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The Real Reason Gordon Hayward Left The Utah Jazz

Salt Lake City, Utah—Earlier this week, many Utahns (and residents of surrounding states without a professional basketball team) had a somber undertone to their 4th of July festivities when Utah Jazz basketball star and League of Legends player Gordon Hayward announced that he was leaving Utah to join the Boston Celtics.

The news came as a shock to many fans. In Utah, many speculated, Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices). In Boston, on the other hand, he would have an arena overstuffed with championship banners, a higher probability of running into Tom Brady, and a borderline racist team logo.

And yet, he still chose Boston. This in spite of the fact that Jazz fans have created hashtags featuring wordplays on Hayward’s name, paid for billboards with Hayward’s picture on them, and posted YouTube videos of themselves begging him to stay, which isn’t creepy or pathetic at all.

In Utah … Hayward could have a higher salary, a higher probability of running into Donny Osmond, and a lower probability of getting his shots blocked by Rudy Gobert (except in practices).

Some have speculated that Hayward is leaving for Boston because his old college coach, Brad Stevens, now coaches the Celtics, giving Boston a sentimental advantage. However, it remains a fact that Hayward is an acknowledged professional athlete, who does not have actual feelings and who cares only about money, social media, and winning, in that order. So there must be some other explanation.

As analysts and fans continue to puzzle over Hayward’s baffling decision, the Daily Gravy has recently received exclusive insider info that Hayward’s departure had nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with the AISU school board.

In case you didn’t know, the board of directors of the American International School of Utah (AISU) have recently been accused of abusing their power (possibly unintentionally), not following their own standards and bylaws (probably intentionally), and refusing to brush their teeth (definitely intentionally). Some examples of their abuses of power include removing Michael Farley as manager of its parent organization, AIS, and attempting to use expired Burger King coupons as admission to Beyoncé concerts. A couple of outspoken sports analysts have surmised that the controversy surrounding the school board (or possibly Ms. Erica’s departure) was likely a major factor in Hayward’s decision to leave.

However, an inside source has informed the Daily Gravy of the real reason: The AISU school board fired him.

Screenshot 2017-07-06 at 9.33.58 AM
Hayward’s departure had nothing to do with sentimentality and everything to do with the AISU school board.

The informant, who asked to be called “anything except my real name, I don’t care, just don’t tell them it’s me, Gordon Hayward,” explained that he could not reveal the grounds for the firing for fear of losing severance pay, but possible reasons include the fact that Hayward was an important, foundational, well-loved member of the community. As AISU student and parents know, the school board has recently become notorious for firing such people (without authorization to do so). In fact, some students and parents had said that they expected this to happen after seeing it happen with Mike Farley, saying the firing of Gordon Hayward was a predictable next step. Other AISU students asked, “Who’s Gordon Hayward? Is he in the Chamber Choir? What part does he sing?”

Experts are now trying to predict what the school board will do next, with many agreeing that they will likely fire Justin Trudeau, Taylor Swift, and/or Pope Francis. In response, students and parents have written a petition demanding a reorganization of the board, in order to protect Pope Francis and other influential world leaders from meeting the same unwarranted and unlawful demise as Hayward and Farley.

The school board has refused to comment on this issue, or any issue, for that matter. Gordon Hayward did say that he’ll be in touch with AISU’s choir directors, previous and current, for information about the city of Boston, as both directors have ties there. He also still plans to audition for the AISU choral program, just as he does every year, and hopes that he’ll be accepted at least once before the school shuts down. He also said (anonymously) that AISU’s lawyers have banned him from any contact with the school, which is why he isn’t following you on instagram. He apologizes for that and hopes the ban is lifted so he can. AISU staff members are also banned from contacting him, even through social media, with the threat of termination. For now, though, AISU students, parents, and staff members (although don’t tell anyone they say this, because they could get fired) encourage you to boo the AISU board of directors at the Jazz v. Boston game this season (and sign the petition and attend the town hall meeting, if you’re serious about it).

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Student Petition to the School Board AND TOWN HALL MEETING THURSDAY AT 7PM MURRAY LIBRARY EVERYONE WELCOME

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

Follow this link to the student petition: Students’ Petition (Conceived and Written by Students)

Note: Mike Farley and all other adults mentioned have no knowledge of the writing of this petition.

 

Also, if you are a parent, sign this petition: Parent Petition (written and conceived by parents)

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

SEE PICTURE FOR MORE DETAILS.

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Exclusive: I Totally Love Everything You Love

By Guest Writer Hillary Clinton

 

Good morning, AISU students and staff! Good to talk to you, my fam! Like I always say, you’re tied for the best with everyone else. I heard that some Jerry Gonson or something wrote an exclusive article for your newspaper, so I thought it’d make a good impression if a real presidential candidate wrote an exclusive article for this paper, too!

 

I’d just like to start by saying you guys are my favorite current students and staff members of the American International School of Utah, especially those of you who are eligible to vote in this country! I think everything about you is super great! Some of you may have heard about the outrageous, unconfirmed reports of hacked emails between myself and my campaign manager in which I was misquoted as saying something like “AISU students are super great, unless they support Donald Trump, then they’re blabbering idiots whose mouths should be cleaned out with a toilet brush.” Now, first I want to say that if this email can be proven to be mine—and I’m not saying it can—then it is being taken entirely out of context. Also, if by chance it can be proven that it is not taken out of context I admit that it was wrong to say those things in that particular way. Not that such a statement is completely incorrect, but it isn’t very nice, and I admit I was unintentionally, harmlessly wrong. Everyone makes mistakes, after all, especially Trump supporters.

 

Now, back to establishing our common interests: I love your school’s performing arts program. I think the achievements you’ve accomplished have been well earned. I also love, as I understand you do, your beautiful warm-ups and vocal exercises. My personal favorite would have to be the one that goes, “Why shouldn’t my goose grow as fast as thy goose, when I payed for my goose twice as much as thine?” I especially like this because it touches on the subject of economic inequalities, a topic I have been specifically focused on since it got Bernie Sanders so many supporters.

 

As far as curricula go, your school has had many over the past three years of the school’s existence. I don’t think any one curriculum is necessarily better than another; they just speak to people at different levels. I think 3.0 was good, if you think it was good, but if you think it sucked, then I also firmly believe it sucked. I think that there are good things and bad things about your many curricula, and my opinion on which is better or what the school should do next differs depending on who I’m talking to. Let’s just say the answer is “I agree with your opinion and, as a matter of fact, I was thinking that same thing too.”

 

Robotics are super cool, unless you think they’re nerdy, then that’s clearly what they are. I think sports are overrated, except in cases when they are good. The cafeteria food is gross and unhealthy, unless you decide it’s better than nothing, in which case you’re right. Mike Stumph is a cool cat, but if you think he isn’t, then neither do I. AISU is a very good school, except for the parts you as an individual don’t like about it. Those parts are the worst.

 

So as you can see, you and I have many things in common. Pretty much everything, for that matter. We clearly agree on all the issues, even the things that aren’t really issues, but just little things in your personal life. So what other reason could there possibly be to run to the ballots and vote for me? Oh, that’s right, I’m not Donald Trump.

AISU to Host Cleveland Browns in Homecoming Football Game

AISU—The American International School of Utah (AISU) will be holding its first annual homecoming dance today, as part of the school’s ongoing effort to “be sort of like all the other high schools, but not in the good ways.” Despite this effort, plans for the school’s homecoming festivities did not originally include one of America’s most popular high school traditions:  a homecoming football game. Hours before the dance, however, AISU announced that they will be hosting a game after all, against the NFL’s Cleveland Browns.

 

The announcement came as a surprise to many AISU students, mainly because AISU does not have a football team or a football field. School officials explained that  the team will consist of the same 10–15 students who make up the school’s men’s basketball, baseball, and volleyball teams every year, as well as staff and administration members who are interested in “boosting school spirit.”

 

The Browns have yet to announce a starting quarterback for today’s game, but analysts expect either Francis the Talking Mule or Elmo’s goldfish, Dorothy, to get the nod. AISU’s starting QB will be a game-time decision, likely depending on  who shows up. Although AISU is hoping for high levels of participation from students in the game, they have listed Uncle Rico as a backup QB, just in case students find playing against the Browns to be incredibly boring.

 

With the announcement, AISU officials hope to defuse widespread criticism of its homecoming plans, which was being mocked by students and mockingbirds alike because of the glaring omission of a football game. Snapchatters and Instagrammars have been quoted as saying, “Hi, I’m AISU, and I’m trying to have homecoming without a football game because I enjoy demolishing American traditions, huuhhhh!” before the announcement today.

 

However, even after the game was announced, critics and students have maintained their “rude ‘tude,” noting that while the Cleveland Browns technically do play football, they don’t play it particularly well. “I mean, I get that you’re supposed to schedule an easy win for the homecoming game,” one student observed. “But really? The Browns? While we’re at it, why don’t we replace all of our advanced literature classes with dramatic readings of The Cat in the Hat? … Hmmm. Now that I say that out loud, I kind of like the idea.”

 

The Browns have yet to comment on these remarks, but experts have said that “they’re used to it.” AISU has only responded in the form of stock photos of doctors shrugging, although the Language Arts department is reportedly looking into the Cat in the Hat suggestion. The AISU Homecoming game will begin at 4:00 p.m. MDT. The location is still to be determined, though Mr. Justis has offered the use of his backyard, as long as he has time to remove the lawn gnomes first. For live updates and a play-by-play of the game, follow @aisugravy on Twitter or scroll to the bottom of this page and look to the right side.

AISU Fight Song: Brand New School

Sung to the tune of “Grand Old Flag”

 

We’re a brand new school,

We are AISU.

We sing songs and we play instruments.

We don’t really know

How our sports teams do,

But in Arts we Perform winningness.

Ev’ry heart beats true

‘Neath the Red, White, and Blue.

We do everything better than you.

Though graduating be o’erlooked

Stand and shout for AISU!

 

We’re the best darn school,

We are AISU.

We sing songs and we play instruments.

Kate Youman says,

“We have STEM here too.”

But on that point we fake ignorance.

Ev’ry heart beats true

‘Neath the Red, White, and Blue,

Where there’s ne’er any work that you do.

Though A and B days get mixed up,

Stand and shout for AISU!

 

Include misc. cheers and chants (e.g. Ra-Ra-Sish-Boom-Ba and/or Gooooo Dragons!) with drum rolls at appropriate times.

AISU Sports Teams Claim to Actually Participate in Games

Murray, UT—Despite their insistence that they regularly compete in exciting, closely contested games, the AISU soccer and baseball teams are now trying to downplay rumors that these games are entirely fabricated.

 

One anonymous soccer player is quoted as saying, “How many times do I have to say it? … We really do play soccer games against other teams, and several of them are ridiculously exciting. All the doubters out there should come see for themselves.’”

 

One of the soccer team’s “fans” (which is believed to only be a sock puppet controlled by a member of the soccer team) added, (in an exaggerated high-pitched voice), “I have been to every soccer game this year, and I can attest that they actually happened. Soccer was played on multiple occasions, and in many cases the games were, in fact, fun to watch.”

 

At their latest press conference, the baseball team is on record as saying, “We run a very clean and professional team that has been singled out due to our unrealistically exciting games … it’s just not fair. We’re sick and tired of these allegations and we’re going to do everything we can to fight them. They’re absolutely untrue.”

 

A lack of eye-witnesses is one reason the public is so skeptical that these games have taken place. So far, no one outside the athletic department, other than the sock puppet, has been willing to come forward to corroborate the teams’ claims.

 

The rumors vary by source, with some kids saying that instead of competing against other teams in actual games, the athletes invent dramatic stories about their accomplishments and spread them around the school in order to impress Mindy Young and the “cool” performing arts kids. Other sources have stated athletes watch old game film from the 1960s and overdramatic sports movies like The Natural, Angels in the Outfield, and Baseball: A Documentary and then act them out as if they were on the moon.

 

The coaches and athletic directors have not responded to our casual attempts to contact them, and they have not reached out to us, which is practically a confession. One question remains: what do our baseball and soccer teams do when they are supposed to be playing baseball or soccer games? Another question that also remains is which is better: right twix or left twix? Both seem unanswerable for now.

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