he isn’t, then neither do I. AISU is a very good school, except for the parts you as an individual don’t like about it. Those parts are the worst.

 

So as you can see, you and I have many things in common. Pretty much everything, for that matter. We clearly agree on all the issues, even the things that aren’t really issues, but just little things in your personal life. So what other reason could there possibly be to run to the ballots and vote for me? Oh, that’s right, I’m not Donald Trump.

AISU to Host Cleveland Browns in Homecoming Football Game

AISU—The American International School of Utah (AISU) will be holding its first annual homecoming dance today, as part of the school’s ongoing effort to “be sort of like all the other high schools, but not in the good ways.” Despite this effort, plans for the school’s homecoming festivities did not originally include one of America’s most popular high school traditions:  a homecoming football game. Hours before the dance, however, AISU announced that they will be hosting a game after all, against the NFL’s Cleveland Browns.

 

The announcement came as a surprise to many AISU students, mainly because AISU does not have a football team or a football field. School officials explained that  the team will consist of the same 10–15 students who make up the school’s men’s basketball, baseball, and volleyball teams every year, as well as staff and administration members who are interested in “boosting school spirit.”

 

The Browns have yet to announce a starting quarterback for today’s game, but analysts expect either Francis the Talking Mule or Elmo’s goldfish, Dorothy, to get the nod. AISU’s starting QB will be a game-time decision, likely depending on  who shows up. Although AISU is hoping for high levels of participation from students in the game, they have listed Uncle Rico as a backup QB, just in case students find playing against the Browns to be incredibly boring.

 

With the announcement, AISU officials hope to defuse widespread criticism of its homecoming plans, which was being mocked by students and mockingbirds alike because of the glaring omission of a football game. Snapchatters and Instagrammars have been quoted as saying, “Hi, I’m AISU, and I’m trying to have homecoming without a football game because I enjoy demolishing American traditions, huuhhhh!” before the announcement today.

 

However, even after the game was announced, critics and students have maintained their “rude ‘tude,” noting that while the Cleveland Browns technically do play football, they don’t play it particularly well. “I mean, I get that you’re supposed to schedule an easy win for the homecoming game,” one student observed. “But really? The Browns? While we’re at it, why don’t we replace all of our advanced literature classes with dramatic readings of The Cat in the Hat? … Hmmm. Now that I say that out loud, I kind of like the idea.”

 

The Browns have yet to comment on these remarks, but experts have said that “they’re used to it.” AISU has only responded in the form of stock photos of doctors shrugging, although the Language Arts department is reportedly looking into the Cat in the Hat suggestion. The AISU Homecoming game will begin at 4:00 p.m. MDT. The location is still to be determined, though Mr. Justis has offered the use of his backyard, as long as he has time to remove the lawn gnomes first. For live updates and a play-by-play of the game, follow @aisugravy on Twitter or scroll to the bottom of this page and look to the right side.

Unblocked Websites Discovered, Study Commissioned to Find Out Why

An intense investigation by Elijah Anderson

 

As nearly every AISU student has discovered, there are some pretty good game and entertainment websites that are not blocked on the school Wi-Fi, which is surprising because almost everything else is blocked, including school work. The PSA (Pointless Studies of America) recently conducted as study to get to the bottom of this.

 

The study included interviews with a random sample of two  teachers, both of whom claim that they actually have lives outside of school and like to do things. Two unnamed teachers admitted that they enjoy, for example, playing video games online and spending time on meme sites (the identity of these sites has not been released, in order to protect them from being  blocked). The PSA study concludes that if two teachers admit to using and enjoying such sites, all teachers do, because all teachers are the same.

 

Since the study was released, speculation has run rampant (and eventually hardened into accepted fact) that these game and entertainment sites are not blocked because the principal and the superintendent use them as well. So far, Mark Smith and Mike Farley will not confirm nor deny any allegations, which just confirms it, because if it weren’t true, why wouldn’t you just deny it?

 

From there, it wasn’t a huge leap to start drawing conclusions about the real reasons behind the AISU 3.0 changes. Obviously, school officials had spent so much time gaming online that the night before the changes were to be announced, they realized they hadn’t planned anything yet. So they hurriedly threw together some ideas they found inside the fortune cookies that came with the Chinese takeout they had ordered to fuel their all-night gaming binge. Then they Googled “Curriculum Companies,” called the first one they saw, and asked if we could use their curriculum. When confronted with these allegations, school officials would not confirm nor deny these allegations, which proves that they are true, because seriously people, that’s not a hard thing to deny.

 

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

AISU Bathrooms Overrun by Venomous Snakes That May or May Not Be Real

By Anonymous Guest Writer #741

 

AISU—Animal Control was called late Monday evening to stem a so-called “frightening snake infection” at AISU. However, after a thorough search, the Animal Control officers concluded that no reptiles (including students) were present anywhere in the school, thanking the caller for this “enormous waste of time.”

Despite these findings, many students continue to insist that the school is literally crawling with reptiles, especially in the bathroom, a known favorite hangout of snakes. One student described the intruders as “about three to four feet long, with bright-colored stripes, usually red and yellow, and long fangs.” Another student, interviewed when leaving the boys’ restroom, said “I’ve never seen any snakes. But that would explain why there’s always so much screaming in there. The screams… They tear apart my very soul… The screams… Make them stop.”

“There are definitely snakes in there,” a student reported after leaving the girls’ restroom. When informed of this assertion, a representative from Animal Control said, “No there aren’t,” to which the student replied, “Yes, there are.” Animal Control then released this official statement: “Nu-uh.” The student responded with an official statement of her own: “Yeah-huh.”

While there is no photographic or video evidence of any snakes, there are also no surveillance cameras in the bathrooms, so other than the productive debate between Animal Control and AISU students, the investigation has reached a standstill.

Aspiring herpetologists and amateur snake enthusiasts in the high school have begun search parties to find and rescue these elusive reptiles and release them into the untamed wilderness of Murray City. While these groups have been criticized by peers and janitorial staff with such harsh insults as “They’re just wasting their time; there are no snakes”—an impressive retort in that it uses correctly in one sentence each spelling of “they’re/their/there”—most students agree that their noble efforts to rid the school of these pests are no joking matter.

A spokesperson from one of the search parties, known as Snake Search, gave the Gravy the following letter written in red ink that may actually be blood:

“An update on the snake situation:

“There are definitely snakes. There is no doubt about it. You may not be able to see them or hear them, but they are there. Some of you may be wondering, why the bathrooms? Why not my STEM classroom? But that is unimportant.

“The snakes are probably breeding in any and all restrooms marked ‘out of order.’ If you are attacked by a snake, stay still and silent and observe its behaviors. Report the snake sighting to a member of the Snake Search immediately. If you are bitten, you may as well stop making any long-term goals for your future or showering, for all is lost.”

When the letter was brought to the school’s principal for comment, he shook his head, and after a long pause, said, “This isn’t seriously still going on, is it? I mean, April Fools’ Day was ages ago.” Mr. Smith then laughed nervously and returned to his office.

 

This article was written by a guest writer who sent his/her complete article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, which was then slightly revised, edited, and posted by Gravy professionals. This guest writer is no different from you or me except that this guest writer wrote an article for the Daily Gravy and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM. Other than that, there really aren’t that many differences between the two of you. This guest writer isn’t any more special than you or anything, except that he/she wrote an article and sent it to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM, and you haven’t yet. That’s really the only important difference. So what are you waiting for? If you would like your work to be posted on the Daily Gravy and laughed at (in a mostly good way) by many of your peers, email your article to AISUGRAVY@GMAIL.COM and have a nice day.

Nationwide Jingle – School Pride

AISU’s cool, I guess.

 

Bonus Jingle:

Isn’t pride a “deadly sin”?

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