Search

The Daily Gravy

Still crying—AISU's Only Reliable News Source

Tag

Science

Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

20170701_205202109_iOS

 

Advertisements

AISU Atheists Demand Their Own Seminary

Murray, UT—Almost every morning, dozens of LDS students at AISU make their way to a local church to have a seminary class before school. Somewhat surprisingly, these sleepy-eyed students and their early-morning scripture study have aroused the envy and anger of—of all people—AISU’s atheists, who are demanding their own seminary class to express their lack of belief.

“The idea that students can come together and discuss their faith is absurd,” said one outspoken student. “Everyone knows that’s not what school is about. The only way this should be allowed is if atheists such as myself are allowed to have our own seminary.”

LDS seminary teachers and students alike are scratching their heads at the idea, though they say they are not necessarily opposed to it. “I wonder if our non-believing AISU students know that they are perfectly welcome to attend our seminary,” one seminary teacher pointed out. “If the point is to discuss what they don’t believe, well, we spend the whole class talking about things they don’t believe.”

However, the requested anti-theological seminary would be different from LDS seminary in one important way: “Ours wouldn’t be held early in the morning,” the atheist student explained. “We would request release time during school hours.” Experts generally agree that asking teenagers to wake up early for the sake of their beliefs is one thing; asking them to do that for the sake of unbelief is probably unrealistic.

The great majority of students and liberals have been very pro-atheism seminary since the program was first proposed. In fact, the idea has become so popular that a few others have suggested their own classes based on a lack of belief or knowledge. The entirety of SM2 are creating a class to discuss their nonexistent understanding of quadratics. A similar English class is designing a course based on not studying Shakespeare.

AISU administrators have not commented on the viability of these classes, but they have said that in order to avoid potential lawsuits, they will consider an atheist seminary and that such a class would will “definitely” be scheduled for release time. In preparation for this, masterminds behind the program have already begun planning a class discussion schedule and a sample agenda for a typical class. According to a source close to the program, each atheist seminary class will include:

  • An opening devotional in which the class chooses not to pray or sing a religious song, followed by a student’s testimony of their lack of belief, and a quick opening monologue on existentialism.
  • A lesson on the science of life and nihilism philosophy.
  • A final monologue on evolution.

Critics have pointed out that this curriculum is much too similar to science class, except that it vocally expresses the subtext of the lessons. “Let me get this straight,” one LDS seminary student put it. “This will be a class in which we discuss life from a purely secular perspective and deny the existence of God at every opportunity? How is that different from every class I go to every day besides seminary?”

Statues in Atrium, Science Teacher Found to be Living

AISU – An unsuspecting student was walking through the atrium on Tuesday when he reported feeling a warm gust of wind coming from the direction of a statue. He says he ignored it at first because he was so intently focused on getting to class on time and concentrating on his studies so he can have a successful future, but as he was walking by the statue again about 15 minutes later, he felt the wind much stronger. Completely freaked out, the student immediately ran to tell Mike, who promptly told this student to be quiet and get back to class.

 

However, Mike was himself a little spooked, so he checked the statue’s vital signs and found that it had a steady pulse and was, in fact, alive. Upon further investigation it was found that the other statue in the atrium, the mannequin in the PAC, and Mr. Donahue are all alive and breathing.

 

School officials have announced that they will take proper care of all living statues and teachers in the school and will conduct a full investigation to determine whether any other presumed inanimate objects or teachers are actually alive. The school denies any wrongdoing on their part, claiming it was an easy mistake to assume that these statues and teachers were not living beings, and that they hold no responsibility for the misunderstanding whatsoever.

 

Mr. Donahue disagrees with the school’s statement, and will be filing a lawsuit. In addition, the mannequin and statues have issued a joint statement promising revenge by creeping everybody out. The mannequin in particular has a reputation for creepiness, and experts advise all AISU students to stay out of the PAC on Fridays or after dark. It’s pretty scary.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑